I am going to miss this show very much. I thought this episode was one of the best of the entire run. It was funny (I laughed out loud more than once), emotional (I am fairly sure George Tucker’s goodbye to BlueBell was really Scott Porter’s goodbye to the cast), and there was an engagement. Plus, hats and tattoos and a left-turn for the George and AB relationship that I hope sticks. Well played, you guys.
Let’s begin our goodbyes.
The episode kicks off with AB having a dream that she was visited by Cyrus Lavinius Jeremiah Jones, founder of BlueBell (and in the shape of Lavon), with A MESSAGE FROM THE BEYOND:
(When he pops out of her closet, AB goes, “GOD?” And I laughed.) He informs her that life as she knows it is about to end. FOREVER. “There will be five omens,” he proclaims. And they are:
- A Flood Will Smite a Foe
- A Former Couple Will Say, “N.O.”
- A Chicken Will Be Sent to Bed
- A City Street Will Run Blood Red
- Darkness Will Replace the Light.
LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT ENDS TONIGHT!
AB tells Crickett all about this on her way to brunch, and while she thinks it’s funny, Crickett is freaked out and sort of worried that maybe they WILL all die tonight.
There is a moment in this scene where you can see AB’s bra come inching up over the back of her dress (it has a keyhole opening in the back). You know the costume department watched that and was like, “ARGH.” Chalk it up to realism, guys. (She’s also wearing really cute turquoise shoes here, FYI)
The brunch to which AB was heading is over at Lemon and Lavon’s, where everyone is celebrating dating each other’s exes and mostly getting along:
Lemon, in particular, is in fine Manic Lemon form, as she starts waxing poetic about all the many MANY many many MANY MANY social events they’re all going to enjoy together.
Then…sort of a weird thing happened in terms of continuity. It’s not a dealbreaker for this episode, obviously, but it was a bit odd. So, Wade and Zoe are at brunch with The Exes, then Brando and Joelle’s Grandma pop over to see the nursery and ask W and Z if they’re going to get married:
(The show is basically only giving Rachel Zoe scenes in which she is seated, which is very nice of them.) It is herein that we learn that Wade assumes they’ll get married eventually, while Zoe doesn’t believe in marriage at all. (Cue emotional record scratch for Wade.) (Also, how are Joelle and I doing in our relationship here in Los Angeles? I need an update. I like to believe he’s being very sensitive to me while I am a lunatic about the fact that I have a book coming out in less than two weeks oh my god.)
THEN Zoe and Wade go BACK to Lavon’s, where brunch is still on the table:
So…they had brunch, met Brando and Granny Joelle after brunch, and then kicked them out and went back to Lavon’s? I can roll with that but it seemed weird that all the brunch stuff was still on the table. It felt like brunch had just ended, a brunch at which Zoe and Wade were ALSO present. Ergo, clearly Zoe owns a time-turner, enabling her to eat a brunch at the same time as she visits with her cousin and his wife. Lavon can’t believe Wade didn’t know Zoe had these anti-marriage feelings. “It’s one of her go-t0 rants,” he says. “Although she has so many. ‘There’s a West Virginia, there should be an East Virginia.'” Wade is like, “are you even a doctor?” and Zoe wonders since when he even cares about this stuff, given that he once married Tansy while he was hammered. “Since I met you,” Wade says, and then he leaves in a sad little snit. Lemon and Lavon both “aww” at this, as, frankly, do I. “If you don’t marry him, I will,” Lavon offers.
Elsewhere, George is seeing Meatball off, noting that he’s going to join him in New Orleans later for a showcase. Meatball is particularly delightful in this scene, saying things like, “those people are about to get Meatballed! Hard! In the face!”
“He has really got to stop saying that,” George notes. I disagree. Never stop using “Meatball” as a verb, Meatball.
You’ll be happy to know that everything is going well with J-Cnnnnnn (in her cute polka-dotted top) and Crickett:
Until JaiScene gets a text that a water main has broken in Fillmore and she has to go help out. A FLOOD HAS SMITED (smote?) A FOE. It begins.
While Crickett is racing about, worrying about the coming end of the world and telling EVERYONE that the End is Nigh (and it’s very clever that this show is doing an “end of the world” episode when its world is literally coming to an end), Lavon and Lemon and Lemon’s great dress are talking about how they can’t believe Wade and Zoe haven’t talked about marriage yet. And, to be clear:
“Nothing would make me happier than to marry you one day,” Lavon says. Aw, you two. I love you both. DON’T LEAVE ME.
Meanwhile, the Truitt brothers are up to their usual:
Brick thinks this is because they heard the rumor that the world is ending, but no. It was just a Sunday. THAT SAID, now that they DO know the world is ending, they are really attacking their bucket list, which includes “confronting that bear that’s always giving [them] dirty looks,” and learning to read.
Elsewhere, in a callback to the pilot, George is standing by the side of the road, his truck having broken down en route to New Orleans to get Meatballed, and Zoe comes along and offers him a ride. They have a slightly melancholy “that was a long time ago” discussion, and then she offers to take him where he needs to be — New Orleans, as you may recall, was also a season-one road trip that kicked off his leaving Lemon at the altar:
Back in BlueBell, thanks to Crickett telling the Pritchett Sisters about The Dream, and the Pritchett Sisters telling everyone else (“The Pritchett Sisters are like Henny Penny and Chicken Little,” Lavon tells Brick. “I think Henny Penny IS Chicken Little, it’s the same story,” Brick says, in an exchange I can’t believe they were able to keep and I love [not that they should have cut it, but it’s the sort of throwaway moment that often gets cut for time]), and then THE SECOND OMEN COMING TO PASS (A Former Couple in the personages of Zorge is saying “N.O,” for New Orleans), everyone is freeeeeeaaaaking out:
Tom is, first of all, sort of annoyed that AB was The Chosen One, but he still tells everyone in town that they better make amends and prepare for the end. At this, Chicken Truitt announces that, as they’re all going to die tonight, he’s going to breakdance on the top of the gazebo. “Chicken, I already told you! You need to go home and rest!” Brick yells…at which point Wanda notices that HE JUST SENT A CHICKEN TO BED. THE THIRD PROPHECY HAS BEEN FULFILLED. And with it, everyone truly gets bonkers: Little Zack announces that he’s changing his name to “Tank;” Frank announces he’s getting that tattoo he’s always wanted, but thought “might hurt too much and be bad judgement;” Carl Winslow is finally putting on his one-man version of The Three Tenors (“I call it, The One Tenor”); Tom wants to set the alpacas free, because “they deserve to know the taste of freedom”; and Wanda, horrifyingly, wants to bang Tom in the gazebo IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. Sheriff Bill tells Brick and Lavon that if they don’t get this under control, they’re “going to have another Alien Panic of 95 on [their] hands.” Brick agrees, “that was a dark day.” Lavon thinks everyone is out of their minds and he assures them they’re ALL going to live. And that he’s going to buy everyone anything they want over at the Rammer Jammer if they’ll just chill out and watch Carl Winslow’s “one man opera-thingy, whatever it is.” Crisis averted? (No.)
Right, so Lemon and AB have agreed to accompany Crickett on her End of The World Amends-Making Tour to the office of this former classmate, whom they kicked off the cheerleading squad and dubbed “Smelly Margery” in high school. Hence the need to make amends:
SM pretends she doesn’t know them, and then Crickett sings the song to remind her and Lemon and AB are just like….metaphorical headdesk.
Meanwhile, over in New Orleans, Zoe and George dance to a song that wails a lot about “California,” and while I am sure it is this band’s actual song, I cannot help but think it was also a little wink to the theme song of The O.C, and I appreciated that. Also: George lawyers the shit out of a guy who attempts to kick Meatball out of this showcase, and in doing so catches once again the attention of his cousin, Superstar Pamela, who offers George a job as her manager, in Nashville:
Cutting to the chase: George turns her down because his home is in BlueBell, but after a talk with AB, agrees to take the job and embrace his new career. So many thoughts. (A) The actress playing Pam is REALLY funny. (B) I LOVE that they’re having George move away to follow a new career path. (C) I REALLY love that it was AB who talked him into it. I was sort of worried the show was going to end with all three couples Happy At Home, and while I love a happy ending, George and AB had always felt, as you know, a bit pat to me. This alleviates that a lot. WAY TO GO YOU GUYS.
While this is happening, back in BlueBell there is a funny moment which I forgot to screengrab — the plot upshot is that Wade is learning that he’s going to have to compromise on marriage to keep Zoe happy; at the same time, she is learning the opposite, because they love each other — where Brando and Mrs Brando pop into the Rammer Jammer to tell Wade they’ve got some tips for making Zoe want to marry him. Brando says the words, “it was how Kim got Kanye to make her his permanent bae.” (Wade wisely notes he cannot take life advice from Kardashians.)
This next bit was ALSO honestly really funny. Crickett is STILL on the Smelly Margery Amends Tour and they show up at her house to apologize again.
Margery’s reaction: “You think I give a flying ferret’s patootie about how you’ve changed? You sang that song in front of the other cheerleaders. In front of Peter Kimball, the boy I liked. I had nightmares. I had to go to therapy! And not only did you ruin my life, but now you show up at my house, and you ruin Top Chef night, too?! WHAT KIND OF MONSTERS ARE YOU?!?!” and then she takes their peace-offerings and slams the door in their faces. They feel HORRIBLE about it. I love you, Smelly Margery. Tom Colicchio would never play you like that.
Back in BlueBell, it’s basically madness in the streets. BECAUSE THE FOURTH OMEN HAS LANDED. A truck blew a tire and spilled paint all over the place. A CITY STREET IS RUNNING BLOOD RED. (“It’s more dark pink, but still,” Brando says.) Frank has gotten a hideous and ill-advised tattoo. People are making out against trees. Brick and Wade decide to go off “mud-dogging” with the Truitts. Debts are being repaid. Cats lying down with dogs. Etc. And then the power blows and THE FINAL OMEN HAS ARRIVED: DARKNESS HAS REPLACED THE LIGHT.
Luckily, Lemon’s coat is bright enough to see from space. That’s not a complaint; I love that coat.
Whilst in NO, George has convinced Zoe that she should put a ring on Wade, and he sets this up for her:
And then The Shenanigans really kick up, and AB calls George and makes him come find her (she’s heard from Meatball that he turned down the job with Pamela and she needs to be his Get-a-Grip friend); Zoe has to go do some Doctoring because Brick hurt himself mud-dogging. And so they leave it like this, and I am the only person BlueBell-adjacent, I guess, who thinks, BLOW OUT THOSE CANDLES. YOU ARE GOING TO BURN DOWN LAVON’S ESTATE.
Spoiler: Lavon’s estate does not burn down. But he and Lemon happen upon this and she thinks it’s from him, to her, and she accepts his proposal:
Cress Williams is wonderful in this scene. His face goes from “what are you talking about?” to “oh my god that wasn’t for you” to “hey this is a great idea” to “I’m so excited we are engaged!!!” in about six seconds. It’s just great.
Everyone eventually meets back up in the town’s square, where Zoe is annoyed that Lavon accidentally stole her proposal — in his defense, he immediately offers to come clean — for about two seconds, after which she lets him and a glowing Lemon have it. And then the world does not end. But it turns out to be true that life as they all know it does:
Because George gets up there and tells everyone that he is moving away. “To me, BlueBell is more than just a town. It’s a family, and it’s my home, and it always will be. But as of tomorrow, I won’t be living here anymore,” he tells them. “I guess I just wanted to say that I’ll miss you. All of you.” Both this scene and the next felt VERY much like Scott Porter saying goodbye to his coworkers — his voice even cracked — and it was very touching.
The final scene of the episode is just him hugging and kissing everyone and packing up and driving off, and Jaime King is, although you cannot see it here, fully crying:
(I’m glad he’s taking the Truitts with him. They need someone to look after him. (One of them has somehow picked up an eye-patch. But who’s going to live in the houseboat now?) See you on the flip side, Tucker.
And see you next week for the finale.