Fug Madness 2016, Round One: Cher Bracket, Part 2

Miley and Gwyneth get to face off here in a showdown I would actually want to watch in real life. Somehow. Also in action: solid contender Kate Hudson, perennial presence Selena Gomez, and newbie Keke Palmer.

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Miley Cyrus vs. Gwyneth Paltrow  ·  Selena Gomez vs. Miranda Kerr  ·  Kate Hudson vs. Taylor Schilling  ·  Keke Palmer vs. Jennifer Morrison

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No. 3 MILEY CYRUS vs. No. 14 GWYNETH PALTROW

Before we begin: That Gwyneth jumpsuit that just happened is NOT ELIGIBLE. Repeat: not. It’s for NEXT year. So please resist the temptation to include it in your decision. Do not even say, “I know I am not supposed to consider it, but I did, because it’s bad.” RESIST. It will have its day next year. And she has plenty for you to ogle that IS eligible. Like this ode to frump:

Some people didn’t hate this, actually:

But I thought it looked cheap and sad, which are words one does not traditionally associate with a lady who sells an exclusive-to-her $500 seersucker jumpsuit, $125 “smoking slippers” that just look like Toms knockoffs, and the most hideous sandals $300 can buy. We can’t judge her for those HERE, but we can certainly scream about them. Much as I yelped about this dress with the navy welts all over it.

Gwynnie also appears to have rediscovered the worst of the ’90s, and I can’t tell if the above dress thinks it’s being CRAFTY, or actually intended to fasten wonkier than a racetrack. She’s got some issues, indeed. Want hideous culottes? DONE. Glittery babydoll Guccis that probably belong on Miley? Check.

The silver thing garroting her is one thing, but the canary-yellow ponytail looks like she clipped in something lemon-flavored. It’s very Miley, in fact. Which is a graceful transition to:

Just kidding. There is no transition in the world to soften that blow. Just be glad I didn’t use the time she came out dressed, essentially, as the Easter bunny. You can also check out anything else she wore to host the VMAs — if she was singing, that’s one thing, but if she is hosting or presenting something, it’s allowed. Especially with Miley, who blurs the lines between shockwear for stage use and everyday hang-out clothes. Take this, for example, which was custom:

Because who DOESN’T want to look like Jeannie the Genie crossed with Battlefield Earth crossed with that time King Triton cut off Ariel’s clothing allowance and she had to get creative?

Later, she lay down on the floor and let Taylor Swift’s cats go to town on her buns.

Yo. Or YOLO? I don’t even know. But if it’s common ground you seek here, there’s not much to be found. Take, for example, how they each use red.

Gwyneth goes for a giant shapeless sack…

… and Miley goes for something that looks like Roger Rabbit’s face when he glances at his wife Jessica.

Oh, but for the record:

Might she be, here, the ONLY instance of someone not looking hotter in sunglasses? Those don’t fit her face AT ALL. Am I right? Is the earth shaking, or is it just that I live in California? [HI FRED SAVAGE. WANT AN INTERNSHIP?]

Archive: Miley Cyrus, Gwyneth Paltrow

No. 7 SELENA GOMEZ vs. No. 10 MIRANDA KERR

Let’s cross-cut these two ladies, beginning with their offerings in red.

There’s Selena, in something both unattractive and enormous, which threatens to slide off her frame.

And there’s Miranda at the Oscars, in something that would pop off if even ONE stitched developed existential ennui.

Moving onto the Battle of the White Bras:

Selena’s THINKS it looks dignified, but in fact, she looks like she’s wearing an unfinished garment ,backward, with a desperation strapless Maidenform taking the place of the rest of the bodice. If you pull the tassels, tiny elves appear with Rice Krispies.

Miranda’s is not even pretending to be chic. It knows. The only bones it has about itself are in the corset.

Let’s see, where do they stand on mesh?

Selena’s is a macrame scarf…

… and Miranda’s is some leftover fencing.

This is where they lose each other a bit. Selena had A LOT this year. There was this Maleficent-adjacent zip cape, a very baggy Givenchy that was somewhat divisive, some cutouts that Miranda herself would definitely appreciate, and some kind of crazy-ass Baywatch bathing suit under bad jeans. Miranda is more than capable of competing with THOSE pants, though.

Not that the pants are even the notable part of this. WHO BELTS THEIR ABS?

But although Miranda is more than capable of garbing herself like a video vixen without actually displaying any of her impressive abdominal muscles, one thing she does NOT do is shapeless. For that, we have to dip into Selena’s inkwell twice.

First, via The Dreaded Monse:

And second, via Camilla and Marc:

If you’re wondering, when she lifts her arms, GIANT CUFFS fan out like the devil’s fronds.

So they may not match in quantity, true, but how about quality? Do the heft of Miranda’s offerings outweigh the number of Selena’s? Or did Ms. Gomez hold her own?

Archive: Selena Gomez, Miranda Kerr

No. 2 KATE HUDSON vs. no. 15 TAYLOR SCHILLING

These two ladies both wore Michael Kors to major awards shows. For Taylor, it was the Tonys.

And it’s not inspiring. Then again, neither was Kate’s Globes gown.

Sometimes I wonder if Michael Kors sold a piece of his soul in exchange for the ability to design purses people like, and these dresses are the result.

Kate is considered a hot favorite in Fug Madness this year by many prognosticators — I am pretty sure Charles Barkley has her winning it all in his bracket — and it’s due in large part to outfits like this:

It’s just… off. And her hair isn’t helping. The way Kate styles this shorter ‘do, you’d think it was radioactive. I am not sure she’s ever actually touched it for more than two seconds.

And here’s this:

It’s by Yanina Couture, one of my least favorite new lines — and one we accidentally once called Yanni Couture, which makes A LOT MORE SENSE somehow with this dress. That’s basically… a bodice underneath, with a filmy muumuu pinnned over it, yes?

And let s not forget the crimes of the Versace:

In case you forgot, the back of this has a triangle cutout on one buttock, and she’s REAL excited about that flavor of mischief. Sincerely. She also decorated her book tour with strange getups, and proved herself pretty bad at casualwear via some tied-up shirts.

And please, do yourself a favor and revisit this sheer Julien Macdonald gown that she wore to some Leonardo DiCaprio party or other. The Klum is strong in this one.

Even when she keeps it simple, she somehow misses.

That’s just so… BLAH. And it doesn’t fit. It’s baggy AND boring. WHY.

Taylor doesn’t come out to play quite as often as Kate Hudson does, but “baggy” is also a word that could be applied to her choice of pants.

What a pretty bodice. If only it were ANYWHERE ELSE.

Nope. Also, are those shorts navy, or just… a faded black? Regardless, they are not even speaking the same language as the rest of the outfit. Further, I don’t want to hear what either one of them IS trying to say.

Thakoon pajamas were a deeply regrettable gamble.

I applaud her moxie in mixing those patterns, but a) no, and b) was it windy that day? And also c) seriously, no.

She wore that to the Emmys, and I like this less and less every time I see it. That HEM. The drawstring neckline. The lemon purse that doesn’t QUIIIIITE make sense here. It’s all a jumbled mess. As was this jumpsuit, frankly. So yeah, Kate was a popular pick, but do your research and see if you think Taylor Schilling brought enough to beat the favorite. We do love an upset.

Archive: Kate Hudson, Taylor Schilling

No. 6 KEKE PALMER vs. No. 11 JENNIFER MORRISON

Welcome to the dance, Keke Palmer! You cannot be surprised to see yourself here. Case in point:

There is no way she thought anyone would take that dress seriously. Even SHE seems tense about it. She’s at least trying to sell this one:

It’s actually a little hilarious. The fingernails are really what take it over the top, for me. She uses those things to dissect newts for her cauldron, right?

Keke also has a checkered history with pants. There was this multicolored suit, some orange thing with a midriff involved, and some truly grievous tan leather (I think?) nightmares. Not to mention that she tried to bring these back:

That is advanced fuggery, Keke. That’s doctoral level. I applaud you for trying, but I’m not sure even Zendaya could have done it.

But that’s just upsetting. I feel it in my chest like a sucking wound.

Jennifer Morrison likewise had a weird year. This nightie may have been the worst of it:

It is so musty. You could write ten different books about what this person’s life story is, and all of them would have to involve an attic eventually.

A ghostly ghastly nightie indeed.

And that looks like it was made that color by age and poor storage, rather than by intent.

If I recall correctly, there was an admittedly endearing story about this piece…

… in which it was admitted that she bought it online not realizing what it WAS, and had to improvise the pants once it arrived and she was like, ‘BUT WHERE IS THE REST OF IT?’ That makes me want to give her a hug. But also… WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS? Did the online model ONLY show it from the other side?

No wonder she resorted to overalls. At least you know what you’re going to get when those come in the mail.

Archive: Keke Palmer, Jennifer Morrison