I just realized that this bracket involves a Kate v. Kate match-up, in the form of Mara v. Bosworth. It also brings you the OTHER Mara, our number one seed Rooney, who takes on Malin Akerman. Noted Kook-in-Training Amber Valletta takes on another model, in the form of Emily Ratajkowski, and Elizabeth Olsen reps her family to take on Jaimie King. WHO WILL PREVAIL? Click through and you decide.

Rooney Mara v. Malin Akerman · Amber Valletta v. Emily Ratajkowski · Kate Mara vs. Kate Bosworth · Jaime King v. Elizabeth Olsen


Ms Mara The First brings us MUCH to discuss. Her archives are deep and wide, like the sea. I mean, this is crazy, although she looks cute as a human. This is crazy. THIS is QUITE crazy. The main issue, for me, though, is that she is SO SAME-Y. Behold:

That looks like this…

Which looks like this…

Which looks like this…

Which, okay, fine. You have an aesthetic. It’s — as our friend Diana Tsui called it –“glam shipwreck.” And these glamorously shipwrecked frocks are all very expensive and took hours and hours of workmanship to make and are surely all fascinating in person and they all look EXACTLY THE SAME. At a certain point, why not just wear the exact same dress to every awards show? (Actually, I would love that. That would take balls, and it would make a statement. If you are a person who hates the red carpet focus on clothing, pull a Jennifer Aniston Walking Around Town and wear the exact same dress every time. People would make a huge deal out of it, but you would get your point across.)

ANYWAY, when she’s not wearing a pale blush lace confection, she wears black. So much:

This particular number is going to HAUNT MY NIGHTMARES FOREVER:

There are also some black-and-white numbers. Let’s examine merely a sampler platter of them.

Ahem: NEITHER of them look good here. I feel like Cate caught whatever Rooney’s got:

This is…a butt apron? I just don’t know, Rooney. You fill me with confusion. Although I will note that your eyebrows have been looking swell lately:

CLING TO THAT, as we pivot over to Malin. It is a bad sign when I am pulling photos for a person and I think, “hmm, she could have been a higher seed.” INDEED:

I feel like Rooney might actually be a little peeved that SHE didn’t get to wear that. And Malin liked it so much that she wore it, arguably, twice:

Was that really good enough for a re-do? It’s not a Breton stripe, Malin. Get a grip!

She DID look good at the Oscars. But there was also this, which was kind of a snooze:

And then also this happened:

I think that hair is what got her into this thing in the first place, although at least there’s some whimsy happening here. Is it enough to take down Rooney?

Enjoy Rooney’s vast and nutty archive here.

Dive in Malin’s past sartorial deeds here.

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Rooney Mara (74%, 4,404 Votes)
  • Malin Akerman (26%, 1,538 Votes)

Total Voters: 5,932

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Two models enter. ONE MODEL LEAVES. Let’s start with Amber, who….looked wacktacular for much of this year. Like, this, for example, is brutal. This is TEENY. And this….

I don’t know what you’re thinking, sometimes, Amber. This next look is perplexing, too, but I DO feel confident in saying that this year, she was ALL about outfits that looked as if part of them maybe got stuck in a wood-chipper:

Times two:

That’s a LOT of high-low hems in display, and interestingly, it’s ALWAYS her left leg sticking out. Do designers favor the left leg? Is that the Angelina Jolie leg? I’m going to need to set aside some time to think about what this means, and how I can spin it so that somehow this is cruel to left-handed people, of which I am one. While I am trying to figure out how to be offended by this, take a looksee at this Met Ball look:

And it’s not Fug Madness without some visible panties:

SIGH. Shall we turn our judge-y eyes in the direction of Emily? She was out A LOT this year, thanks to being in That Movie With Zac Efron That Made No Money, and also some other stuff. This was a total drag. This was fully depressing. This looks like it was hemmed by an angry goat. This was risky, in terms of nearly flashing us her waxer’s handiwork. This felt like an audition for Game of ThronesAnd then we had these:

That’s like half-bikini, half sundress, which I guess is a hybrid that SOMEONE was in the market for. This next one, however, is something that I NEED TO NEVER SEE AGAIN:

OH MY GOD ENOUGH. I almost would have rather she’d worn the velvet Playboy Bunny part and have done with it.

This would have been festive at Christmas? It was, however, August:

And this was a high degree of difficulty for any person:

All that said, I also want to know how it’s possible that a professional model takes such terrible red carpet photos. Isn’t that….your job? Talk to Amber about it, Emily, while we decide your face.

Amber’s entire archive lives here.

And Emily’s is right here, for your research needs.

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Amber Valletta (35%, 2,049 Votes)
  • Emily Ratajkowski (65%, 3,733 Votes)

Total Voters: 5,779

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Onto the Battle of the Kates! We’ll kick off with Mara — who, for what it’s worth, once provided me with the lowest energy interview I ever did. She wasn’t RUDE or anything — in fact, she was very, very polite — but she was…very, very low energy. (Heather interviewed her another time, and she was charming, so I don’t think this is a Forever Situation, as much as I think she was sick or something when I spoke to her; I just can’t see her without thinking about it. I think we both had End of Fashion Week Ennui) Speaking of low energy, I feel like Low Energy Rooney is sad she didn’t get this one first.

I am tempted to ONLY run this photo:

Just to see how it went. I think she’d still have a decent chance to win this game, even if this was the ONLY LOOK IN CONTENTION. It is…labial.

Shall we cleanse the visual palate a bit with one Michael B Jordan in a supporting role? I thought you might like that:

Sigh. He’s so dreamy. She looks rather twee in that dress, but at least no one is going to do a double-take to make sure she’s not TOTALLY STARKERS from the waist down. (That’s…kind of a low bar to clear, though.)

This dress is both really sad and maybe also actually a tunic shirt?

Speaking of “really sad.” HONEY. Do not let Rooney dress you. It ends in neutrals, and in tears:

This was, likewise, an Experiment in Drab, and also in clothes that don’t exactly fit properly. Although I do enjoy that it appears as if she MIGHT be standing in front of a sign that screams MARA:

(It’s actually The Martian, a title I had to look up because in my head that movie is called, Matt Damon Lives on Mars.)

This might ALSO live on Mars:

You know it’s a bad sign when your clutch needs to be used to make sure you’re not flashing anyone your crotch.

We do NOT get a lot of crotch from Kate Bosworth, so…thanks? Although here, as we pointed out, she appears to have Velcroed her own clutch to it. And if The Maras are sometimes dullsvlle, so is The Bos.

You cannot, in fairness, call this dull:

It might, in fact, be OVERLY kooky, which is possibly not something I have ever said before.

This next one is overly…everything:

It’s about seven looks too many, all mashed up into one very confused dress. As, in fact, is this — it seems The Bos has no middle ground:

Is it weird that they thing that bugs me the most about this is the one wee armband? It feels so superfluous.

An argument could be made that literally everything about this is superfluous:

At least it’s… an effort? For my money, the only person who could have pulled that off (and did, on a magazine cover, shortly afterward) is Cate Blanchett. And you, Kate, are no Cate.

With that said:

Kate The Mara’s archive can be found here.

Kate the Bos’s archive lives here.

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Kate Mara (50%, 2,933 Votes)
  • Kate Bosworth (50%, 2,898 Votes)

Total Voters: 5,828

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The erstwhile Lemon Breeland, whose absence from my TV makes me sad, has fallen in love with Monse, as you shall see shortly. It is always an INTERESTING choice for her, but not — in my opinion — a wholly successful one. Let’s look, at that, and everything else!

In other looks, THIS had to be freezing cold. This was super wacky (although a bit fun). This was CHEERFUL but likewise quite wacky:

At the time, I said that looked like a bejewled paper plate and I stand by that. It’s a very FESTIVE and COLORFUL plate, but still. A plate it be.

This is also Monse, and a very memorable one indeed:

Yes. That is a pillowcase which somehow has sleeves? It’s certainly whimsical? (You can see all its many angles here, for a complete portrait.)

This is ALSO Monse. I wonder if Jaime King is best friends with the Monsians?

Sometimes, umpires do have formal events. (It must be said that I think her face looks FANTASTIC there, though.)

This was very Milkmaid-Adjacent:

And this one was terrifically floaty:

It’s that fine line between caftan and shirt and personally, I always vote GO FULL CAFTAN.

What did Ms Olsen get up to this year? In short, she often dressed too old for her agealso here; also HERE — got to laugh at cake with Tom Hiddleston, and also very regularly looked as if she belonged to a cult:

I just couldn’t resist opening with that. It’s so amusing to me. It’s like…straitjacket chic. I’m sure you also want to see the front, and I’m here for you:

It’s casual summer Fridays at her cult.

I will note that I love her shoes her and also her makeup and also her hair (this might be the game where I note that the person’s head almost always looks fab):

This is from the day her cult volunteers at BriteSmile:

And this was from their field trip to the Maidenform factory:

She must have GREAT confidence in her ability to navigate the world without spilling.

Please enjoy Jaime’s archives.

And here are Elizabeth’s.

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Jaime King (71%, 4,046 Votes)
  • Elizabeth Olsen (29%, 1,640 Votes)

Total Voters: 5,683

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