Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Charo Bracket, Top Half

 

As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, pursue the the FAQ. And, most importantly, enjoy!

Jump to: Jessica Biel v. Rooney Mara · Ciara v. Zosia Mamet · Kristen Wiig v. Pharrell Williams(1) RIHANNA vs. (16) JEMIMA KIRKE

Behold Rihanna’s archives, for they are rich in the fug! She wore onesies! She wore catsuits! She wore trench coats and ONLY trench coats. (Remember, this is the woman who recently gave a quote which explained — if I may paraphrase — that if she’s wearing a shirt, she’s not going to wear a bra, but if she’s wearing a bra, she doesn’t want to wear a shirt. Which is awful but I also thought it was really funny. I don’t know. It’s so honest!)

She also wore the likes of this:

You have to give her credit for giving the paparazzi something to laugh at. Beyond her outfit.

So I guess this fell into the Not Needing A Bra category, despite the fact that it barely falls into the CLOTHING category.

Rihanna was, like, REALLY into robes this year. Like, extremely. I kind of love this:

Not in the way where I think it’s good, but in the way where I think it’s amusing. She looks like a private dancer — a dancer for money, if you will — performing in character as Cruella deVil, had she decided to go down another path. It’s cartoonish in a way that makes the whole thing feel harmless. And also TOTALLY INSANE.

Speaking of going out wearing just wearing a bra:

It’s a fancy bra, at least? And the skirt top rather reminds me of a girdle, so that’s some fancy-ass undergear.

Remember my theory that she’s really into robes at the moment? Pretty sure this is a sweater, and only a sweater:

And — while this is really just the tip of the Rihanna-berg, if you can believe it, so really do look at her archives — we cannot forget that she both wore these jeans(es) and also designed them, thus inflicting them on us all and giving others the opportunity to inflict them as well:

Hilarious/terrifying. Hilarrifying. And there’s so much more. There’s that time she wore just a tee shirt! There’s that time she wore a baggy leather jumpsuit and was delighted by herself! There’s this bizarre hosiery situation! And these re-purposed jammies! And her mesh shorts! And so much more. So very much more.

Now, as to her opponent, although her body of work is not quite as vast as Rihanna’s, Jemima Kirke also does not shy from sheers.

This outfit + her hair + her pose = a girl doing a “photoshoot” with her friends during an 8th grade sleepover. Jemima ALSO, like Rihanna, loves herself a long long long long long long cardigan:

I’m for real convinced that is an ACTUAL bathrobe, like a hung-on-the-back-of-the-bathroom-door robe. This may also be a robe, but at least it’s a more glamorous one:

And one final volley into the land of the sheer:

Bless.

(8) JESSICA BIEL vs. (9) ROONEY MARA

Biel’s archives await thee here! Rooney’s can be rifled through here! Allow the judgement to begin!

Biel was put up to a Fug or Fab vote quite a lot this year. We voted on her aggressive epaulets, her poofy skirts, her Stern Riding Instructor outfit! We wondered if she had avian flu! But while the decision before rests on her entire body of work this year, mostly I just want to show you these two looks on a loop:

WHAT

and NOPE. (I mean, look at her archives, for sure. Marinate in them. But just these two look ALONE would have punched her ticket to Fug Madness. They are BLIGHTS.)

Rooney Mara also wears a TON of black — her archive is, in many ways, is just this look over and over and over again — but then, like Maude, there’s this:

I am sure I made a joke about consumption when we first covered that, because I almost did it again. It’s aggressively unflattering and might be part of a plot. This, at least, is intriguingly hideous:

When people ask us what we mean when we say something is “directional,” and we explain that it’s a word the fashion industry often uses as code for “hideous and unflattering but at interesting and by someone too important for us to insult,” the above is a dress I want to use to illustrate that definition, henceforce.

This also almost gave me a rage-stroke this past year:

What. No. Stop. Other items that need potential stopping: Her sartorial gloom, her depressive embrace of the crop top, and whatever this terribly sad thing actually is.

(5) CIARA vs. (12) ZOSIA MAMET

Ciara had a STRONG year, you guys. There is a history of five seeds going farther than you’d think in the tournament — at least, in the NCAA tournament there is; three five seeds have made the title game since 2001, although there is ALSO a tradition of the 12 seed upsetting the 5 seed) and she may just do it here. Her archive is INSANE. What is THIS? Or THIS? OR THIS?!

That photo just makes me laugh. SOMEONE though her gig was a stand-up only.

This also makes me laugh. This is her salute to Bieber. This is her sartorially pouring one out for last year’s champion:

Yes, those pants have a cape. Guess what else had a cape last year in Ciara’s wardrobe?

This…whatever this is! A Salute to Robyn? It is tremendously, unequivocally weird, is what it is, and I can’t believe I forgot it happened until just now.

This…also happened:

It’s what you get when you think, “I’m going to make a dress inspired by the skeleton of a showgirl, if it were in the middle of transmogrifying into a bird!” It’s also a repeat of something Beyonce already wore — albeit in a different colorway — which is ten kinds of weird. This isn’t even getting into the issues with her formal loincloth, or whatever this is (it might be shortalls?!?!), or her shout-out to the New York Post.

Speaking of weird:

Boobs don’t need a sleep mask.

At least Zosia — who, we famously learned this year, refuses to speak to New York magazine and NONE OF US KNOW WHY — does not fear color, nor pattern:

She may fear smiling?

Maybe she has Resting Cranky Face? Maybe she’s constantly plotting the demise of her stylist? We cannot know. But we CAN know this:

WHAT. NO. THIS IS A TEE SHIRT. YOU ARE WRONG.

(4) KRISTEN WIIG vs. (13) PHARRELL WILLIAMS

Although Hat was kicked out of the running for this fine honor in the play-in game, felled by Bag — a worthy opponent — the hat lives on, on Pharrell’s head:

“I know, dude. EVERYONE’s talking about this hat.”

Pharrell is a dapper human, however, in many ways, even if only from the waist up:

Which may be why his opponent, Wiig, has apparently dressed so as to steal into his wife’s seat and hope he doesn’t notice until it’s too late:

Wiig’s archives are a veritable parade of WTF, and I encourage you to take a look, but make sure, when voting, not to overlook the following:

UGH.

YIKES.

What Wiig misses, I think, and Pharrell has — I swear I’m not electioneering, just musing — is a sense of humor. I do not know what is happening here, but at least Hat is involved:

In fact, most of what brought Pharrell to the party here — other than wearing SHORTS to the OSCARS, which gets a man an automatic in — is his wack taste in accessories:

I dunno, either, Pharrell:

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