There is at least something charming about how proud Demi Moore is of her bike shorts. Apparently, for the Oscars in 1989, Moore came up with this outfit herself — it is, quite seriously, bike shorts and a corset and some fabric she sewed around it, and and I will give her points for that because I barely know how to thread a needle. I would have to staple these items together if I had a prayer of combining them on my body. If she actually did it herself, full marks. She even somehow came up with a coat, though she soon shed it:

61st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

It’s just deliriously bananas, and I believe every single person in the background of this photo is thinking some version of, “I cannot believe I am witnessing this. Quick, take another photo. I can’t wait to get these developed. I hope they’re not blurry.” I read something ridiculous from Vogue three years ago that tried to argue that this dress felt impressively on-point for 2018 and how “the fashion industry and its many millennial followers are still obsessed with anything and everything ugly-chic,”  including, yes, bike shorts. “Today, it couldn’t look cooler,” the headline gushed. Except, yes it could. It could totally look cooler. It could look 100 percent cooler. It is 180 degrees from cool. Fun, sure. Unusual, yes. Eye-catching, obviously. But I suspect even Demi did not put this together and think, “Hot damn, this couldn’t look cooler.”

Crabby old Granny Fug here rejects the notion that bike shorts ever were back, for any reason other than riding a bike. If you are not currently on a bike, about to get on a bike, have just gotten off a bike, or frantically trying to meet up with a cycling aficionado who agreed to come to Debbie Country only to discover him hitting on your roommate, then there is no good reason to be all, “Yes, bike shorts, the perfect finisher.” I look at this now and smile fondly because of how thrilled she is, and how openly and warmly she owned this explosion of Disney villain meets Fraulein Maria. And yes, it’s true, I can see the Rita Oras or Dua Lipas of the world pausing to consider it (shoot, now I want to make a CONSIDER MELISSA LEO poster, but of bike shorts). But coolness? Nah. I am gonna stay on the cranky side of that bridge, thanks.

[Photos: Getty]