Just in case you are not on Twitter, and thus did not feel the flames on the side of America’s face — breathing… breathl… heaving… heaving breaths — when the University of Maryland debuted one of its new uniform combinations, well, here it is. Oregon did it first, creating a new combo for each game of its football season (and then changing them every year; here is a primer on its inability to find an awesome combo); now MD is in on the action. In Oregon’s case, I get it. The school colors are not spectacular, nor classic, so everyone probably just wants to be able to wear whatever the hell they want. But Maryland’s were fine. Also, my question is: What if this is confusing to the players? I mean, take Oregon. One week they’re, like, urine-yellow; another, green, and yet another, black. Or white with randomly colored pants. What if the QB forgets what the hell they’re wearing and accidentally chucks the ball to the wrong team? Or if Jack QB from Maryland dishes the ball to the opposing team because he forgets which side of the helmet he’s supposed to be able to see, or a safety flies off and tackles his own DB instead of the opposing RB? Awkward. I mean, I guess this is why — obviously, the only reason why — I am not a football player.

But hey, I guess if what you’ve been craving all your life is a proper sporting tribute to the mighty flag of Maryland, you have gotten your wish. Sigh. [Note: I am compelled to clarify, for the few who needed to hear it, that I am not fugging the Maryland state flag; merely the application thereof on football uniforms.] In fifty years our generation is going to be rocking in our chairs on the porch, creaking out rants about how in OUR day, teams had ONE uniform, instead of looking like a completely different squad every week. We will seem so quaint.

Tags: athletes