Fug Madness 2016 Round One: Charo Bracket, Part 1

Herein, we have last year’s winner beginning her bid to be the first-ever champion, and perennial faves Chloe Sevigny, Rihanna, and Solange each tipping off against a lower seed. Can anyone pull the upset?

 

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Kim Kardashian vs. Bella Hadid  ·  Irina Shayk vs. Solange  ·  Chloe Sevigny vs. Julianne Hough  ·  Rihanna vs. Chrissy Teigen

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1. KIM KARDASHIAN vs. 16. BELLA HADID

I’ve been slow on the uptake with Bella Hadid. She just felt for so long like, “Oh, well, it worked to make Gigi a model, so let’s do it with the other one, too.” At least that’s a job, and she’s working, much like Kendall (no one can dispute her gainful employment). But I still think of her as The Manufactured Hadid, a bit, something which is only reinforced when you see that her tastes and Kim’s aren’t THAT far apart. Observe:

Can you not easily see Kim in that? She didn’t wear anything of its exact ilk this year, BUT SHE WOULD. It’s super Kim, with a dash of Ciara (another junior Kardashian in my mind, even though she doesn’t actually associate with them).

And this:

Couldn’t you see Kim at least CONSIDERING this?

That ‘s just shoelaces. You can’t fool me.

She also has strange taste in casual wear:

This might make sense for “Bella Hadid Leaves Gym With Friends,” but the album was captioned, “Bella Hadid Gets Coffee And Shops At A Bookstore.” And in that, she DEFINITELY has things in common with Kim, because look what she wears for such outings as Kim Kardashian Leaves Medical Building:

I bet you could do a perfectly clear over-the-belly ultrasound without even removing that thing first. She also wore that latex dress the color of a pencil eraser, WHILE PREGNANT, and it was the third time she’d picked something from that line. And then there’s the time she went to her book signing in a see-through lace top, or this one-sleeved caftan. And her see-through feathered confection for the Met Ball. Or this, which at the time I called a “cyclone of suck.” And OH MY GOD THIS ENTIRE SLIDESHOW. Reader, I laughed. Remember: She’s a comedy; she just doesn’t know it yet.

Chuckle with me:

It genuinely looks like it’s made of gaffer tape.

Remember this?

Or its heinous cousin?

And no, she wasn’t pregnant ALL year:

I could go on; it would be so easy. It’s KIM KARDSHIAN. There’s a ton. We didn’t even discuss Kimnaerys Kargaryen, Mother of Dragons. Sometimes I just have to step back and tip my hat to her and her family’s COMPLETE and TOTAL COMMITMENT to being the fashion world’s unintentional court jesters. They DO NOT FLINCH.

So what do you think? Can this Cinderbella knock out Kimderella?

Archives: Kim Kardashian, Bella Hadid

8. IRINA SHAYK vs. 9. SOLANGE

Let’s start with Solange attending an event only partially free from her cocoon.

Good luck shedding the rest of it, kid. We’re all pulling for you.

This outfit would appear to be attempting to reinvent the brassiere:

Also, are those satin pants? Also the brassiere wasn’t broken; it didn’t need fixing, certainly not by a giant X that’s effectively a sartorial whammy.

This gown was eligible last year for Rita Ora, because she wore a version of it. Did you miss it? Because you’re in luck:

I wrote “You’re in lick” by mistake at first, but in fact, it’s an incredibly apt typo. She IS in lick. That IS a fabric tongue. There’s also an entire slideshow of Fashion Week outfits that includes sandals laced over VERY large fishnet tights, and a leather shirt with puffed sleeves that’s only barely hanging together. She truly is the Solangiest Solange that ever Solanged.

And any conversation about Solange’s year either begins or ends with this Giles marvel:

It is magically hilarrible.

This is just hilarrible:

I’m sure I didn’t need to tell you it’s Versace, because we’re all increasingly fluent in this corner of Donatella’s oeuvre. It’s HIDEOUS, and worse, it didn’t even fit.

At least Irina is ably supported here. And I should probably applaud her for wearing an underskirt where so many celebrities would have just gone full Put The Tape On My Wax Job And Go.

She wore this to the Met Gala, and I’m still not convinced it isn’t from the David’s Bridal “Tarts On Ice” wedding collection.

And of course, sometimes she just keeps the peekaboo fug simple.

“Here,” she is saying. “Let me uncomplicated things for you: LOOK RIGHT THERE. THAT IS WHERE I WANT EYEBALLS.” Okay then.

Archive: Irina Shayk, Solange

5. CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. 12. JULIANNE HOUGH

Oh, Chloe. This year was such a magnificent return to wacktacular form. Let me lead off with the dress I called “The Flamencow.”

It’s Spanish Dancer in spots, and bovine in its Spots. Proenza Schouler has a lot to answer for right now. Not only is her lip leaking out, but her right boob is right behind it.

She also delivered at the Met:

That Gala is the lynchpin of many a Fug Madness candidacy, and hers is no exception. It certainly adheres to theme, but I feel like all of China — or ANY nation; China just happens to be the honoree in question — would be offended by the garish lack of precision.

Speaking of garish: Rodarte.

And speaking of SHOES THAT ARE TOO TERRIFYING TO LIVE, I bring you these:

This is the dress to which it was attached. I just… no. YOU ARE NOT CAROL CHANNING. Not that Chloe has unimpeachable taste in shoes; take these equally pink misfits, for example. And her insanity is not limited to footwear. She also wore giant tassel earrings that look positively painful to me. And there’s a misguided kilt, a hideous sweatshirt, bad pants… Oh, and remember this HUGELY busy Gucci? We noted to each other that it seemed VERY Kooky Old Broad, and indeed, a Kooky Old Broad (unknown to us, so we didn’t post her) wore it to the Oscars this year. I love it when a plan comes together.

Julianne Hough had a good year with Grease Live, but as usual, she whiffed it on the red carpet more often than not, bless her multi-talented heart. I mean:

That was NEVER going to make sense. That’s taking lemons and just stepping on them so they explode.

It’s apt that she’s in a bracket with a Kardashian, because this reminds me of a waxtastic dress Kendall once wore:

The colors and some of the pattern are pretty, but the platforms and the frightening crotch strip are not.

This must have been designed on a VERY dark day for Marchesa. It is a bad mood in gown form.

And here’s the piece de resistance:

He may well be a wonderful gentleman, but he should shave walked IN FRONT OF HER so that nobody could SEE that this was happening. In any room, anytime. It’s soft-core court-jester porn.

Archive: Chloe Sevigny, Julianne Hough

4. RIHANNA. 13. CHRISSY TEIGEN

Rihanna had arguably the most glorious red carpet moment of 2015. She won the hell out of that Met Gala. And I guess the old What Goes Up Must Come Down rule of the universe was in effect that night, because this is how she chased it:

Never has there been a sadder coda to a symphony.

Never has there been a more amusing outfit in which to be caught street-drinking from what I assume is a plastic cup of wine.

Never has there been amore Barbie-like version of Rihanna. Do you think the perfume even SMELLS like Mattel?

Never has a boob wanted to flee so badly.

She also had some slideshows full of treasures, like this strange micro-suit, or the time she wore a knit catwoman hat to Fashion Week. And what of her feet from scalped Ewoks?

And this is pretty much how she feels about ANY of our opinions:

Fair enough.

Next up, Chrissy Teigen, who did not spend the entire year pregnant and therefore pulled out some stuff that’s still plenty hard to explain. Like this:

How does one even begin? I keep wanting to tell her to tie her sash.

This, I understand. Well, I mean, I DON’T — Sideboob and Fringe sounds like an Adult Swim cartoon — but this also feels like something Chrissy could never resist. From the front:

I mean, who among us could RESIST being refried Ciara? WHO INDEED.

She also embraced this trend of a giant waist-gobbling ruffle on your chest, which is a mistake for nigh on everyone involved.

Do not forget, either, the time she wore a skimpy bra top to TCAs, a.k.a. an event at which she’d be seated the entire time, nor these goofy bellbottoms. Nor the night she hosted the Billboard Music Awards in a handful of things we had already seen on other people and also some that were awful. Like this:

Do you see that girl on the right there, in the crowd? That is how I feel every time I look at this.

Archives: Rihanna, Chrissy Teigen