Fug Madness 2016 Round One: Bjork Bracket, Part 1

I just finished my The People vs OJ Simpson recap, and all I can think is, “I’m not sure Bobby Kardashian wants his face dragged into any of this.”

This bracket brings you so much goodness, and also nudity. Heidi Klum takes on Nicki Minaj, in what will surely be a bit of a sheer-off. Diane Kruger has an early battle against someone who is sort of the same Genre of Dresser that she is, Greta Gerwig. We have Two People Often Accused Of Nepotism facing off, in the forms of Gigi Hadid v. Dakota Johnson. And, of course, one must wonder CAN KANYE BEAT BELLA THORNE?

 

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Kanye vs. Bella Thorne  ·  Diane Kruger v. Greta Gerwig  ·  Gigi Hadid v. Dakota Johnson  ·  Heidi Klum v Nicki Minaj

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6. KANYE WEST vs. 11. BELLA THORNE

I am actually a person who has a lot of sympathy for Kanye. I think he’s a genius in a lot of ways, but that he’s also really bad at being able to hold his thoughts in his head until they’re really ready to come out. The same could go for a lot of what has come out of his house this year, in the Should You Be Wearing This In Public kind of way? But, to be wholly frank, he possibly doesn’t look as bad as you remember him looking. BEHOLD:

Okay, that snap is just funny — he’s at Disneyland with a ton of kids (Wests, Disicks, friends of both) and that look of child-like wonder at the Jungle Cruise kind of makes me want to hug him and then share a Dole Whip.

I have NO kindly explanation for this:

 

He kinda looks like Hot Topic barfed on him, which isn’t as dope as Kanye generally prefers to be, I suspect. #NoDisrespecttoHotTopic.

Kanye DID have a habit, this year — and remember, we’re only voting on this year, from Oscars to Oscars; this is just a SAMPLING, and I have linked to the pertinent archives below, so do your due diligence — of sort of rolling out of the house in what MIGHT be technically sweats?

I mean…at least he’s comfy? This was at an awards show, too. It’s basically the sartorial expression of Eff It, I Don’t Care About MTV. (I wish Kim would ALSO pop out in sweats sometimes. You KNOW she wishes she could.)

Kanye also often vaguely looks like the best dressed dude on Tatooine.

He is ALL about neutrals that would blend with great chicness on sand-based planets. Also things with holes in them. Kanye’s SUPER into distressing right now. Even on Easter Sunday:

Oh, right. He’s also into VICTORY:

I don’t know if I totally agree that this look is a touchdown, Kanye, but I appreciate the enthusiasm.

Over to Bella Thorne — and surely this is the first time that these two have been in direct competition for ANYTHING. But hopefully not the last.

Remember Coachella? Who could forget?

Part of me thinks, “yes. You are young and your body is great. FLAUNT IT.” And the rest of me thinks, “Abs AND denim diapers together might be a bridge too far. Just wear a bikini and have done with it!” (She does NOT fear An Ab. Nor…whatever this technically reveals. Nor does she shy from wearing a bath towel!)

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT ABS?

Because it seems that she ALSO loves A Bra Top. I suppose that follows:

That is…confusing on a lot of levels. Including whatever the hell that top is made of?

Speaking of Coachella, how did she NOT wear this there:

There are WAY too many diaper-cut bottoms in this bunch.

She is obviously trying to woo me with much use of the Breton stripe:

I appreciate the thought, but I’m not falling for it.

But while we’re talking about things I fell for, I liked this when she originally wore it:

 

And now I want to slightly retract that. The front looks like arts and crafts. I LIKE arts and crafts, but don’t always want to wear them.

In short:

Here are Kanye’s archives.

Here are Bella’s archives.

3. DIANA KRUGER vs. 14. GRETA GERWIG

Oh, Diane. Sometimes when I think mournfully of people’s mistakes, this pops into my head:

And I kept hearing it while pulling these photos. I mean:

Even SHE said on her Instagram that she thought that look was nutty. I mean, points for self-awareness?

She wore this next one RIGHT as our eligibility period began:

This is a STRONG start. This start says, “I’m making a run for the final four of Fug Madness, and you can’t stop me.” And she ended the eligibility period as boldly and brashly as she began it:

IN SHORT: YIKES.

Even SHE appears to have regretted this one:

Ditto this one, actually:

“Maybe if I don’t make eye contact with the camera, everyone will forget any of this happened??”

We NEVER forget, my darling. Even though sometimes, as with this, we certainly WISH WE COULD:

That’s just full-on bizarro.

Speaking of moments to remember, though:

SIGH. I actually liked that outfit, although I recognize it was divisive. I mostly just wanted to revisit Pacey. (I know there are certain stories that they’ve moved in together and I actually just don’t buy it. Her Instagram has been so coy and weird for the last six months, they’re never attending stuff together, and there was a Blind Item [I know] about a long-time couple that’s broken up over infidelity, but are waiting until after her milestone birthday to make it public, and a lot of the details pointed to them. Diane is turning 40 this year. I don’t WANT them to break up, but something seems weird to me. TIME. SHALL. TELL.)

Regardless, you guys, there’s so much more from Diane! SO MUCH! Like this depressing number! This umpire/cheerleader mash-up! This…whatever this is! LOOK:  I bring you Diane’s archives! Get lost in them!

Over to Greta, who feels like a Diane Kruger in the making to me. Like, visually. She has a similar quirky style, too, although not nearly as wide a selection of looks this year:

Diane Kruger would totally try to wear that, don’t you think?

She’d DEFINITELY wear a Dress Made of Sweater:

And Karl may well have OFFERED her this particular Chanel at some point:

This is just boring, which isn’t always the worst thing in the world:

I didn’t hate this, but a lot of you sure did:

Who I am to fail to remind you of how much you hated it? That’s what this thing is all about.

And Greta’s archive lives here!

7. GIGI HADID vs. 10. DAKOTA JOHNSON

Time for your Nepotism Battle! Note: I actually think they’re both totally acceptable at their respective jobs, so who cares? HOWEVER. It IS what they have in common. But it’s not the only thing:

They both wore tiny cocktail frocks either to the Met Gala, or to its afterparty:

They’ve both worn wacky things whilst leaving hotels:

They have both worn a very specific shade of yellow:

 

They’ve both dabbled in shiny shiny gold:

They’ve both done a peekaboo black number:

They’ve both sported white dresses that appear to be missing the something that goes OVER them:

And they both chose ensembles that raised more questions than they answered:

Who’d have thought these two would have so much to discuss?

Here are Gigi’s archives. (And they are JAM-PACKED with crazy looks; I have just skimmed the surface here.)

And here, you can find Dakota’s.

2. HEIDI KLUM vs. 15. NICKI MINAJ

OH MAN. This one should be fun. But allow me to be frank with you. Heidi could go all the way. I basically want to present this selection of her works from this year without comment.  AHEM:

…..

??????

!!!!!!!

[concerned sounds]

$#%&**$T#T#

?????????????? (That one seemed to require boldness, if nothing else.)

And, finally:

I wish I could just provide a sound effect here. It would be like, strangled screaming followed by dry heaves. CONGRATS, HEIDI. You have put together a stunning run, and you’ve also done it with your freaking face looking basically GREAT the whole time. THAT. TAKES. SKILL.

Can Nicki hope to keep up? Some years, EASILY. But she didn’t go out as much this year. And, to be 200% honest, you could argue that she was wearing a Heidi Klum costume nearly every time. Okay, MAYBE not this first one:

But Heidi would TOTALLY wear this next look, possibly to introduce some kind of Project Runway challenge sponsored by Z Gallerie:

And we KNOW she’d wear this:

I suspect she might be peeved that she didn’t get to it first, in fact.

And I definitely think Heidi’d at least consider this one:

Is imitation the great form of flattery? Who gets the points for this one?

Here are Heidi’s majestic archives.

And behold Nicki’s.