Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Cher Bracket, Bottom Half

As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work from this period (late Feb, after the 2013 Oscars, through this year’s Oscars). Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, pursue the the FAQ. And, most importantly, have fun.

Jump to: Gwyneth Paltrow v. Madonna · Julia Roberts v. Nicole Scherzinger · Demi Lovato v. Sarah Paulson 

(2) JENNIFER LAWRENCE vs. (15) JANUARY JONES

Or, WHAT DIOR HATH WROUGHT:

That is seriously just a joke. Those are joke pants. Those pants are someone at Dior f’ing with her, and all of us.  They are INSANITY. All of J Law’s archives this year can kind of be summed up as, “WTF, Dior,” however. And while I encourage you to peruse them, here are some of the most egregious offenders:

UGH SHEER (which is the name of one of my many fictional indie bands):

UGH, even SHEERER:

Honestly, that dress is just a blight.  There is no reason not to line that skirt. It’s not prettier unlined, it’s not more interesting, it’s not more flattering. At this point, it’s not even more shocking. It’s just ugly and unnecessary, and, frankly, ridiculous. Stop the madness.

I am sure Dior is paying Lawrence an immense amount of money, but the weird thing about this partnership, to me, is that it doesn’t seem to be doing either one of them any favors. FOR EXAMPLE:

THAT helps no one’s cause. Neither did her Globes dress. Or her Oscars dress. And we can’t put all the blame on Dior, frankly — J Law broke free of its shackles for the Vanity Fair Oscars party, and it involved sheer ass panels. Which means we have to confront the possibility that girlfriend just has questionable taste. I know. I don’t like that either.

Speaking of things I don’t like:

That should just be illegal. It’s so ugly. It’s like a low rent ice dancing costume had a baby with American Apparel.

This is, frankly, not much better:

This entire match-up, in fact, is just Sheer Things That Are Giving Me Wrinkles:

But this is merely a taste of the January Jones Year That Was. Don’t forget these drab pants, or this wickedly underwhelming Golden Globes dress, or the wacktacular proportions on this thing, or this Absurdly Retro Get-Up. The question is, after you look at her archives, do you think she can knock out Lawrence?

(3) GWYNETH PALTROW vs. (14) MADONNA

This is delicious. A battle of blonde frenemies. I hope that somewhere, they’re each harassing their friends to BRING THE OTHER ONE DOWN.

Let’s kick it off with GOOP. She’s wearing a wine bag:

And while we put many of her looks from this past eligibility period up to a vote (it’s true! Look at her archives!), there’s no doubt that she went out with seriously half her ass hanging out:

We know you’re in great shape, Gwyneth. WE KNOW.

She also sported unsightly pit-flaps:

And did this to herself, a crime against her hair if nothing else:

But there’s so much more! She also wore a dress that was at least part bathing suit, this hella tight First Communion gown (and I don’t mean “tight” in the slangy approving way), and this flowery get-up that I actually like, but not everyone did.

I don’t have a good segue for Madonna, but I can tell you that this year was strangely colorless for Madge.

Zzzzzzz.

SNORE.

We get it.

(6) JULIA ROBERTS vs. (11) NICOLE SCHERZINGER

Julia Roberts deserves a hand this year, for making this picture happen. It is REALLY a sight to behold:

I wish someone would make a gif of this photo waggling back and forth, so that she’s doing the NKOTB “Hanging Tough” dance. The crazy thing is, this is the most flattering angle. Every other picture from the SAGs is heinous.

I hated this Golden Globes dress. HATED IT. Although, weirdly, now that other people have started wearing even uglier versions of this dress, I can look at it and know that things could be worse?

Not that that makes it good. Julia – as you’ll see in her archives — popped out a lot this year wearing dresses shaped like the below:

That one might be the worst, though. (Although this one has its issues.) And we haven’t even talked about her Oscars dress!

Moving onto Nicole. There is a LOT to digest here. Let’s start with this as an amuse bouche:

I wish you could see my face right now. It’s ensembles like that which are giving me wrinkles. The following is not helping on that front, either:

And the only thing I can really say about this is WORDS:

SO MANY WORDS:

A DICTIONARY FULL OF WORDS.

(7) DEMI LOVATO vs. (10) SARAH PAULSON

I suspect this is the last time these two will ever be in head-to-head competition. Although you never know; Demi may get a Broadway play and surprise us all, and Sarah might have a pop album roiling inside her. I actually hope both those things come to pass.

As to the matter at hand:

One of my favorite things about these photos — and, indeed, many of the pictures in her archive — is that she looks as if she’s TOTALLY REGRETTING what she’s wearing. It’s as if the instant the flash goes off, she thinks, “aw, shit.”

She’s not wrong.

I’ve used the phrase, “this is just the tip of the iceberg” A LOT already this Fug Madness, but the truth, dear reader, is that it’s ALWAYS TRUE. This isn’t good on Paulson either (although she IS smiling and looks quite adorable from the neck up), and the best I could rustle up for this look was “not terrible.” Damning with faint praise, friends.

On to Demi! I hope that here she’s singing an ode to the misunderstood plight of the referee:

Her archive awaits you, but as always, I have a few selections for you to nibble on in making your choices. Behold, at the Grove:

She, too, has been bit by the sheer bug this year. It’s never going to really leave us, I fear. Misappropriation of the sheer is the cockroach of fashion: Never pleasant to encounter and impossible to destroy.

I kind of enjoy how Demi’s hair often looks a bit like a brioche:

Her hair, in fact, could be in a bracket of its own. She’s been brunette, and brunetter,  and blonde, and right now I think she might be blue. Take these things into consideration…and vote: