While watching the premiere of Project Runway: All Stars, I realized that the divinely straight-shooting and cool Joanna Coles of Marie Claire — she’s the Tim Gunn of the series, and I have to say, she is making it work — reminds me a lot of SWINTON here. Both physically, and in the sense that I feel if I went to them with any kind of life crisis, I would get seized by the shoulders and given a mellifluous and true speech steering me away from shenanigans.

I would like to return the favor, except right now I sound like a small family of bees has taken up residence in my nasal canal, so it wouldn’t be so much “mellifluous” as “unpleasant and droning.” But I do think I’d have cautioned Our Lady of Wackitudinal Yes against pants whose only true hem is the floor. I’m also not wild about the dueling purples, and frankly, the rise on those trousers reminds me of nothing so much as Apu from The Simpsons. For what it’s worth, if SWINTON ran a convenience store, I would shop there unreservedly. I would be her best customer, get fat on her shriveled and warmed-over hot dogs, and go broke on scratch lotto tickets. But I would still probably warn her off the pants. They’re just not worthy. They are the Wayne Campbell of pants.

[Photo: Getty]