Famed British toy store Hamleys — which was my Mecca as a kid who grew up over there, because they had a HUGE My Little Pony section back then, so I always wanted to take people there to be like LOOK HOW MASSIVE THIS TOY STORE IS LET’S NEVER LEAVE — is getting in on the Royal Wedding souvenir action. And why not? Unfamous random people on eBay are doing it, so why not a giant money-sucking vortex of noise (like I said, I loved it, but I now also understand why my mother was like, “Please God NO, not AGAIN”)?
I present to you the Princess Catherine doll, retailing for a brisk thirty-five pounds, a.k.a. about $57:
It’s not a horrible likeness, actually, and yet somehow it manages to be horrible in general. I’m sure Kate Middleton is, by this point, plenty secure within herself and so she won’t give this a second thought. Whereas I would take one look at this thing and be like, “Why did nobody TELL me that my HEAD is WAY TOO BIG for my neck? And why aren’t my shoes cuter? They look like 1997! And what is that giant pink thing? The figurative pound of blood I am giving to the royal family? WHAT?”
I don’t recall Kate pairing her famous Issa dress with a teardrop-shaped head wound, but perhaps after posing next to her fiance for eighteen hours, she banged her head against the wall and produced a mess. In all seriousness, that feels like a very lazy fascinator — I mean, come on, give the girl something more fun. You’re SELLING her. She’s going to ride to Westminster Abbey and probably see a bunch of little girls standing next to the blockades, having waited there for God knows how long, waving Princess Catherine dolls that look like they were used to bludgeon a lipstick. Unfair! This thing should have an awesome Royal Ascot caliber fascinator the likes of which we non-princesses can only dream. However, bonus: the Princess Catherine doll is officially a really easy Halloween costume. Just take pink construction paper, weave it real fast, and cut it into a sad shape, and then tape it to your forehead. Voila! Charge everyone a discounted rate to look at you — say, $45 bucks instead of $57 — and laugh all the way to the bank. Or to the curb, where you will be kicked with a quickness.
[Photo: Pacific Coast News]