As you know if you haven’t been stuck in a rowboat for several years, the season finale of Game of Thrones is on Sunday. We haven’t covered it previously because (a) Heather doesn’t watch it, (b) I skipped half of a season because I got real mad about them setting that little girl with the scales on her face on fire and never bothered to watch the shows I missed, and ergo I am often extremely confused about what’s happening, and (c) I never learned half of the character names and it’s too late now so all my recaps would be like, “and then that Nice Old Dude Who Learned To Read From Grayscale Child FINALLY finds That Dude Who’s Been in a Rowboat This Whole Time and introduces him to Jon Snow!” I feel like people would find my commitment to dragon motion, therefore, lacking.
That does not, however, prevent us — in the grand tradition of That Time We Did It For Downton Abbey — from providing you with The Official GFY GoT Drinking Game.* And also from inviting you to speculate and conversate about what you think may well unfold on this weekend’s finale, also known as The Time HBO Told MTV They DGAF about the VMAs.
Drink once if:
- Littlefinger appears in profile. (Seriously, he is hardly ever shot head-on and once you notice this, it is all you will see. He is literally always scuttling around sideways in total shadow. This show is not subtle.)
- You think, “damn, that’s a nice coat.”
- You think, “is Arya a sociopath??!” (She is.)
- Sansa mentions Arya’s Extremely Alarming Rucksack of Human Faces to anyone.
- Bran just stares irritatingly at a tree or whatever INSTEAD OF ANSWERING A DIRECT QUESTION or, I don’t know, TELLING HIS SIBLINGS SOMETHING USEFUL. I know you’re a bird now, but look alive!
- Someone is stabbed. (Someone’s DEFINITELY gonna get stabbed.)
- Someone dies. (Someone is DEFINITELY gonna die.)
- You think, “I am VERY confused about how everyone is getting around Westeros so quickly now given that it took That Kid From The Rowboat like ten years to get anywhere.”
- You think, “wait, who’s that middle-aged white dude?”
- Someone yaps on about the Lord of Light for so long that you almost pick up your phone for a quick round of Candy Crush.
Drink three times if:
- Jon Snow dies AGAIN.
- Jon Snow and Dany get it on and it’s kind of hot EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE RELATED MY GOD THIS SHOW AND THE INCEST GET A GRIP.
- Another dragon bites the dust.
- You find yourself thinking, “Daenerys really needs to get, like, a saddle or something for that dragon because it seems dangerous to just be holding on to something that high up in the sky and she could fall off” AND THEN SHE DOES.
- Something happens that Twitter is REALLY excited about and you have to look it up because you have no idea of the significance of the event because, although you like this show, your brain holds other pieces of information instead, like every hat Kate Middleton wore or all the lyrics to the Buffy musical.
- Someone shows up and everyone on the show acts like they know him and you think, “wait, have we seen this person before?” and then it turns out NO.
- One of the Direwolves pops up.
- Sansa actually gets to be victorious for once. (I LOVE SANSA. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.)
- We ever get to see Grey Worm again. Sigh.
- Someone slaps Jaime Lannister across the face with his own prosthetic hand.
- The Lannisters literally do pay their actual, literal debt to the bank instead of all these METAPHORICAL debts they’re so hot on taking care of.
- The murderer of a dragon…IS ANOTHER DRAGON.
- Anyone gets pushed out of or leaps from a window. (Open windows are VERY DANGEROUS on this show.)
- Something happens in the Previously On that is SO OLD that you totally forgot it happened.
- Cersei meets Dany and decides she seems fine and they’re gonna rule the country as bad ass ladies together.
- We learn that Cersei is TOTALLY LYING about being pregnant (I think she’s either lying or when the baby arrives, he or she will be a dwarf because (a) it runs in the family and (b) she’s been SO MEAN to Tyrion that it would be Dramatically Ironic).
- Someone asks Cersei if she needs to be taking iron supplements because her hair has stopped growing even though it’s been….some indeterminate-but-not-short period of time since she got shorn.
- It is revealed that Varys still has that guy in a box and he’s just been hauling him around the country this whole time.
- We find out that Cersei and the Night King are totally friends and have been sending ravens this whole time.
- We find out that the GoT Ravens and the HP Owls are in a bitter, cross-fictional-property rivalry to see which mail-delivering bird service is the most effective.
Drink everything in the house if:
- Brienne and That Tall Ginger Wilding Who’s So Great get to make out.
— Mike T (@majtague) August 21, 2017
* Please don’t drink if you are not of legal drinking age, and please don’t ever drink and drive. Just stay home drunk in front of the TV like a decent person!