In preparation for this weekend’s two-hour Downton Abbey season finale, otherwise known as the (very seasonal here in the United States) Christmas Special, we present The Official Go Fug Yourself Downton Abbey Christmas Special Drinking Game. You know there will be REVELATIONS! And DRAMA! And HATS! So put on your best evening gloves, pour yourself some champagne, and  please join us. (You can catch up with all of this season’s recaps here, if you need a refresher.)

But first! Some seriousness:  if you do booze it up, please be of legal age and and do not drive and definitely stop before you break your liver/text your ex/fall into a pig pen/get lost forever (?!?!?!) in Germany, etc. We need you alive to comment on whatever happens in this episode come next week (and in general).

BEHOLD THE RULES. We’re so close to being caught up with the lucky folks in the UK who’ve already seen all of these episodes, and that’s definitely something to drink to. I’d like, in fact, to propose a toast to everyone who has seen this season already and hasn’t spoiled those of us who haven’t gotten yet in the US. You guys are awesome.

And now, with no further ado:

Drink once if:

  • Edith cries.
  • Anna cries.
  • Thomas threatens Baxter with vague mentions of her past
  • Someone receives a proposal.
  • Someone gets a Meaningful Letter.
  • Cora behaves like a nitwit
  • Something Intriguing happens at The Very Busy Telephone Table
  • The director cannot resist This Glamorous Shot From The Landing.
  • The Downton Pigs are mentioned and/or spotted.
  • The word “murder” is used.
  • Bates is self-involved
  • Anna references Bates’ tendency to murder and doesn’t seem that upset about the moral implications
  • Thomas gets a vocal dressing down, deserved or otherwise.
  • Something nice finally happens to Poor Molesley.
  • Daisy whines about something.
  • Jimmy is told to shut up.
  • There’s a sizable time jump
  • The Dowager Countess gets the best line of the scene.
  • Isobel does something she perceives as helpful
  • Tom wonders aloud about his political beliefs.
  • Anyone makes mention of modern conveniences (e.g. a refrigerator, a sewing machine)
  • The habits of Americans are remarked upon.
  • The romantic habits of Mary are remarked upon by Cora, to Lord G, in a way that suggests she thinks Mary needs to Get Some
  • Mary kisses Mr. Blake
  • Rose acts swoony over someone
  • Someone name-checks Matthew
  • Someone name-checks Sybil
  • One of Edith’s parents actually notices that something is very wrong with her.
Drink three times if:
  • The Dowager Countess cries
  • Thomas threatens Baxter with specific mentions of her past
  • Someone accepts a proposal.
  • Cora behaves brilliantly
  • There is a sizable time jump in the middle of the episode
  • Someone announces that they’re really in the mood for some good murdering.
  • Mary wears something that isn’t purple, grey, or black.
  • Mary kisses Lord Gillingham
  • The romantic habits of Mary are remarked upon by ANYONE in a way that suggests EVERYONE thinks Mary needs to Get Some
  • Rose kisses someone family-approved
  • Ivy and Daisy act like friends
  • Any of the Upstairs women wears a repeat frock.
  • Anyone mentions Alfred
  • Young Pegg reappears
  • Isobel Crawley gets properly kissed
Chug if:
  • Carson cries
  • Thomas says nothing about Baxter and her past whatsoever (because otherwise what is the POINT of that whole thing?)
  • Mary kisses Evelyn Napier
  • Edith keeps the baby
  • Rose joins a convent
  • Mary Gets Some
  • Edith is genuinely happy for herself
  • Anyone looks as much older as they’re supposed to look given how many years have passed
  • Mrs. Patmore expresses an extreme interest in using modern technology
  • A single, eligible Upstairs man comes to Downton who does not declare himself for Mary
  • A single, eligible Downstairs man comes to Downton and does declare himself for Daisy
  • Tom falls in love with someone extremely rich and snooty
  • Dr. Clarkson gets properly kissed

Drink everything in your house if:

  • They actually find that blasted Gutenberg Bible.