“Ben. Hi, Ben, it’s Tom Hanks here. Now, I know we haven’t co-starred in anything together, Ben, but you know how it is. We’ve been to the same award shows at the same time. We’re SNL five-timers. And IMDb says we both attended the 2004 World Series. We’re practically brothers, Ben. I’m better than your actual brother. So let me level with you as a brother: Don’t be a shitstick. Why are you still doing this? You don’t see Matt Damon doing this. You don’t see George Clooney doing this, although no one sees George Clooney doing anything these days, so it’s possible he froze himself cryogenically just to see if 2030 would be better. And I can’t believe it’s come to this, but I have to say it: You don’t even see the Kardashians doing this, Ben. THE KARDASHIANS. BEN. Sure, walk your dog. Go to the market. Find joy with your partner outdoors. But using this time to turn the streets of L.A. into your own personal Love Catwalk… well, it’s tone deaf, Ben, and so is taking selfies with random gentlemen while standing with your arms around each other. It’s the act of a… what’s the word… selfish turdcone, it really is. You don’t know where that virus has been, or where it’s going. Coronavirus was a real pain in my keister, and I got lucky. So climb out of that douchecanoe. Throw away the oars, and the paparazzo’s phone number. Wash your hands and say a temporary no to selfies and demonstrate to the world that you’re taking this seriously. Okay? Toodles.”
