In need of procrastinatory material on this Friday afternoon? I’m here for you.

– You may have heard that Jennifer Garner is on the current cover of People, in a story called LIFE AFTER HEARTBREAK. You may ALSO have heard that Jennifer released a statement on Facebook taking umbrage at that — she did not participate, and nor, it seems, did anyone else on the record — which would therefore make it look like a big whiff from a magazine that’s notoriously celebrity-friendly and has been pretty soundly on Team Sympathy for Jen. Lainey’s take includes the past several Garner covers on People, and the suggestion that perhaps the denial is creating more buzz than the cover itself. (LaineyGossip)

– Mo Ryan, the chief TV critic at Variety, wrote a stunning and deeply personal essay twining her mother’s death, the possibility she may too get Huntington’s Disease, and The Leftovers — and you don’t have to watch The Leftovers to be moved by it, so don’t let that deter you (just skim those parts). It’s very brave writing to bare yourself that way, and so elegantly. We love you, Mo. (Variety)

– This New Yorker piece reimagines Seinfeld episodes from the point of view of “the normal women Jerry terrorized.” I love the last one. (The New Yorker)

– Jessica Chastain, a Cannes juror, blasted the fest’s slate of films for their portrayal of and perspective on women. Three Vulture critics dissected the fest to try and sort out which films, exactly, might’ve sparked her ire. It includes this interesting perspective from Jada Yuan: “It’s hard for me to get behind this impulse we seem to have to put Chastain up on a pedestal and cheerlead for her when the three other female members of the jury — French director Agnès Jaoui, director Maren Ade, and Chinese superstar Fan Bingbing — all made similar points that aren’t getting any attention.” (Vulture)

– This is another lyrical weepie about the aftermath of tragedy, the seeking of answers, the lifetime of questions. (Hippocampus Magazine)

– I’m going to let this headline speak for itself: “That Time The French Aristocracy Was Obsessed With Sexy Face Stickers.” (Collectors Weekly)

Stylist Magazine claims Breton stripe tops might be giving us headaches. WHY GOD.

– Also at Lainey, Gwyneth is on the cover of The Edit and she says a bunch of stuff that will probably irritate/fascinate people that hate-read all her interviews. As Lainey phrases it, “Basically she’s Galileo, persecuted in her time but vindicated by the future.” (LaineyGossip)

– I forgot to watch this year’s spelling bee, so I was delighted by this piece about it from The Ringer, which covers the drama and also peeks behind the scenes.

– Netflix cancelled Sense8 and The Get Down, two ambitious and expensive projects, so of course the think-pieces about What It All Means are rolling out apace. (THR)

– A sports site fat-shamed Rihanna, and the editor’s non-apology and reason for firing the perpetrator is the stupidest and most wrongheaded thing. Among other arguments, it claims the writer wasn’t hired to have a personality. What? (via Deadspin)

– Pajiba defends the quality of The Simpsons, the dinosaur of network TV. (Pajiba)

– Also over there, the Murder on the Orient Express trailer is out, and Kenneth Branagh’s mustache is robust as hell.

– These pigeon shoes were designed to be realistic enough to befriend other birds. JESSICA DON’T READ THIS ONE YOU HATE BIRDS. (Laughing Squid)

– Venus Williams caused a stir when she referred to sister Serena’s fetus as “she,” but Serena is insisting they still don’t know the gender. I hope it’s a girl, because in 17 years women’s tennis is going to need her. Then again, USA men’s tennis could use a hand also… (Yahoo)

– Continuing in the world of tennis: Sounds like legendary champion Margaret Court is a horrible homophobe. Or rather, an enormous one, given that there is no such thing as an un-horrible homophobe. (Celebitchy)

– People are pissed at Harper’s Bazaar for its glib piece about things you can’t pull off once you’re out of your twenties. (Revelist)

– If you’re watching The Bachelorette, you’ll enjoy that Refinery29 scoured each contestant’s Instagram account for illustrative tidbits. (Refinery29)

– I air-dry my curls — for many reasons, heat damage being only one of them — so I was particularly invested in this piece about the best products to make that work. (Into the Gloss)

– Please grin your way into the weekend with these iconic GIFs from old TV show credits sequences. Yes, you’re damn RIGHT Joan Collins appears. (Boy Culture)