Jared Leto’s Ombre Hair, last seen cascading freely from his glorious manface, died unexpectedly on Monday night. It was not quite three years old.
Hair came onto the scene at the end of 2012, pinched into a bud of a bun that would become its other trademark, and first spilled publicly across his shoulders in mid-2013 at a stirring and noble musicale called the KROQ Weenie Roast. By the end of that year, Hair’s fulsome tips were burnished as gold as the Oscar that Jared Leto would win with them, reaching the apex of its silken glory at the Academy Awards in 2014. Sometimes he pulled Hair back. Sometimes he didn’t appear to wash Hair. Sometimes he brushed Hair to a sheen not unlike the sun glinting off America’s famous amber waves of grain. He never revealed his brand of hair mask.
— David Ayer (@DavidAyerMovies) March 2, 2015
But on Monday, a crude pair of stylist’s shears ate away at Leto’s iconic pony and reduced it to a lifeless — albeit gossamer — yarn, the likes of which will slowly turn up on Etsy, woven into Jordan Catalano dolls. The world of celebrity accessories was left reeling by the news.
“HUNGRY. SPLEEN SNACK,” hissed the greenest and most Satanic of Bag’s various monsters.
“We grieve today the loss of our compatriot,” per a statement released by Connie Britton’s Hair, our last remaining keratin shrine. “And we welcome its displaced fans into our shining, fragrant, godly hair bosom. At least until he finishes this movie and grows it back.”
Hat, which rose to fame atop Pharrell Williams’ head, was more philosophical. “I’m not happy,” it said through a translator who speaks Felt. “But all things must come and go. We burn bright and then we blow out. It’s the ebb and flow of life. Also, let’s be honest for a second here people. Leto looks REALLY REALLY HOT with short hair.”
A photo posted by JARED LETO (@jaredleto) on
“I mean, COME ON,” Hat added with a snort. “WHAT IS ANYONE COMPLAINING ABOUT? LOOK AT THAT. And then look at EVERYTHING. As long as he doesn’t go back to this Ryan Cabrera bullshit, it’s a win for the world. ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS, FOOLS.”