Fug Madness 2020: These (Outfits) Won’t Impress You Much

First! Did you miss our editable bracket? This link will open it! Next: The photos we show aren’t the ONLY ones in consideration; just a representative sample of everything worn from after the Oscars in 2019, through Feb. 10, 2020. Polls close after roughly 24 hours. Vote on any device, as often as you want to or can. 

Quick jump to the polls:

(2) Margot Robbie v. (15) Shania Twain · (3) Jackie Cruz vs. (14) Timothee Chalamet · (7) Jennifer Lopez vs. (10) Kristen Stewart · (6) Kaitlyn Dever vs. (11) Saoirse Ronan

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(2) MARGOT ROBBIE vs. SHANIA TWAIN

A pitch: Margot Robbie PLAYS Shania Twain in a movie of her life, from country stardom to that time she found out her husband was sleeping with her best friend, and then ended up marrying that friend’s ex-husband, to her comeback, to her open-throat surgery, to MORE comebacks. I would watch this. Margot might have to film it in her basement, of course, but she’s a VERY good actress. Just paint the wall bright green and you can key in all the backgrounds you want. Done!

Anyway, Shania. Here she is.

She didn’t do a TON this year, publicly, but she embraced the opportunities to go big when she did. The following feels like it could be D&G, or a knockoff thereof, which, boo, and also it’s a whole lot of look:

I wondered in my notes, “Do the Go Red fashion shows count?” I say yes, because each dress is designed with its wearer’s flair in mind, and this was no exception:

This is such Peak Present-Day Shania that she should fold it into her stage wardrobe. And of course, we have sleeves and tulle to round out the buffet:

Now, lest you be sitting back and thinking, “Heather, how could Margot carry off elbow all those insane tulle pieces?” Well:

She’s been preparing for this role ALREADY, y’all. Possibly HER WHOLE LIFE. I really wish that giant piece of jewelry weren’t dragging down the production, although the entire thing is very Ren Faire Witch on its own. It’s Chanel, and Margot — to my everlasting dismay — is deeply in bed with them. It has almost never produced an outfit that suits her, in my opinion, and often it means she is required to do so much heavy lifting in order to make sense of any of it. Like this:

She looks… probably as good as a person CAN in those weirdo pants, and in that shirt and with a random collar, but WHY is anyone asking a person to carry that load?!? I’m not absolving Margot of responsibility there, either, by the way. When you are Margot Robbie… let’s say Chanel sends you stuff and it’s THIS. You SURELY have enough clout to say, “Maybe next time. This doesn’t suit my needs.” So she must dig it. To each her own, but sometimes a Fug Madness nomination ensues, and that’s that.

I mean, Old Navy tank tops ARE very reliable, but there appears to be a strange mammal adhering to her abdomen. She also wore feathers as a top for Birds of Prey, which is the photo I used of her in the cutout, and is also here for your easier reference. Let us call it underwhelming.

Here, she’s sporting Chanel armbands:

And this is causing my soul to cry out for sweet relief:

Why?!?!?! WHY! It can ONLY be that she’s prepping for the role that will win her an Oscar: Shania Twain. But which of them moves on to Round Two?

Archives: Margot, Shania

 

(3) JACKIE CRUZ vs. (14) TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Let’s get this out of the way: It’s going to be very hard for Timbo Slice to come out on top when Jackie is standing at the peak of Mount St. Fugena in this:

When she bent over to laugh, it seemed in serious danger of dropping off. But hey, at least she was experiencing joy, despite being dressed as a half-finished parade float.

This was a curiosity too:

I really LIKE all those stripes. And her non-boring shoes. But the very tight awkward-length formal shorts are harshing my buzz. Jackie, however, seems to like questionable and snug shorts:

She also apparently likes Kat Von D and/or has an endorsement deal with them — for which she wore this very flappy suit — which… listen, I hear her makeup is good, but among other things, Kat an anti-vaxxer and I have trouble with that. It’s why I won’t watch Masked Singer. Can’t support Jenny McCarthy. Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, this was curious:

She also popped out in a wacko black hat, a very short slip dress (her hair is awesome there, even though she’s hard to recognize), and a jumpsuit that screams, “FASTER FASTER FASTER.” Oh, and this:

My notes read, “THAT BRA TOP DOES NOT FIT YOU JACKIE,” and it’s true. I think there’s a fair bit of air between it and her skin. Plus… it’s hideous.

Timothee parked himself here when he valet-parked everyone’s car at the Oscars:

He’s CLEAN, and he’s GROOMED, but he also looks like he’s about to palm your keys instead of hanging them up and then take your Ferrari out for a spin.

And now, it’s The Eggshell Matador, coming soon to a theater near you… and by “soon” I mean 2023 at the earliest.

Honestly, I don’t understand what’s going on with his top here. OR his too-short pants. It’s like SWINTON meets Harry Styles, and if they’re gonna meet, I’d rather it actually did happen between the two of them.

Sigh. Look, whatever, it’s not that he can’t pull off looking like a 2020 Artful Dodger, but the other three look WAY better for this photocall. Kristen Stewart, another contender today, would love that outfit, though, and I DEFINITELY think she’d want to borrow this:

After he’s finished painting his living room, of course. She probably wouldn’t even make him wash it first.

Archives: Jackie, Timmeeee

 

(7) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (10) KRISTEN STEWART

Let’s begin with an outfit I had completely forgotten — K.Stew at, arguably, her most J.Lo:

We don’t usually get QUITE so much full boob from Kristen, so it was a surprise indeed when I rediscovered this. There was a yelp.

And this is just Chanel diapers, right? Yeah. Kristen very much loves hot pants these days. These aren’t quite as short — though the shirt is sheer — but these are pretty micro:

Chanel is an odd pairing for her. I assume the brand wanted to edge itself out, which makes her a good choice for THEM, but I don’t know if it works reciprocally very well. Kristen is very adept with her makeup choices, and can serve slouchy, sloppy punk attitude well, but it doesn’t necessarily gel with when the brand sends her tweed evening gowns. Of which she got two. She also deployed this:

At the time, I thought it was a decent clash of the two aesthetics, but I am not supremely into the gown and it has soured a little over time for me. How about we switch to the stuff she seems to gravitate to as much as possible when the occasion ISN’T Cannes:

A backward hat and a shoelace as a belt? Is this what it’s come to, Kristen? Well, I mean, NOW it might have come to that, but 8 months ago we weren’t there. Surely.

And that just looks awfully Bieber to me. But, KStew gonna KStew. Is it enough? To find out, let’s turn to the star of Enough:

If only J.Lo had known this was made out of all the metaphorical ribbons Hustlers would NOT go on to win. It’s a mess. Her other big yellow dress, which I called Drab Urine Sheet in my notes, kept it much simpler but… my notes say it all. It’s drab. This absolutely was not:

And some of you liked it! For me, it was a welcome swing but very overwhelming. Even perhaps silly on her. But J.Lo is never afraid of such things – and often, she does carry them off. She wore this hairy Ralph & Russo, which I don’t actually think I like on its own merits, but it looks good on HER because she is J.Lo. She stepped out in a white ruffly Solace London outfit that is droopy and wore feathered elbow or wrist cuffs not just once, but twice, the latter with a sheer skirt to boot. And did you know about this?

It wasn’t her only amusing hat of the year, although I’d argue her beret was more successful and winsome.

Now, this next outfit appears — by link, or by me embedding it in full; I can’t remember — in today’s Bjork Bracket clashes, once on Celine Dion who wore it straight-up; and once on Naomi Campbell, who wore it with the matching cropped trousers and a very dramatic wig. J.Lo has accessorized it with these insane glasses:

And finally, for now, I bring you a bad denim ensemble with a chilling close-up of her feet jammed into plastic shoes:

CALL AN ORTHOPEDIST.

Archives: Jenny from the Block, Kristen

 

(6) KAITLYN DEVER vs. (11) SAOIRSE RONAN

Kaitlyn is new to this, and landed here thanks to her big year promoting Booksmart (which you should definitely see, if you haven’t already). Lest you think she is an actual high-schooler, she is NOT; she merely played one on-screen, and is 23 in real life. PLENTY old enough to have run screaming in the other direction from this:

Kaitlyn also displayed a real propensity for visible bras. This one is only LIGHTLY visible, though it does come with a gaudy Chanel belt that spells out — wait for it, you’ll be so shocked — CHANEL. This one is sparkly but still very much bra-forward. Though not as much as THIS one:

And THIS is just a full on long-line bra being worn as a shirt:

It doesn’t HAVE to be an actual bra; she’s pretty much on board with any midriff shirt:

The pants are killing me, too. They look like someone crumpled them up in their hands and then stayed there for an hour, then released them into her closet.

Another thing Kaitlyn loves: nylons-as-socks, as evidenced by this neon pair with Pilgrim shoes, and these:

I am eager for that trend to leave us and never return.

Finally, I’m not saying I like where that shirt was ever going, but FOR SURE I think everyone gave up on it when they paired it with those jeans.

ANd now, another young phenom! Saoirse Ronan is a pleasure to watch in movies, and seems like a delight in person, but her major fashion moments are often SUCH head-scratchers for me. To wit:

That face! But, THAT TABLECLOTH.

That face! But, THAT BEDSPREAD.

That face! But that COLOR PALETTE.

That face! But that COMPLETE VISUAL NAP. (This was made with discarded satin, which is great, but… could it instead have been made CUTE with discarded satin? I suspect yes.)

I think you all know what got Saoirse this seed, though. She was the winner of Fug Nation’s Worst-Dressed poll for the Oscars, and here’s why:

That dress had a lot of decisions made about it along the way, and only about two of them were good, or even made in consultation with each other. She also pulled out some frumpy stuff, some fashion jammies, this blah old thing, and… well, that’s about it, but she’s certainly made her case.

Archives: Kaitlyn, Saoirse

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