Fug Madness 2020: Enter the OTHER Hadid, and a Hough

First! Did you miss our editable bracket? This link will open it! Next: The photos we show aren’t the ONLY ones in consideration; just a representative sample of everything worn from after the Oscars in 2019, through Feb. 10, 2020. Polls close after roughly 24 hours. Vote on any device, as often as you want to or can. 

To jump to the polls:

(1) Bella Hadid vs. (16) FKA Twigs · (4) Julianne Hough vs. (13) Chrissy Teigen · (5) Ellie Goulding vs. (12) Lucy Boynton · (8) Priyanka Chopra vs. (9) Ciara

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(1) BELLA HADID vs. (16) FKA TWIGS

She is Formerly Known As Twigs, and now currently obviously known as Madam Pythoness von Plush, brothel owner and sorceress and general randy soul who suffers no fools:

Unfortunately, she herself was dressed like one at this particular event, where it looks for all the world like she tried to hook her robe to her body so that she did not slip it right off forever:

Burberry is really headed into the toilet, yes? Look what it sent her to wear to a show:

I just… really? Can we reset and just do an entire show of trenchcoats, y’all?

This outfit, I actually rather like on her…

… until we arrive at her socks.

And y’all, I don’t even know how to prepare you for this. Had I known before last night that this existed, we might have made different choices. But I didn’t. It is… something. It is this:

She is dressed like a Covent Garden pickpocket by way of Vivienne Westwood or Anna Sui, and I cannot honestly tell if this is a sincere tribute to Diana or the kind of ironic trendy thing that would make Elton John cry tears of betrayal.

Bella Hadid has no time for such tomfoolery. By which I mean, “fabric.”

These halter bibs were ALL the rage with her this year, for reasons that I can only conclude had to do with them being free:

Speaking of free, Bella’s abs were for much of the year as well.

Which, okay, but a top connected by safety pins is so depressing. But at least it covers her boobs. I can’t tell if this does:

If I am understanding this photo correctly, Bella wore this TO TRAVEL SOMEWHERE. It COULD be underboob, or it could be the top tucking under her boobs, but either way, I wish America hadn’t stopped wearing real pants to so many places. This outfit is my personal NIGHTMARE to wear on a plane.

This was for the Met Gala afterparty, and MAYBE it’s an homage to… Ed Hardy? I don’t know.

But I don’t like it. The shoes that look like your feet have been laced up through the skin are so Jame Gumb to me.

That is allegedly Dior. It LOOKS like Yeezy for Dior.

There is so much perplexing denim in Fug Madness this year, y’all. So. Much.

Archives: Bella, Twigs

(4) JULIANNE HOUGH vs. (13) CHRISSY TEIGEN

Jules, Jules, Jules. JULES.

That ensemble honestly makes me speechless. It is something that a person made, and which another person put on, and those two things happening feels like a double lightning strike. You just… can’t fathom it.

I THINK they have antibiotics for whatever that is. Not to be confused with the pest control measures she will need for her closets:

When I originally posted this, it was to plotz over her bonkers bronzer and makeup:

But I must know: Is this her bra and underwear under a lace dress, or a lace dress that’s merely designed to LOOK like you are seeing her undercrackers? And which is worse? I’ll tell you one thing: One might be worse, but neither is better.

And, never forget:

You’re sitting BEHIND A TABLE on that show, Julianne! Sheesh. Sweatpants are clearly the play.

All right, Chrissy, what’cha got?

Gorgeous color, but that dress went messy on her in a hurry.

And that’s… fine… but it’s a LOT for Baby2Baby — or it feels that way; that’s a LOT of train — and it seems calculated for the utmost threat of crotch exposure. Chrissy also had a day or two when she let the paps catch her waltzing around New York with Luna, which gave us this perplexing ensemble:

It comes with its own bungee cord, in case you really want to accidentally get hooked to something in the street and then have it turn deadly. And:

That is a dust ruffle with a skirt. Luna, too, seems skeptical.

You’re selling it, Chrissy, but… come closer… THEY’RE BIKE SHORTS. Let us not pretend otherwise.

Archives: Julianne, Chrissy

(5) ELLIE GOULDING vs. (12) LUCY BOYNTON

So, here, I need to confess something to you. It’s a long story, but on Wednesday AND Thursday, I looked at an old draft of the seedings and messed up and wrote a couple wrong matchups — which I noticed before I published, when I added the cutouts, because those were correct. And one that I wrongly wrote was Julianne Hough vs. Ellie Goulding, and as I was doing it, I was sending messages to Jessica like, “Holy CATS, what were we smoking, this is like Elite Eight level competition.” Turns out it was only I who was hallucinating. Now, if they each win, they meet in Round 2, which is still going to be insane. But maybe Lucy (or Chrissy) can play spoiler. Shall we see what Ms. Boynton has to say about it?

Lucy Boynton likes a lot of fuss in her clothes. And twee-ness. Both those things are her ultimate jam. That is extremely twee. It is soaked in twee. Soaked In Twee could be her autobiography’s eventual title, assuming she doesn’t go with So Much STUFF Everywhere. Check this out:

That is a lot of STUFF, or more specifically colored lace, happening.

So much STUFF. She looks like a gift bag.

LOTS OF TWEE STUFF.

And of course, there is this stuff: Her chosen lashes.

Lucy is an absolutely stunning person. LOOK at her eyes. Her face. But half the time when she’s out and about, she’s got spiders flapping all over her face and often imposing eye-makeup around it. I would LOVE for her to simplify before she wakes up one day and finds SOME PIG has been spin across one of her peepers.

Ellie is a very different dresser.

But still no less confusing of one.

This feels like a valiant attempt to distract through jewelry:

It didn’t work, Ellie. Sorry. Also, I don’t think this is the proper use of HEPA filters:

My notes about this one simply said, “SHRIEK,” and it’s earned:

And here, please enjoy Ellie with her new husband, Early Hugh Grant, and some cold-shoulder cocktail pajamas:

There’s quite a bit more from her, like this which I mistakenly called “a bad jumpshit” in my notes, an EXTREMELY strange stretchy shirt, and something of which I wrote, “Sweetie, even your wings don’t help.”

Archives: Ellie, Lucy

 

(8) PRIYANKA CHOPRA vs. (9) CIARA

Welcome to 2020, a year in which shirts are becoming an increasingly abstract concept:

Ciara can chip in on this one also:

Also in 2020, the world continues to cleave to The Sheers with an iron grip:

Priyanka will not be left out of this discussion:

I actually made a strangled noise when I saw that one. I believe that’s a pubis sighting.

And yes, both these contenders have dabbled in more see-through things than just these. Here is Ciara at the CFDAs:

And here is Priyanka, trying to trick you with a tweed suit…

… in the hopes that you might not notice her ankle raincoats. Psst: We noticed. And we imagined the leg and foot sweat. And it was pooling, Priyanka. IT WAS POOLING.

Otherwise, these two had pretty divergent years. Ciara opted for her usual massive trains hooked to very small things:

In that case, the tube top, and in this case… well, also the top:

She also went all-in on megashoulders:

And on… becoming a motor racer sponsored by Tron?

Also, this suit sure has a lot of extra fabric. And of course, there’s a gown at the ESPYs that involves cutouts, because that always happens. Oh, and a huge hip bow. It’s all extremely Ciara of her, which, hey, it’s gotten her this far in her career, and only ever so far in Fug Madness, so maybe she’s doing it right.

Priyanka popped by the Grammys in possibly the worst caftan ever:

Honestly, so much of her clothing does her no justice. She’s STUNNING. So what is she doing in that, and what is she doing in this:

I don’t like that it’s cut to make her left side look like it’s sliding southward.

And here is something I jotted down as “banal bridesmaid:”

Everything about it seems dated. This is also kooksville:

She is the jazziest, pizzazziest lady in the retirement village.

Sadly, I couldn’t buy or embed this image, but please click and view it without me telling you what she’s wearing, just to see if you yelp. It’s safe for work, I promise, although what the hell, aren’t we all working from home now? Yell freely at it, at least.

Archives: Priyanka, Ciara