Fug Madness 2016, Round Two: Madonna Bracket, Part Two

This bracket had another 50-50 tie, percentage-wise, with a vote-count margin almost identical to that of Mara vs. Bosworth. By a mere 47 votes, Beyonce squeezed past Rose McGowan’s mesh pants, for the right to take on decisive victor Chloe Grace Moretz (bye bye, J. Moore). Nobody REALLY thought Swifty could take out J.Lo… and indeed, she did not. La Lopez’s easy victory sets the table for her to feast on another musician: Ellie Goulding, who beat back Swift rival Katy Perry, 55 percent to 45 percent.

Portmanteaux: Chloyonce, Jellie

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Chloe Grace Moretz vs. Beyonce · Jennifer Lopez vs. Ellie Goulding

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No. 4. CHLOE GRACE MORETZ vs. No. 5 BEYONCE

We’ve used this picture plenty, but I never tire of it.

I even thought about a cropped version that just showcases the shirt, but I couldn’t do it. Because the full monty is just such an INSANE DELIGHT, and the necktie ends up crossing in the back and attaching to the blouse, which… it’s a web of hell.

I’m beginning to wonder if Chloe tries to draw strength in numbers. Perhaps she is hoping group shots will mask the fug:

Unfortunately for her, NOTHING will mask that. I will be seeing it behind my eyelids at night forevermore, while a puppy softly screams.

This outfit is busier than we were last year.

Real talk: I WOULD buy a weekender or a nice handbag with that lining, but as a dress — at the China-themed Met Gala, even — it’s not cutting it.

She DOES Love those shoes. And she’s right; they’re cute. I don’t know about the ruffled tongue unfurling over her chest here, though. It’s not terrible, but it’s ALSO busy, and I think maybe CGM and “busy” are not friendly bedfellows.

Let’s not beat around the bush. Or the beysh, as it were.

That is obviously the cornerstone of her campaign this year. I almost wanted to post ONLY that outfit, just to see if it was enough without any supporting visuals. But Fug Madness is SERIOUS BUSINESS Y’ALL and Beyonce did not parade around town in these other outfits so that we’d totally ignore them. And so:

Lousy casualwear: check.

Unfortunate fit: check.

Shorts So Tiny That She Refused to Move The Purse From Her Crotch The Entire Time She Walked From Her Car, Which Seems Problematic, Unless She — Because She Likes Headlines Of Any Stripe — Was Hoping To Spark Pregnancy Speculation By Hiding Her Abdomen: check.

The Queen of Tragiquestan: check.

Archives: Chloe Grace Moretz, Beyonce

No. 1 JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. No. 9 ELLIE GOULDING

Okay. We’ve seen two of their signature looks ad nauseum from the front, so I’m going to bring you the other side. First up, the “tails” side of Ellie’s coin:

Her shoulder has its own ponytail. And Jennifer’s dress, you likely recall, looked like this from the front…

And from the back, it’s like a cat scratched a hammock.

Let’s see how else they stack up head-to-head.

Sudden bra? J.Lo’s got that covered too:

This is going to be one long battle of the Sheers, y’all. It’s hard to avoid. Look:

And then this:

Oh, but Ellie isn’t done:

Neither, though, is Jennifer:

 

Ellie’s got a lace-up pirate wench thing going on here:

And this, I think, is open everywhere Ellie’s is closed:

I wonder if this was supposed to be a shirt.

Perhaps Jennifer can loan her some fabric:

We’re nearing the end of our journey here. Ellie first would like to remind you that you knew her growing up when she was Pebbles Flintstone:

Jennifer would like to remind you of her rump:

I’m not sure what is worse here: The dress with its sleeves that ate her hands, or the SHOES she’s got on with it.

Then again:

That’s a tough act to follow.

Archives: Jennifer Lopez, Ellie Goulding