“HOLA LOVERS. Yes, you are right: The holidays have come early. So sit down at my table and let me serve you my stuffing, my pies, my cranberry sauce, pudding, my spiced whipped cream, my vegan free-range gluten-free grass-fed napkins that Goopeth Paltrow sent me and Ben Ackfleck for our non-wedding which I never sent back because it is a sign of weakness and I wanted her to think we ate preservatives all over them… ah, memories. So get ready, lovers. The feast is on. It is Lopezgiving and the thanks are from me to you, for all the thanks you give every day for me because of all the giving that I do to you.”

[Photos: Getty]