Well. The Battle of the Kates ended at 50-50, percentage wise, though one of them did have an edge of 45 votes. And so it is that Kate Mara moves one step closer to a face-off against her sister. Standing in her way: A hella-mighty Jaime King, who made quick and easy work of Elizabeth Olsen. Malin Akerman continues to lurk about the fringes of Fug Madness, once again departing early, this time at the hands of Rooney Mara’s 76 percent of the vote. She gets Emily Ratajkowski, who edged out this year’s unusually disheveled Amber Valletta with a two-thirds majority.
My portmanteaux: Roonily and Jaimara.
Y’all, I found a new Emily Ratajanky outfit that we somehow missed the first time (or else we ran it, I forgot about it, and we didn’t file it properly for me to find it again — that happens too). You saw it in the little graphic up top, but please look at it larger. BEHOLD.
THAT IS THE STUFF OF WHICH SHITSTORMS ARE MADE. It’s like… Balmain on the top, Vanessa Hudgens on the bottom. I honestly can’t decide which one is fuglier, that or the below:
Truly that is a monstrous garment. And her sheers didn’t stop there.
Oh, y’ know, just casually shlepping around town in her undercrackers and a lace cover-up. No big.
You may think that, with a bodysuit this bad on top, a scrolldown fug wouldn’t be possible.
YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Her lower half is ensconced in the worst of 1983.
And I don’t even know why this outfit exists. Kate Mara is wearing a top AWFULLY similar in the below matchup — I wonder if it’s the same? It’s terrible on them both.
So, that’s much of Emily’s oeuvre, although obviously her entire year in fug is eligible, so please freely peruse it at the end via the archive link next to the poll. Now let’s move onto Rooney, who I think has Blanchett aspirations on a Ratajkowski taste budget.
I hope she at least FELT pretty in this, you know? There has to be something redeeming about her having worn it. This is a classic example of me trying to imagine what this looked like on her stylist’s rack, and why they pulled it off and went, “YES, this is IT, this is THE ONE.”
I call this Sad Colonel Sanders Fan Learns He’s Long Dead.
I call this simply, “Nope.”
And look! ANOTHER white lacy sheer:
Girlfriend has got a bad habit. It’s like the Breton stripe obsession, except less aesthetically delightful. I mean, we cannot forget all the drab McQueens she wore. Three, in total: The Globes nightie, the see-through marching band uniform (her team: The Fighting Thighrish), and the one where she wore a spool of thread in her hair. All from the same line, I think, and all a weird combo of fluttery and depressing. But I had forgotten about this one:
I am not convinced the outer layer isn’t made of those rough brown paper towels they sell in bulk to schools.
I am not entirely convinced THAT isn’t on backward, and/or is homemade.
And I’m not entirely convinced this should exist.
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- Rooney Mara (45%, 2,949 Votes)
- Emily Ratajkowski (55%, 3,580 Votes)
Total Voters: 6,527
So, this is either the same as Emily’s, or a knockoff, right?
I wish I’d had a shot of the whole thing; alas, we have to make educated guesses. Regardless, it’s downright cruel to her chest, albeit heinous enough that it’s perfect for radio. Just not the kind of radio that comes with photographers.
I have NO IDEA if that’s a dress or a romper.
And I have no idea if that’s a skirt, a dress, or a rendering accident. SURELY it’s not anyone’s actual finished idea of a garment.
This happened. It’s SO BAD. We’re getting sideboob on BOTH SIDES OF EACH BOOB.
And then this:
Dior made the top; nobody, as far as I can tell, took credit — or blame — for the labia shorts. But it might be the last time Dior trusts her with any of its separates. The guy walking out behind her looks like he accidentally made direct eye contact with that Medusa of a pair of shorts and has been traumatized for life.
That will be tough to beat, but I have confidence in Jaime King. Why? Well:
She wore that in winter, to the Yeezy show at Madison Square Garden. Perhaps somebody lied and told her it was a Knicks game, and she decided to dress as the hoop.
This is maternity wear as I’ve never seen it before:
And someone is going to have to explain to me what this is, because I honestly do not know.
Is it… a sweatshirt, and pants, and a… towel? Is it a jumpsuit with regrets? Is it a skirt with many pieces to it? Is there going to be a puppet show in a minute and we’re just waiting for curtain time?
JAIME KING. You churn butter with that hemline? WHAT WILL PA SAY???
Looking at that, I wonder if it’s from the same line as Hailee Steinfeld’s Jingle Ball Thingy. If it is NOT, then that’s a mind meld that hopefully will not happen again.
And let us not forget the Monse. Oh, so much Monse. There was the sheer umpire’s gown, which was only NOT see-through because she bought some other company’s slip and threw it underneath. And the massive-legged jumpsuit:
And the floral toilet seat:
And the… well, I’ll let it speak for itself, in part because WORDS.
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- Jaime King (71%, 4,551 Votes)
- Kate Mara (29%, 1,861 Votes)
Total Voters: 6,410