“Hey guys,”

“I’m Katie Holmes. I’m wearing a cute dress, semi-horrifying shoes, and an invisible cape of intense desperation, subliminally pleading with you, the Youth of America to a) go see my new movie, Katie Holmes Pretends To Care About Her Career and b) to PLEASE CARE ABOUT MY CAREER AGAIN. I swear, I used to be a PERSON, not The Lady Married To Tom Cruise. Really! Find an old person on the street and ask them about Dawson’s Creek! SOMEONE BOUGHT ME A WALL ONCE.”