I realized in the course of writing this that I have never seen a movie featuring Greta Gerwig in any capacity:
Literally, not a one (not even the Whit Stillman movie, and I love Whit Stillman. Sorry, Whit). So right now, I have nothing to grab hold of with her. She is, to me, one of those people about whom Vogue will wax poetic while I think to myself, “am I supposed to know who this is?” Now, in her case, that’s not really fair: she’s been in plenty of movies, I just haven’t seen them, and her face doesn’t really stick in my head. There are many, many people featured in Vogue for whom the answer to, “am I supposed to know who this is?” is and always will be “unless your job involves doing the seating chart for a variety of New York-area functions, no.” Like, I know I am getting off track here, but how is it possible that Vogue still really thinks I should be kept apprised of what their favorite socialite-dermatologist is wearing? They are always yapping about, like, two very specific lady dermatologists and I am SURE those women are well-dressed and I wish them the best, but unless they are curing my skin diseases or fixing my wrinkles, I really don’t care. And if Vogue is going to focus on The Well-Dressed Dermatologists of the World, I bet you $100 there’s a woman in Boston who can prescribe Retin-A and is wearing some amazing shoes today. Like, there is a world beyond the island of Manhattan, Vogue. Anyway. Yet another reason why I let my sub to Vogue lapse. Between having a laser-sharp focus of about five miles and the constant articles about How to Fix that part of my body I had literally never noticed before, it was time for us to break up.
All of which is to say: Greta, I am sorry. I wish I could say something like, “this looks like a kinda depressing bridesmaid’s dress, but she was great in Lola Versus, which I always want to call Lola Versus the Volcano,” but I can not. And so I have to just say that this bridesmaid’s dress is depressing me, but I look forward to seeing you in something…eventually? Let’s plan on it.