Something about this bodice — seriousky makes it look like a frowning insect with very long droopy feelers.

I swear I’m not on any medicine. Stare at it for a while and you’ll see. Pretty soon you will feel its bitterness. It just seems angry at me. Look, Crabby Insect Gown, it’s not MY fault Scarlett has a fantastic body and is doing absolutely NOTHING for it by wearing you. She didn’t ask me. And I don’t even know if YOU are, empirically, the problem. I think it’s just that her ex-husband is cavorting around with Boobs Legsly being “captured” by paparazzi in completely random places where you know the paparazzi do not go unless someone with a schedule has called them, and thus I kind of want her to throw that in his face by strolling around at her prescribed appearances looking drop-dead fab. And the path to that, I’m sorry to say, is not through YOU, Cranky Bug Bodice. At least not today.

[Photo: Getty]