Royals Round-Up, August 22, 2014

Have you been wondering what the royals of the world are up to? Let me tell you: NOTHING. Well, that’s not totally accurate. They’re all on vacation and none of them are leaving the house, so we are free to IMAGINE what they are doing, and obviously I have done so. In my mind, Wills and Kate have taken George to Balmoral (this part is actually true, I believe) where he has destroyed nearly every one of the Queen’s priceless Faberge eggs in his unsteady reign of toddler terror, and where Kate is despairing of ever getting to catch up on her backlog of Tatler. Charles and Camilla are knee-deep in a lengthy, summer-long gin rummy tournament, the loser of which is forced to refer to the winner as My Supreme Kissyface, in public, for the rest of the year. Anne has the groundskeeper tied up in a shed and is “questioning” him vigorously. Harry stayed home and is currently trying to figure out how to get a really shocking amount of Pimm’s out of his grandmother’s rug. In Spain, Letizia and Felipe are currently arm-wrestling (the winner gets Majorca), and over in Monaco, Sven is trying to figure out how to smuggle Charlene out of the country before the baby comes, while Charlene is researching poisons…just in case. Maxima is learning how to construct her own crazy hats, and Crown Princess Mary…hey, I have pictures of Crown Princess Mary! We KNOW what CPM was up to. THANK YOU, CROWN PRINCESS MARY. Because it’s so boring this week, I’ve thrown together The Greatest Hits Of Royals Outings This Summer. Hats! Abs! David Beckham! Wills in a scuba suit! Goats! Children! Ceremony! EDWINA! (Don’t ask me what I’m going to do next week. I’ll worry about that next week.)

NOTE: Some of these photos might pop up weirdly sized for you — that’s because of our new slideshow functionality. It will be fixed!

Elsewhere:

Harry obviously used the time when his grandmother and father are out of town to go to a beer festival. (The Mirror)
This is a VERY JUICY piece in the Daily Beast about the ESCANDALO in the Spanish Royal Family. Former King Juan Carlos allegedly had over 1,500 lovers!!!!!!!! Also: “One source says that it was the intensely media-savvy Queen Letizia (in 2000 she was the winner of the Madrid Press Association’s Larra Award for most accomplished journalist under 30) who demanded the King’s abdication as the only way to spike the guns of republicans who are eagerly awaiting Urdangarín’s trial later this year and fully intend to use it to bring down the monarchy.’Doña Letizia lost it and said, ‘If you don’t do something, I am divorcing,” says the source.”
Princess Margaret would have been 84 this week, and the Court Jeweller takes a look back at her grandest and most famous tiara.
Princess Beatrice had a hospital visit this week (no photos on the wires, just from her Twitter); Royalista has the account. She seems to be stepping up her outings; her coat is very cute.
This is not really an article BUT I think it’s something that some of you might like. I gave this William Or Harry? card to Heather for her birthday this past week, and I suspect it’s relevant to your interests if you are reading this. (They also have a variety of cute Kate, and Kate and Wills cards you might need. I just want you to be happy!)
On the subject of birthdays, apparently, Kate is allegedly inviting ALL of Harry’s exes to the party she and Wills are throwing for his 30th. I hope she’s going to force them to compete in feats of strength. (The Mirror)
Tatler has a slideshow of Royals PDA that I suspect you will also enjoy. Wills and Kate’s are all, like, SECRET SNAPS AT POLO from ages ago. Sigh. those were the days. LEAVE THE HOUSE YOU GUYS.
Speaking of leaving the house, The Daily Mail (I Know) has full details of the solo trip Kate is taking to Malta at the end of September. She has 10 events in two days. She and I will both need to eat our Wheaties for that. (Our Weetabix?)