This dress is fine. Actually, it’s pretty, and pretty inoffensive. But that’s part of the problem. Dakota Johnson is a darling of Gucci and has countless other designers available besides, and yet somehow, I’m not sure she’s ever swung the needle all the way into Awesometown. Hideous? Yes. Just fine? Absolutely. Unremarkable? For sure. But never as mind-blowing as these movies (erroneously) want us to believe the love scenes are. Sometimes it’s the gowns themselves, and other times, it’s the hair. Whenever I start to wonder if Meghan Markle’s buns are not polished enough, I am going to come back to this photo and check myself, because somehow Dakota’s updos always look like she did them in the limo on the way over and also that she maybe forgot to dry shampoo her bangs after the gym. In sum: It’s nice but understyled in the extreme. Dakota, girl, you may not be happy you’re IN these movies, but you can at least celebrate that you’re DONE WITH THEM. Let’s see some pizzazz.

Rita Ora tried to provide it:

'Fifty Shades Freed' film premiere, Arrivals, Paris, France - 06 Feb 2018

There are problem here, like the length of the pants — those hems are going to be brown with grime in about two minutes — and yet I am deeply appreciative that she carpe’d this diem and went dramatic. Just as an experiment, I want Rita Ora to start styling Dakota Johnson. Give her two months at the helm of that ship and let’s see what she does, and whether it has any lasting effects. Could Celebrity Kamikaze Makeover be her franchise?

On a very somber note, actress Arielle Kebbel — she co-stars in this one; you’ve almost certainly seen her in something — was not at the event, presumably because her sister Julia went missing last week and I’m sure she could not IMAGINE turning it on for the cameras under those circumstances. It’s a very sad and frightening thing; the LAPD has asked for help and Arielle has posted information on her Instagram account. Here’s hoping they get the answers they need and the outcome they want. Hug your people, everyone.

[Photos: Pierre Villard/SIPA/REX/Shutterstock]