Insert the usual about how Cameron Diaz’s legs are impressive, yes, and we too would be tempted to show them off to all comers at every turn, etc. Seriously, we all got the memo. At this point I feel like I was strapped down while someone forcibly tattooed it onto my arm.

And formal shorts are one thing, but a romper? I’m sure she calls it a Summer Jumpsuit, but I call it Stuff That’s Only Cute Before You’re Old Enough To Vote, And EVEN THEN The Jury Is Out. I respect that she is not wearing a genital-flashing skirt, but basically, I feel like this is just sort of a crotch-saver. It’s, “If I could wear a skirt this short, I would, but I can’t without inadvertently offering the world free parking in my g-spot, so I’ll just go ahead and make it shorts and VOILA, my problem is solved.” Except it’s not, because then you’re in a ROMPER. Which anagrams to RE-PROM. And do that many people want to relive those days? I think not.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have wee Elle Fanning, who is thirteen.

If you are going to wear a romper in Hollywood, this is probably the age at which to do it. Because you’re wee, and we just want to hug you and beg you not to go out for drinks with anyone on a Disney show until you are at least twenty-four, and explain the importance of maintaining your brain cells. And, you know, you’re still ROMPING, in that very innocent way that doesn’t involve birth control or a mother’s tears. I do wish Elle had not chosen some kind of pantaloon-bloomer-romper — a ROMPALOON, mayhap — and the competing florals are making me dizzy. She looks kind of like a pirate’s daughter who runs the shipboard florist. But that’s a whole separate issue. The point is, get rompaloonacy out of your system now, kid, so you won’t ever be tempted to do it again. I mean:

Even Jason Segel appears to be thinking, “Wow, her crotch seam goes up to eleven.”