NICKI: Hey, Kutch.

ASHTON: Hello, my child.


ASHTON: That’s what Jesus would say, right? I’m going full Christ these days.


ASHTON: Because I am the Savior. Or at least that’s what CBS is calling me.

NICKI: Aren’t you too famous to be, like, Backup Sheen?

ASHTON: I think of it as Sheen being Warmup Kutcher. I mean, I’m married to Demi Moore. We have a giant house. It has two and a half dens.

NICKI: Uh-huh.

ASHTON: Do you want my autograph? I have two and a half pens.

NICKI: I see what you’re doing.

ASHTON: I can go all night, baby. I’ve got mad brain energy. I did two and a half cleanses.

NICKI: All right.I bet you can’t. So. Tell me what you think of my shirt.

ASHTON: It’s making my mind do two and a half bends.

NICKI: And my pants?

ASHTON: Like you have two and a half rear ends. In the best way. It’s giving me two and a half yens, baby.

NICKI: Damn, you’re good. Okay, you win. How much do I owe you?

ASHTON: 25 bucks.


ASHTON: Two and a half tens.

NICKI: Of course. Double damn.