A lot of global loins are depressed today to know that Johnny Depp has turned 50, and if that’s true — and apparently it is — then the virtues of math mean that you, [insert your name here], are actually [insert decidedly non-virtuous math here]. But let’s journey back in time, through the dreamy days when he was every girl’s Trapper-Keeper husband (you know, “Mrs. Johnny Depp” scrawled there in pink paint-pen), and then his spiral into what every teen girl knows him as now: A quirky but talented actor and hobo-lite who in many ways is the soulmate of Debra Messing’s scarf-a-holic from Smash. Happy half-century, sir.

[Photos: Getty, Fanpop]