We need to talk about what Dan Humphrey is doing to his hair.

I say “Dan Humphrey,” because I am wondering if it’s a character choice — like, now that we’ve been told Dan is North America’s most throbbing new writing talent, maybe he’s growing out his hair because he’s going to embark on a really pretentious artsy phase, and he has no friends left to tell him that he looks like a cross between John Mayer and Even Stevens.

This dispiriting, delinquent shrubbery is the second-most mystifying thing on Gossip Girl this season, the first being the fact that they found and hired a bunch of French actors with real French accents that inexplicably sound faker than Ed Westwick’s insistence on speaking only inside his own throat (you are not Kiefer, Mr. Bass, and this is not 24. PROJECT).

Actually, wait, there was one thing more perplexing, or at least equally furrow-inducing:


What the hell is this dress they have on Serena? For one thing, she looks like an Orange Julius that got impregnated by a block of ice, and for another…

We KNOW, from lots of experience, that Boobs’ boobs do not take kindly to this sort of behavior. They’re being tamped down and pasted to her torso like a kindergarten art project. Even her hair looks sort of dry and stringy. Is there munity afoot aboard the S.S. Legsly?

Oh, and ANOTHER thing:


Since when does Blair Waldorf dress like she’s skating her short program to Aladdin’s “A Whole New World”? On the plus side, this photograph pleases me — it looks like the end card on a deliciously retro sitcom’s credits, like Growing Pains or Family Ties, except clearly a show about a family that hires an angry French au pair who’s being forced to live in America because of a debilitating addiction to old Love Boat reruns. It’s like The Nanny, except with less foghorn. I would watch. Well, once, anyway.