I wanted to get this up sooner, but I am too wooed by the allure of clearer Hulu-generated screen grabs, which means I can’t even START working on it until the next day (I refuse to watch it twice) and that it therefore also takes a backseat to things like Buying Food, or Being Cast As ‘Person Who Gives Luke His Helmet’ In The Beans’ Umpteenth Re-Enactment Of The X-Wing Battle In Star Wars. But here it is, and in the middle of the night, to boot. Fug Nation Overseas, this is my present to you.
For a second, I thought someone went out and found a new Fauxry, because this shot — albeit still not great — makes Matthew Hicks look 100 percent more like the apocryphal “Henry, Prince of Wales,” that he is pretending to be. He should frown ALL THE TIME, because in every other shot the strands of pure goober in his DNA show through.
As you may not recall, Kimberly “won” last week and treated that like such an achievement of deep spiritual import that it actually made my heart hurt for her. The morning after, some random footman pops into Kimberly’s Crown Suite at the crack of dawn and tells her, “Sir has a very special surprise for you,” because look, Sir’s passions wait for no butler, and Kingsley Shackledolt needs his beauty sleep, mmmkay? Kimberly bubbles, “I’m really excited to be going on a date with a guy that COULD BE // Prince Harry,” so basically, “I’m really excited to be going on a date with a guy that could be from England I guess but is totally not Prince Harry.” Sniiip.
The car pulls up, and Kimberly freaks out at the sight of a hot-air balloon, which she says is “like a unicorn to me.” In what sense? She thought they were mystical? Also, I can’t figure out why she was so surprised. The house IS RIGHT THERE. She could have seen that thing out the window and been like, “Oh, a unicorn, cool.” Maybe she lives on the other side of the house, but let’s not try and puncture my sense of superiority here with your unicorn horn of logic.
England: The star of the show. Fauxry jokes that he’ll have to pick a nicer spot next time, and Kimberly rolls with it, cracking, “Yes, a bigger, hotter air balloon.” It makes me like her. FINE. I ADMIT IT. I LIKE HER. But she is the SADDEST CLOWN ALIVE, in the sense that she seems very sweet and yet apparently has had a horrible romantic history — seriously, every other thing out of her mouth is that she’s never had a guy do anything nice for her. Here, poor Kimberly mentions that a guy has never gone out of his way like this for her before, and I’m sincerely wondering if she realizes that he did not blow up the balloon himself, and that in fact he just sitting in his room looking at their casting binders and drooling and learning to tie his shoes while the producers go out of their way for her. Maybe she IS talking about the producers. Maybe she’s actually professing her love and appreciation here for Executive Producer Steve Carell. YES, STEVE CARELL IS CREDITED ON THIS SHOW, PER IMDb, AND YES, IT’S THAT STEVE CARELL, AND GOOD SIR, WHY ARE YOU FINANCING THIS. I HOPE IT’S A WRITE-OFF.
When they land, they go off for a picnic, and yes, Kimberly notes that she’s never had a guy pick out a pretty little spot like this just for her. “And she STILL hasn’t,” sniffs the location manager while submitting an Etsy bill for reimbursement.
Fauxry asks about her past dating experience. He has asked everyone this. I envision his notes in his room saying, LIST OF THINGS TO ASK GIRLS: 1. Dating experience? 2. Are you up for It? 3. Do you know what ‘It’ means? 4) Good. Can you show me how to do It? He then inexplicably says she has her guard up, possibly because she’s not sitting on top of his pelvis yet, even though the rest of the shots are all the two of them laughing together in a way that secretly makes me hope she really wants a man who has never owned a mode of transportation before, because Fauxry here is going to need the love of a good woman to get him through the aftermath of this acrid stankfest.
And then the two of them chat near a tree about how, yes, she’s never dated a guy who dressed like this. Even Fauxry is kind of like, “In what? PANTS?” Who are the people she has been dating? Are they mole-people? Hobbits? Is she basically dating the Jersey Shore stereotype of a guy who only wears shower shoes and shorts and sometimes socks, and a reverse ball cap, and calls himself a meatball like it’s a good thing? I half expect her next one to be, “I’ve never had a guy talk to me without taking a lock of my hair and rubbing it on his groin,” or, “I’ve never had a guy not try and murder me in my sleep.” The companion piece to this show ought to be I Wanna Shrink To Make Me Think.
Speaking of meatballs:
I wish she would date Hart of Dixie’s Meatball. I also would rather watch an hour of him scrubbing a fake dog’s giant mouth with a massive Milk Bone, although that’s less a commentary on I Wanna Marry Harry than it is a commentary on how much I love Hart of Dixie’s Meatball. My fondest wish for that show’s next and possibly final season is that they introduce a new character named after food. We have Lemon, then Meatball, and then Chicken Truitt, and Cricket(t), depending on your particular snack fetish. How about Biscuit Persimmon, or Mustard Crawley? (That’s Matthew Crawley’s distant relative from America who will, in Season 8 of Downton Abbey, cross over and try to commit suicide in Mary’s vagina.)
There is a fake paparazzo lurking, and the PPOs show him out while Fauxry stands there tapping a tree with his fingers as if this is no big deal — he doesn’t shield her, he doesn’t turn around, he’s just like, “Hmm, indeed, it’s a photographer.” SELL IT, YOU LUNKHEAD. The real Prince Harry would be all swashbuckle and Adrenalin Tongue.
Kimberly says, in a bite that feels extremely tossed together, that she wouldn’t be surprised if he IS the real Prince Harry now. And then says, “I’m gonna be the scandalous girl in the woods with // Prince Harry,” a.k.a., “I’m gonna be the scandalous girl in the woods with some guy who wears ACTUAL CLOTHES and also by the way has anyone seen the real Prince Harry around because this is not Prince Harry.”
The show is very proud of its fake tabloid, including a photo of a couple from the ’70s who is probably the parents of the production manager, or something. I would not read this magazine. Well, I might want to know who that freaky shopaholic is, but I can do that in the checkout line without having to pay two pounds for something that clearly only has repurposed bits from other magazines in it. And I am not going to etner to win your “A HOLIDAY OF LIFE TIME” because If I wanted a holiday of Lifetime I’d just stay at home and turn on the TV and call it Wednesday.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch:
We flash back to Jacqueline confronting Meghan and Anna Lisa about being mean girls, which reminds us all that Jacqueline applies her makeup with the subtlety of a bull at the Moulin Rouge. She tells Anna Lisa that she shouldn’t have said any of those things about how judgmental they are, and then basically proceeds to say them again, to both Anna Lisa and Meghan — because Meghan, of course, is outside listening with Rose:
And when Jacqueline finishes telling Anna Lisa that her reel beef is with Meghan, she marches outside and Meghan is just standing there with a grin on her face. BUSTED. Meghan is good television, and boy does she know it. She saliently notes that when Jacqueline acts like an ass, then yes, she will judge her. Jacqueline tells us that she thinks Prince Harry would be disappointed by catty behavior — the real Harry is like, “Are you kidding? I’m just sad the catfights do not come with nudity and pillows and lots of bouncing — and then tells Meghan that she makes her uncomfortable. Meghan says, “That’s just you; you can’t be mad at me for that.” And Jacqueline responds, “I was never mad at you. My behavior is just that I don’t like you.” She is doing an amazing job of burying the hatchet inside her own leg. Meghan agrees.
She then reaches for I Was Going To Use This On The Bachelor But They Didn’t Call Me and reads out, “No offense, Columbus, but you were all over the map last night. You can’t navigate anything…. and I feel like this conversation is going the same way.” This leaves Jacqueline somewhat speechless, and she flails in an interview that, well, she’ll just play nice in the house and keep her enemies close. I am not sure Jacqueline’s nice-playing is even on the same board as anyone else. They’ve got Chutes and Ladders and she’s on Candyland.
The girls are all sitting around having breakfast when Kimberly returns, unescorted, from her date with Sir. She tells them about the paparazzo, joking that she is “the American skank with Sir,” which makes me laugh and want to have her over for a few beers. The story about the paparazzo seems to convince some people that this probably is Prince Harry, to the point where even Ms. Careful herself, Meghan, gets on-camera and says, “Now I’m feeling that this guy could be Prince Harry,” and I swear, if they didn’t steal that bite from an interview from her very first day, then some money was passed under the table. My notes for that bit actually read, “MEGHAN. STOP IT.”
Then Maggie gets in on the game:
She says that people only have paparazzi photographers chasing after them if people know who they are. OR IF YOU ARE ON A FOX REALITY SHOW WHERE THERE ARE PRODUCERS DOING THINGS THAT ARE MADE UP HOW NAIVE ARE YOU PEOPLE ANYWAY. Then she says, “Am I a complete idiot, or am I dating Prince Harry?” I CHOOSE DOOR NUMBER ONE.
And now it’s time for our weekly visit with The Girl Who Is Totally Going Home, which in this case is Carley. I totally mixed her up with Karina last week — CARLEY is the biologist, and is gorgeous to boot, and accordingly totally needs to get the F out of here and go be a total catch somewhere else. She interviews that she doesn’t care for cattiness and things, and I suspect this is where the producers realized they were getting NO material from her and so perhaps Sir could please cut the blonde who is not generating story and is also so far out of his league that he isn’t even invited to the game.
Then Kingsley Shackledolt wakes up from his cryogenic slumber and tells the Woo Girls that Sir would like to talk to some of the girls he hasn’t spoken to yet, so Kelley, Maggie, and Jacqueline — the latter of whom he has totally spoken to before — are going to go boating with Sir.
Fauxry tells us that these are girls he doesn’t feel he can send home without trying to get to know them — instead of thinking, “Well, if there are girls I don’t CARE about getting to know, then I should send THEM home, AHEM, ANNA LISA.”
Kelley is actually moved to tears when she sees the lake, because it reminds her of The Notebook. I feel like the producers must have asked these girls their favorite movies and then handpicked them for dates that would make them fall in love with this schmo. Just wait until she gets to the part of the Notebook date where she [SPOILERS] and then they [SPOILER] together. Weirdly, Kelley and Jacqueline strip down and jump in the water while they’re waiting for Sir, so that when Sir arrives, they are dripping; and the third, Maggie, probably figured out that she was sufficiently wet from the vodka in her morning orange juice.
This date seems designed to trip up Fauxry, because he does not actually know how to row, and repeatedly crashes them into trees. I wish Kimberly were here; she’s never dated anyone who crashed her into trees. Fauxry frets that his ineptitude at rowing will give him away, because “I’m not sure how good at rowing Harry is.” Dude, they apparently don’t even know about Harry’s FACE; they are NEVER going to know about his water-sport skills. And fortunately for Fauxry, Maggie gives a coy interview about how it’s refreshing to see he’s not good at everything. What are the other things she thinks he’s good at? Having a pulse? Even that is debatable.
AND THEN. The women get him to admit that he has a brother who’s settled down and had a child “fairly recently.” And when they ask him what the age difference is between them, Fauxry responds, ‘Three and a half years.” Can I get a judge’s ruling on whether this is correct?
Oh, sorry, Actual Harry. Anyone else? Is Fauxry correct?
Thank you, Prince. Harry and Wills are in fact two years and about three months apart. NOT three and half years. Which I knew because I am That Person and also we’re writing a book based on them. ALSO, I am a person WITH FINGERS and so I USED THEM TO TYPE IT INTO GOOGLE. It is one of the few moments where I would WELCOME a record-scratch in a TV show, because it’s totally a story moment: He screws up! What if they notice! He’s wobbling! He’s in a muddle! He gets away with it! And yet the show COMPLETELY ignores it, because why? I bet nobody noticed, because nobody fact-checks ANYTHING ON THIS STUPID SHOW BECAUSE OF THE LAZY. However, Kelley, of course, says, “Prince Charming is Prince Harry and I KNOW IT.” When she’s on camera saying “Prince Harry,” she’s kind of side-eyeing it, but her other behavior does seem to indicate an EXTREME willingness to believe the fiction.
Next, Fauxry takes Southern Belle Kelley out alone for some romantic Notebook time, presumably because the producers have told him that it will give her the vapors.
She can’t believe she is reliving The Notebook with Prince Harry. AGAIN WITH THE NOTEBOOK.
You will be SHOCKED to know that Fauxry asks about her dating history, as if he’s been told to eliminate people based on their number of sexual partners. Kelley says she goes on a lot of dates but has never been in love, and that her dream man is Prince Harry. Fauxry interviews that he’s pretty sure Kelly is a hundred percent on board this vessel and that it scares him because he doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. Don’t worry, Fauxry. They’re going to be JUST FINE when they go on The Talk or whatever.
And then the best thing happens:
Nutbelle decides to perform a back flip off the side of the canoe, and — despite his REPEATED warnings — whacks her head on the side of the boat. He limply dives in after her, but she’s fine, of course, maybe a little dingy at first, but how would anyone be able to tell? Fauxry seems totally frightened of her at this point and tells the camera that he can’t tell if it’s “a good or a bad thing” that she will go to any lengths to impress him, but of course she raves that him diving in to rescue her and not let her possibly die in a random British pond is super romantic.
The trio downloads all this to the other Woo Girls, and Chelsea just kind of sighs to her interviewer that “the Prince Harry talk continues” and that she isn’t too fussed because she just wants to date a dude who’s fun. I keep thinking she is Nicole Beharie from Sleepy Hollow. They look a lot alike. Ichabod Crane would TOTALLY set her right and also probably be a very good time. Meghan, sitting there with total serial-killer brightness in her face — it’s very To Die For — notes for us that she’s not getting much Sir time and now Sir is bonding with all these other yahoos, so she’d better step up her game. Spoiler: This will involve a bikini.
Kingsley pops up to say that Sir wants them to let their hair down at what he calls “a POOL. PARTY.” The girls flip their shit as if they haven’t been hanging out by the pool a lot already. The only difference here are some parasols and a bunch of flowers floating in the water that would make it very unpleasant to wade in there.
And RIGHT as I was going to make a joke about Maggie immediately introducing herself to the bartenders, Maggie walks over to them and says, “I always like to make friends with the bartenders.” I can read that woman like a book, and I think that book may have been written by Danielle Steel.
Then Fauxry turns up dressed as Harry from the infamous Las Vegas trip, and dribbles, “Hopefully I will have as much fun as he did in Vegas.”
Fauxry notes that all these girls are way out of his league, also, and so he’s in Heaven, and he’s hopeful that a relaxing pool party will help the girls show their true colors, and by “true colors” he means “jumblies.”
I would like to point out that if you have a suaveness-impaired reality show “dream guy,” do not make him do the limbo.
Although, “How Low Can You Go?” is conceptually a very appropriate slogan for this enterprise.
Meghan points out — to the group, by the way — that her chest is so enormous that she has to try and hold it down to get under the limbo bar.
Kingsley has on his party bowler, and claps along appreciatively to all the wriggling. It is here that I want you to see the sheer length of actor Paul Leonard’s resume, and know that I suspect we need to hold a funeral soon for a very sizable part of his soul.
Fauxry announces that he’s going to bring a girl to the hot tub, as the Tinkling Music of Genuine Human Connection strikes up in the background. Naturally, Fauxry chooses Meghan, because there is NO WAY that girl was going to be denied for one more episode.
This shot is cheated as Jacqueline’s reaction. She was sitting up in the previous shot and in the one following it, but for now, appears to be sniffing for truffles.
Meghan spends the entire time in the hot tob looking at Fauxry thusly, and you will be stunned STUNNED that he observes that she has a “twinkle” in her eyes and a very naughty smile. His tongue unrolls and flaps out like a red carpet as he asks how she feels about a kiss on a first date, and so they do it, and it’s like watching two goldfish smoosh up against each other. “Not a bad kisser, either,” Fauxry says to her, starry, totally horny, very probably sceptreing out in his swim trunks. And she of course points out that it’s just one of her “many skills,” and he practically falls over in the hot tub because he’s in it WITH A LADY. Ugh, you people are all the worst. She then skips out to the other Woo Girls and tells them they made out, but without tongue. The hilarious thing here is that of the 10 girls left, eight of them don’t seem to care that anyone else is nailing him and in fact they all seem to be encouraging each other about this whole thing, which tells you exactly how into it they are not.
And then Sir gets jiggy wit’ it.
I blame Carley, in the pink, for that — she was goaded into getting up to DJ, even though she’s boring and doesn’t want to do anything. THEN, Chelsea decides to teach everyone to TWERK and they all start TWERKING and there are tight camera shots of them TWERKING and I really want that word to go away. I want to take TWERK and WELP and PWN (from the good old days) and wrap them up in a blanket and then throw them off a very high cliff. I am going to spare you the shots of Chelsea’s crotch, but I will not spare you this:
Kingsley’s response is, “Jolly good! Shouldn’t be legal.” Shit. I just fell in love with Kingsley Shackledolt again. Our relationship has been an extreme roller-coaster.
Rose pops up to tell us that, “If it is in fact Prince Harry” — an emphasis she is careful to add, because of course — “then I can’t believe I’m twerking with the Prince of Wales.”
NEITHER CAN THE ACTUAL PRINCE OF WALES, DEAR.
Carley doesn’t want to twerk, and her reason for this is that she has an eight-year old niece and she doesn’t want her to see anything about twerking. That is… you are okay with her seeing you competing for the hand of some random dude on a show you thought was called Dream Date? Where is your line, Carley? Meghan thinks this is boring and makes all those boo-hiss comments in her interview; Meghan, for what it’s worth, was also busting out of her bikini top so hard that she had underboob. So take her advice with a grain of salt and then also maybe a shot of tequila.
Kelley, meanwhile, essentially presents herself to Fauxry like a horny baboon offering to mate. I basically took one look at this dance party at the pool and then wrote in my notes, “I am SO GLAD I’m not in my twenties.”
Maggie is also glad she’s not in her twenties. Wait, never mind. Also, she gets blurred and bleeped ALL THE TIME, and it delights me. She looks like someone shoved a flesh-toned apple in her mouth. ALSO, she is the second person to wear a mangy piece of fake fur, so does this mean she makes as far as a Game of Thrones themed episode?
Sir invites Karina — The Other Tall Blonde — into the hot tub, even though he has ALSO had private time with HER in another episode. Somebody is doing a bad job managing this. That, or he asked six other girls and they were like,”Nah, we’re good.”
Fauxry asks Karina if she’s bothered by the mystery, and Karina says not at all; she understands his need to get to know people on his own terms, because she dated a famous soccer player for a year and he always had his photo taken, but she never really thought of him as anything but a guy she loved. She then says to Fauxry, “So far, I like you for you.” It’s nice that she left open the door for that to change tomorrow — like, “Okay, that was true yesterday, but now today I like you for your fat piles of cash.” Also, she first says a soccer player “from here” and then later says he was European, so either she doesn’t know where she is, or doesn’t know where that guy was from — but, if he was British, and they were together that long, it’s even MORE preposterous that she would think for a SECOND that this guy is Harry or even Harry-genepool-adjacent.
However, this is good:
Sir tries to make a move for a kiss, by touching her arm and pulling her toward him, and she TOTALLY gives Sir the cheek. BURN.
Maggie is tired of listening to Meghan talk about kissing Fauxry, and Sad Bikinis that Meghan kissed the boy she likes. (Kelley is all, “Whatever, it’s fine with me, she was herself and he liked it.” Ten seconds ago she was weeping for him in a boat by the lake, and now she’s cool with him making out with other people? Is this her concussion talking?) Meghan snarks in a bite that she doesn’t think Harry would approve of someone who gets “piss-ass wasted” all the time, and… girl, I’m pretty sure that’s actually fairly high on Harry’s list of Things That Are Totally Fine With Me When It Comes To Bedding A Lady.
At dinner, the girls start discussing just HOW adjacent to the family Sir might be, and someone points out that Camilla has children, so maybe when he said “brother” he meant “stepbrother.” They like this theory that Fauxry is actually a Parker-Bowles, but I hate to break it to them: THIS WOULD NOT EXPLAIN WHY HE LOOKS LIKE HARRY. THERE IS NO GENETIC LINK THERE. Also, Maggie HAD NO IDEA CHARLES HAD REMARRIED. No wonder this didn’t immediately all implode. All of these people are out of their minds. Which may account for why Meghan’s next suggestion is that for all they know, Sir could be “the Pauly D” of England. Yes, she invoked Jersey Shore. I’m sure she’s just trying to suggest that perhaps he’s a “celebrity” and not an actual celeb, but:
Yes. Completely analogous. A PLUS PLUS, Ralphie.
And now it’s time for Kingsley Shackledolt Breaks It Down.
In the end, after an obligatory mention of Chelsea for Reasons, Fauxry decides that the sensible thing to do is ignore Meghan because we all know she’s not going anywhere for a while, and winnow out one of the tall blondes so that the viewing audience doesn’t have to work very hard, and also, one of them was boring and totally CLEARLY had no interest in being there. Indeed, he says, she was “stunning and intelligent but not giving me much,” and that has to mean he knew he was never scoring with her.
Goodbye, Carley. Go do your science in slightly longer pants.
Karina is thrilled that he picked her, because she really thought he was going to send her home. And when he goes in for another test smooch to celebrate…
She cheeks him AGAIN. TWICE.
Poor Fauxry. I can only assume at this rate that he’ll end up finding true love with Kingsley and then being shocked SHOCKED to learn that he is not a real butler.