Well, here it is, AT LONG LAST, the final episode of I Wanna Marry Harry, which should have been called, Let’s Be Honest, I Am Mostly Just Bang-Starved. There are some surprises, there is some attempted treachery, there is tongue, there are tears, there is the hasty addition of a prize, and there is a robbery. Of us. By the show. It ties us to the train tracks, extorts some rent money out of us, then doesn’t cut us loose in time to avoid death by pulverization.
So, here are Sir’s final three options. The cold open gives us a lengthy set-up that essentially amounts to: Kelley is nuttier than a bag of almonds, Kimberly thinks Kelley is the loosest screw in the chair, and Karina may or may not be afraid Kelley would shank her in her sleep in order to gain a competitive advantage (although it’s worth nothing that the vibe I get is, Fauxry still would pick an expired Karina over a breathing Kelley).
There is also a new twist that nobody but Kingsley Shackledolt knows: If Sir’s Lady of Truest Like chooses him even though he has lied, they will each win $125,000. This is consolation money for when the lady goes back home, stops long enough to THINK about what she has done, and then grows terrified that she will never live it down, ever, among anyone she knows.
Aw, but isn’t impossible to say no to this puppy-dog of a face?
Matt would prefer that the world not come at him with pitchforks, so he puts on his Truth Hat and reminds us that he’s just a normal person who, in his words, “cleans up oil spills for a living.” The show thoughtfully parses that into a fancy resume line-item for him:
The problem for him being, if he showed up to consult with anyone, they’d take one look at him and be like, “Your judgment is moldy.”
As is Kelley’s, because she’s wearing a one-sleeved shirt that looks like her sky has fallen all over her.
This is metaphorically apt. But Kelley apparently is not so oblivious that she’s UNAWARE that Sir’s tongue has voluntarily gone places on other bodies that it has not willingly been on hers, but claims it would kill her to lose to these two girls who she’s decided are hung up on their exes. “I don’t care what it takes,” she says. “I will show him whatever it is that he needs to see [about] WHY he should pick me.” I would have given this show a GOLD STAR if this had translated into her walking into their date buck naked and wearing a crown hastily fashioned from cocktail napkins and stirrers.
Kelley does at least finally get her helicopter ride, but only because everyone else gets it as well. Sir — or, the producers, so… ProduSir — has ordered them to London for one final solo date each, and it’s another excuse to ooh and ahh over an aerial of London:
I wish we were there right now. All of us. Fug Nation, as a unit, indivisible. We would TEAR IT UP and then glue it back together and then rip it a new way. Whatever that means. Most likely: Lots of pubs and snacks and museums and theatre and cocktail hours.
Kelley wonders dreamily what Kate Middleton is up to that day.
Karina notes that Kelley seems very intense in her royal-family fandom, which is correct, if by “true” you mean “deluded.” If she had ever seen Prince Harry before she would know full well that the yobbo in question is just a fool with a bad tint. Kelley says something about how all Harry’s friends are in “the business,” or something, I think? And then they ALL make jokes about how maybe if he doesn’t pick them, Sir will say, “You won’t have me, but I’ll give you two of my friends.” Karina, for sure, follows that up with an “I’m kidding” or somesuch, and Kelley was totally laughing and joking along with them, but then here she comes with her Psycho Mouth: “I can’t tolerate the words that I’ve heard,” she tells us, and then reiterates AGAIN that they’re obsessed with their exes (which doesn’t even have to do with the topic at hand) and adds, “So Prince Harry is the SECOND man of your dreams and you’re going to take him away from ME?” Which might be a problem if she ever had him, but unfortunately, she forgot to drug his wine.
The editors love flashing back to this profile of Kelley In A Face Mask watching Karina pull her boyfriend’s trading card out of her wallet. This helps us visualize what it will look like when she haunts St. Paul’s Cathedral and drags a variety of lesser royals into the catacombs, until Princess Anne catches her and gives her a mighty wallop with a truncheon.
Kelley goes first, because Sir would like to get her out of the way, so the show drops off Karina and Kimberly at a bar.
It is a mark of how seriously they do NOT take Kelley that the two of them are TOTALLY relaxed while Sir tends to that bit of homework. It’s also a mark of good casting that they are happy to hang out with each other and have a cocktail. The fact that there is only ONE hyper-competitive something-o-path in this entire endeavor is a miracle.
Sir takes Kelley to lunch in The Gherkin, an erection the likes of which Fauxry cannot compete.
You can feel the enthusiasm radiating from Fauxry’s pores:
He’s just so excited that he has to endure all this dribbly yearning from someone who only gives him tingles of the “spine” variety.
When she arrives, he does give her a timid kiss, and she tells us she’d like to explore THAT more, as if her tongue hadn’t already forcibly excavated his mouth once already. She swoons at the way he pours a Champagne bottle, and he talks about how he doesn’t spend so much time in London because of all their country getaways, like in Scotland and Windsor. I don’t know that I’d classify Windsor Castle as a “country getaway” given that it’s a large fortress smack in the middle of a thriving town, although I guess TECHNICALLY there is country in the vicinity AROUND the town and it is not nearly as urban as London, but you know. Sandringham might’ve been the play there, Fauxry. He probably would’ve called them “Blahmoral” and “Sandyham” though.
This is Fauxry’s face as he tells us he finds Kelly to be “polite and genuine,” as if he’s searching and searching for adjectives that are both true and kind, and cannot locate anymore beyond “breathing” and “made of skin.”
As the symbolically overcast skies roil behind them, Kelley launches into Tattletale Mode. She tells Fauxry about the jokes the girls were making in the car about ending up with his friends, “which I wasn’t agreeing with,” and I think that is perhaps an exaggeration considering she was certainly giggling with them about it. Kelley finds it simply impossible to play fair — it’s fascinating to me. She’s so desperate about the fact that she has no competitive edge here that she’s trying to win by default, and the fact that she’d be satisfied with that is the saddest thing in the world. She’s like a character on Passions.
And then Fauxry does something kind of awesome — I have to say, for as much of a dolt as he comes across, he has handled the cattiness pretty well, and here’s one instance of when:
Kelley asks if Sir has looked inside Karina’s wallet, and he immediately replies, “Should you be telling me what’s inside Karina’s wallet?” Chagrined, Kelley is like, “Noooooo,” and he says, “Probably not.” And looks totally unimpressed. In a bite that might be genuine but which FEELS like perhaps he’s already armed with the information, Fauxry tells us that whatever is in there — even if it’s, say, a picture of an ex, HMM — is not his business until Karina makes it so.
In scene, he says it’s not cool for Kelley to tell him things the other girls wouldn’t want her to tell him, and I think she knows right then and there that she’s totally blown it. Her sweet veneer counts for nothing when at the end of the day she’d rather cheat to win, than have someone like her for herself. Seriously, this IS the personality of like every third prong of every love triangle on any daytime drama. She tells him that she thinks he should be asking more questions than he is, and: “I just wish I could be the girl that you need, and want in your life to be, like, Prince Harry to the fullest.”
And how big is that?
Next up, a date Fauxry actually wants to go on: a London Eye excursion with Karina.
“Whatever it takes to be his girlfriend, I am IN,” she says. They see genuinely stoked to see each other. If they were dogs, they’d be jumping and licking each other. When Kelley watches this show, she’s going to be like, “Ohhhhh, yeah, I never had a shot.”
Granted, they were in a pod, so how many camera angles ARE there, but: This shot is deliciously scenic. Fauxry remembers Kelley’s words and worries that Karina could break his heart, so he asks her about her ex. She says they broke up eight months ago, and it’s been hard, because they’d talked about marriage and kids, but that she sees now that it never would have worked and is completely over him. I sort of feel like… I mean, they totally had prolonged sessions of ex-sex that complicated the hell out of that breakup, right?
Karina then asks Sir if he’s ever been heartbroken, and Sir responds that he was once: “It was for the best, but it didn’t feel that way at the time,” he tells her, before sharing with us that this is a real story from his own past. He’s baring his soul, you guys. Unless he is talking about that one time he had his own bike, and then he didn’t and had to borrow one, but it was fine because bike locks are such a pain anyway and who wants to bother and owning stuff is real hard.
Then there is a LOT of making out, during which Karina tells us she can’t seem to stop kissing him whenever they’re alone together, and he says, “She’s completely got me.” And THEN Karina shares with us that things with her ex definitely had felt unsettled, but since she met Sir, she hasn’t thought about him or wanted to talk to him. She seems genuinely delighted by this turn of events, and really hopeful.
And so then Fauxry has to walk off the hormones and go on his final date, with Kimberly.
“I’m apparently at Tower Bridge,” Kimberly says, noting that while she has seen New York, she has not seen this. Well. That is logical, as there is no Tower Bridge in New York.
Fauxry says, in the middle of some wickedly Smurfy blue lighting, that he feels a buzz the likes of which even Gargamel cannot douse.
I can’t tell if said buzz is from chemistry, or because he’s had Champagne now at all three of his dates, and he forgot to supplement with a nice greasy burrito. The two of them coyly say that they really like each other, like, like-like (it comes off that awkwardly), and Kimberly shyly says she knows that he has a connection with some of the other girls — so, Karina. He responds, “You need to realize that I really, really like you, more than you think I do.” He then writes her a note in chem class and asks her to circle her yes/no answers.
Fauxry says, “When Kim looks at me, it feels like she’s looking into my soul. She’s got those doeful [sic] eyes that really cut deep and say something.” What they MIGHT be saying is that “doeful” is not really a word. Unless he said “doleful,” which… maybe I should give him more credit. She certainly does LOOK sad sometimes. I don’t know if he should admit he’s Hot For Sad.
Kim repeats a bit that she’s held back because of fear of heartbreak, and such, but that he gives her a giddy feeling. And Fauxry tells us that — essentially — having to work for it makes him want it even more, and as they make out along the dark blue glow of Tower Bridge at night, he says that her kisses do not feel like things she gives out lightly and that he’s honored by the genuine intimacy. Well, hang on, I should just let him say it, because it’s super eloquent: “Our intimate moments feel really, really intimate.”
And now, an incredibly brief Breaking It Down With Kingsley Shackledolt that is SO quick because come on does anyone NOT know who’s getting the axe at this point?
The ladies, meanwhile, are waiting by the fire to find out which one of them will get burned (the answer: all of them, ultimately).
Karina asks what Kelley would do to “get him,” and this lights Kelley’s slavish dynamite. “Anything,” she says. “His character is so phenomenal.” She then waxes rhapsodic that Sir is the ultimate gentleman, yet still taken up a thousand notches to untold perfection — a bastion, nay a beacon, of everything manhood should be.
Kimberly seems rather alarmed listening to all this:
And Karina says, “She’s crazy. It’s terrifying thinking someone you’re so close to would do anything for a guy and ruin your chances because she really is crazy.” Kelley tells us that she thinks these two are just drunk on all the things he’s done for them rather than the man himself, and I suppose it’s fair she might think that considering that he has not done ANYTHING for her that’s remotely as nice as what they got. So, basically, this is how Kelley convinced herself that it was all to her advantage: because it didn’t cloud her judgment. Nice one, girl.
So, Kelley gets taken to the Gazebo of Doom, and before Fauxry even launches into his spiel, she leans forward as far as she can and tells him that he is the ultimate man. He kindly tells her that she is an inspiration to him. “You’re inspirational to ME,” she drools. He replies, uncomfortably, “Honestly, don’t say that. I’m nothing compared to what you’ve done,” and it’s sort of nice that he’s uneasy that a cancer survivor is brushing aside that accomplishment for ANYONE, much less a Fauxry. She blubbers that he’s served his town and his country, which… is amazing. His town! He has served his WHOLE VILLAGE, y’all.
There is more push-pull. Kelley begins: “I have big shoes to fill compared to you.” “You don’t.” “I do.” “Not at all.” Fauxry can’t deal with this and has a lot of work he has to get to, serving his town and things. So he quickly gets to the point and says he has to go by his gut instinct, which is that he wants to bone the other two and that has a deep bone allergy to her.
“I did not see that coming,” Kelley says.
Seriously, if Kelley did not see that coming, then she needs to fire her retinas.
Fauxry tells us, at long last, that he thought she’d been overstepping a LOT with all her tattling and playing games trying to sway him on the others; I wonder if we are only hearing this NOW because the show was trying to pretend for as long as possible that she still had a chance. And Kelley is quietly enraged in her interview, because she can’t believe she isn’t what he’s looking for, or whatever, and then she’s out. And nowhere do we get to see the one thing we all wanted: Kelley’s reaction to the deception. NOWHERE. I am enraged. What they SHOULD have done was told every eliminated girl right after she got cut, then saved the reactions and shown them to us in a glorious montage, no matter what they were. Instead, we get none of it. NONE OF IT. I can’t believe we don’t get to experience Kelley’s incredulity. And possibly, the dawning horror when she realizes she acted like a total teenage jerkwad in service of a lie. I don’t approve of this hideous deception, but if the point of your show is to execute it, then you’ve FAILED when you don’t deliver any reaction to it. If you’re going to be gross, go whole gross hog. Don’t half-ass your grossitude. Don’t falsely advertise it. STAND BY IT. At least have the courage of your gross convictions — or, give some of the women their dignity back, with a chance to say, “I KNEW IT,” or even, “I feel like an idiot and now I want to punch him in the nutbags.”
Sir pops in here to tell the ladies that he’s just given Kelley the heave and he can’t wait to give them a different kind of push later.
This face says, “Well, it’s fun to be part of this a bit longer, but he’s totally picking Karina.”
This face says, “I’m winning, and I’m just curious whether he did as much with you as he did with me.” No, seriously, Karina actually DOES say that she and Sir connected on so many levels, but “I’m just not sure how many levels he’s connecting on with Kimberly,” which is code for, “How many plates of bangers and mash did he eat with YOU,” which is code for SEX YURT.
And then something unspeakably awful happens:
THESE GOWNS. This show not only picks awful five-dollar nighties for them, but then makes them wear THE EXACT SAME ONE as each other, except in different colors. Hideous. And what is wrong with the proportions on Karina’s jacket? You wear that with jeans and a tank top, MAYBE, not over a ball gown.
Let’s take a closer look at what two women look like when they’re decked out as extras in a Paris, Texas, dinner-theater performance of The Great Gatsby.
I just can’t. I’m angry on behalf of accessories and sewing and fabric everywhere.
And Kingsley Shackledolt Gets His Moment In The Sun, to make his final plea to these ladies to stop the madness and come back to his place. He does not. Instead, he escorts the ladies to where Sir is waiting for them in a made-up Winter Wonderland that looks worse than your Prom did, no matter where your Prom was, or even if you (like me) didn’t actually have one:
Karina says, “What if I were Prince Harry’s girlfriend? Things like this would happen all the time.” What, you’d constantly be taken on date sponsored by Everything Synthetic? Possibly INCLUDING your companion? Yes.
Let’s look in on Polyester Love Night.
This is so low-budget and awkward. The three of them sit at this little wire table and then Fauxry takes a turn leading away each girl, while the other one sits around alone and lost and wishing Kingsley would at least bring out some Leg of Mutton.
First up: Kimberly whispers sweet nothings at Sir, and they talk about butterflies and Feelings and then tongue each other a little. He tells us that what caught his eye was that she was never up in his face — she was just herself, always having fun, looking like she could make the best time out of anything. Then he adds, “Every time I see her, I get excited.”
Oh, but don’t worry, Karina gets her moment with his oriface also. She tells him she’s falling for him, she’s grateful to have met him, and she’s ready for the next step. He says, “If I could say it as well as that, I’d say exactly the same back to you.” Well, you can’t. So. As THEY make out, he shares with us that he knows how impressed she’s been with the boat rides and the helicopter and all the trappings, and he’s worried what she’ll say when that’s all gone and it’s just him.
Morose Saxophone Solo.
And now: Decision 2014. First up: presumptive winner Karina.
Fauxry tells her that he thinks she’s one in a million, and that she stood out from the beginning, but that he’s going to have to ask her to leave the estate.
Karina’s reaction matches that of ME. My notes say, “What? She is peeeeeved.” And it’s true. Her face hardens and she starts to look very angry. He tries to say that he hopes she understands that she’s important to him, and then there’s this amazing thing where he reaches out to squeeze and stroke her leg, and she completely yanks it away from him. And as she gets up to leave, he basically forces her to hug him, which she does with one arm:
And he hangs on and then buries his nose her hair, because that’s completely what you do when you’re choosing to be with someone else:
Seriously, it’s like he’s committing all her smells to memory. And it’s amazing because it ALMOST feels like he’s hoping they will make out one more time, before she leaves, but THAT is not happening because LOOK:
It is here that my notes read, “He clearly wants to bang her.” Nothing against Kimberly, but his jones for Karina is SO OBVIOUS that I have to think it came down to, he didn’t believe she’d stick with him — didn’t trust that she was wooed by anything other than his status — and/or didn’t think she was over her ex. It’s the only explanation. Well, that, or the fact that he was MAD HOT FOR HER and yet somehow found her to be a terrible person, so he took her as far as he could stand. But methinks he was JUST into Kimberly enough that he was willing to cut Karina loose in favor of a person her figured would still let him feel her up once he told her the truth. Karina looks flat-out BETRAYED, though. It’s so dramatic. And yet again, we’re robbed of seeing her face when she’s told it wasn’t Prince Harry after all. Which is probably WAY better for their collective dignity, but COME ON. THAT’S YOUR HOOK. I can’t believe they didn’t build that into the finale better, at least. An hour of group therapy. Something. Karina sobs to the camera that it’s a horrible feeling, believing in a connection that obviously wasn’t there for him, and I feel for her. Except let’s all admit that he was probably her rebound guy, and in the end he’ll have cleared away the debris from her actual relationship and made room for a new one. Right? Right.
But, Fauxry clearly isn’t totally sure he did the right thing, once he watches her walk away from him in disgust.
In the weirdest way he actually looks like Prince Charles here. Sad Clown Prince Charles.
And then Fauxry shocks the hell out of Kim by choosing her over Karina.
He does seem to like Kim, though. (So do I, so yay, I guess?) He tells her he was just captivated by her being her.
She is thrilled and says that while she knows it took her a long time to open up, she now feels like she truly can. Fauxry says that he needs to open up to HER now, and says: “There’s one more thing you should know. I am not Prince Harry. My name is Matt Hicks, I’m an environmental consultant, and I’m not from any status, wealth, or title. Everything else you have seen is the real me, though. There’s just been some small… fabrications. Does it change anything for you?”
And I would like to say that Kimberly has a great reaction, that her jaw dropped, that she punched him, that she staggered around in a daze. But instead:
She tells him she likes him just the same, and he actually exhales and says — somewhat tellingly — “I’m so glad you’re the person I thought you were.” And then, because Kimberly is the best, she pulls away and goes, “But do you still have a British accent, though?” Because THAT’S the dealbreaker? I mean, I get it THEORETICALLY, but in this SPECIFIC instance, aren’t there a hundred others? Like possibly his personality? And his dye job? And the fact that he WILLINGLY signed on to do this and is now pretending it was just some teeny tiny inconvenient little itch of a fib, perpetrated for no good reason? SO MANY REASONS.
So, there is ZERO DRAMA to this damn reveal. It might as well be The Bachelor: Clearance Sale. Kimberly deserves a better show. Because not only did she gut-check his accent, but…
… when Kingsley shows up after Matt’s big reveal about his real self, she whispers, “And what do I call Kingsley now?” And Matt replies, “Kingsley.” Probably because he doesn’t know Kingsley’s real name, and also, Kingsley may have requested that nobody say it in camera in case it might get back to his IMDb page. Don’t worry, Kingsley. Your secret is safe with us, except for all the linking I just did. Because let’s face it: You have things to answer for, too, sir. Not least of which is Sir.
The two of them are stunned into silence when they find out about the money, and then there’s lots of smiling and making out while fireworks explode, because the producers somehow figured out a way to turn this into Wuv, Twoo Wuv. Kim says she can’t believe she got the ultimate fairytale ending just because she liked a guy for his true self, and that it’s hard to find real connections in this day and age: “If I won anything, I won that.” Yeah, well, you’d be better off with a decent WiFi, frankly.
Although maybe not, because she did also win this:
A ride on Kelley’s Tandem Bike of Aborted Romantic Dreams, at which everyone laughs, because we might as well get one more thing at Kelley’s expense — which, for Matt, represents the last thing on this trip that he’ll get on another person’s dime. And Matt hops on the bike with Kimberly… IN HIS FLIP FLOPS. And so “Matt Hicks, Not Really Prince Harry,” rides out of my life on the same wave of sartorial agony on which he rode into it. PUT ON REAL SHOES TO ESCORT THE LADY YOU LIED TO OFF THE FANCY PROPERTY. ALSO YOU MIGHT LOSE A TOE. Also you will probably lose the lady. Google tells me that as of July they were still dating, but in that way where they hadn’t been allowed to see each other for confidentiality reasons and also he’s in London and she’s in New York and maybe they’ll do a booty call at some point but whatever. Oh, Kimberly. She’s probably never dated a guy who pretended to be a prince and then carried her away on a tandem bike in cheap white shower shoes and then basically let distance kill things. Maybe the next reality show should be her dating a guy who pretends to be Prince.
You’re right, Your Highness. Bad idea. As was this whole enterprise. For all the gems of casting, it was a HOT MESS, and now we need an actual good reality show to pick up on the great contestants from shitty ones — a couple of these girls, Shando from The Quest — and give them one more shot at immortality.