First point of order: After episode two, the intro was re-recorded to remove “Harry, Prince of Wales,” and replace it with, “Prince Harry of Wales.” FOX is all about the deeply retroactive quality control, apparently.

Second point: Might as well tell you up front that next week, they are going to flat-out lie to these women that he IS Harry. I could see your show being MARGINALLY defensible — as a cruel psychology experiment — when you are planting simple seeds and watching them take root (or not), but this is twisting the knife. Actually, the whole thing is; trying to prove how stupid women are is the thesis either way, and I hope Fauxry AND Kingsley AND Danny Fenton get slapped silly.


Third point: When I watched this episode on Hulu, it was brought to me by the Texas tourism board. Texas: Because England Doesn’t Want Us Going There Anymore.

Fourth point: This episode was also brought to you by Photoshop.

Specifically, the producers plonked Fauxry’s face onto this polo picture of Wills and Harry, in the hopes that it would trick the Woo Girls — oh, sorry, use “gentle persuasion,” which is also the name of my forthcoming ’90s R&B album with Boys II Men — into believing they are related. But they did not just change the face. Here is the original:

They also added A LOT OF HAIR. In a totally different color, by the way, than what is on the head of either Harry OR Fauxry. I get that Harry’s hair is very clearly NOT Fauxry’s, but at least get your tinting right, or your ANYTHING. It’s ridiculous. Also, I wonder how this makes Harry feel, as he sits in his apartment, pointedly not looking at pictures of Cressida’s sideboob in her backless jumpsuit, knowing that this greasy claptrap has felt it necessary to doctor his hair to look FULLER.

How does that make you feel, Harry?

Sorry, wrong number.

Ah, hubris.

Ah, yes, of course, William — sorry.


Okay: To the show. This week, Sir can’t even be bothered to show up in person to invite Karina to breakfast, and nor can a footman. The show opts for an extremely graceful and professional invitation delivery system: door-crack-shoving.

Karina squats down to retrieve it and then tells us, in a very chopped-sounding interview bite, “I have // a theory that he might // be Prince Harry but // I’m not // positive. ” Translation: I have nothing else to do but play along with Sir which is excruciating, and one of the yokels downstairs developed a theory that he might have developed his social skills in a cave, which means he is still INCREDIBLY unlikely to be Prince Harry but whatever, what else am I going to do? I’m not able to go home and resume my life so I’m just trying to stay positive and not stab someone.” Sniiiip.

The two of them begin breakfast, and then Fauxry excuses himself to go to the lavatory and, let’s face it, probably does the wrong thing with his napkin. TEN POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF, KINGSLEY. While he’s gone, Karina notices the photo that’s been lovingly placed behind where his head was, and walks over and picks it up to examine it, and I swear to God, the look on her face is like, “Oh, you silly producers, you’re at it again.”

The thing is, it’s 2014. We are almost two decades into this reality TV thing, and so suspicion of the producers’ intentions and honesty is a time-honored chestnut. On the seasons of ANTM I worked on, anytime anything happened that a contestant didn’t like, it became a game of Blame It On Production (which used to drive us nuts because in our case it wasn’t actually true) and that was YEARS ago; other shows I’ve worked on also had people who made it their mission to try and outwit the show and control how they were seen and what they did (one diabolical asslord started singing songs he knew we couldn’t clear to sabotage footage, and/or discussed companies he knew weren’t sponsors). Given all that, if any of these ladies DIDN’T look at stuff like this clearly faked photo and the paparazzo and the security and stuff and think, “This could totally be a setup,” then… I can’t help them. She was sitting alone in a room with a camera operator and probably a guy with a boom mic just STARING AT HER, clearly waiting for her to do or see something. I get that there’s groupthink going on here, but COME ON. BLAME PRODUCTION. JUST THIS ONE TIME.

And Karina may do just that, internally; she bites her lip and snickers in a way that 100 percent suggests she thinks production is JUST ADORABLE, and then we get an interview bite: “Yeah, I knew it // he’s Prince Harry,” a.k.a., “Yeah, I knew it, Maggie totally got hammered and threw up in her luggage, which would be funny if he’s Prince Harry except he isn’t.” Sniiip. When Sir returns she asks Sir if the photo is of Sir and his brother, and Sir’s answer is yes, and that Sir likes to carry that around with Sir. Like it’s a talisman he tucks into his blazer pocket and then talks to whenever he’s having a crisis: “Are you there, Widdles? It’s me, Hankry. If they don’t actually blow on it then why is it called that?!?”

Maggie is a) waiting for someone to throw her a Guinness truffle; b) shocked about the photograph; or c) both.

Someone, I don’t recall who, delivers the bite, “I knew it. // I knew it was // Harry,” a.k.a. “I knew it. Kingsley is a total tomcat in the sack. I knew it was not possible that he was a real butler and also it’s not Prince Harry.” Sniiiip.

Karina says, nose scrunched, that he had really red hair in the photo, which to me reads like her next thought was, “HOW DUMB DO THEY THINK WE ARE?” The answer is pretty dumb, and also, that they might be right, because now all the girls are scared that they’re stupid for NOT immediately realizing it was him. And this is where the show takes a left turn from a terrible prank into a terrible rat’s nest of evil. We end the act with a shot of the house, over which there is wild audio: “I MADE OUT WITH PRINCE HARRY.” Which for all we know was, in full, someone screaming, “YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME THAT I MADE OUT WITH PRINCE HARRY.”

Kingsley meets the Woo Girls at the stables on a rainy day. I am reminded of the lone episode of Farmer Wants A Wife that I watched, in which the girls found out who was eliminated by donning arm-length gloves and reaching into the nethers of cows, and whichever lass did NOT have a pregnant Bessie had to go home. (This has yet to come up in commercials.) I have never wished harder for a repeat of that particular production decision. But instead, Sir chooses Chelsea and Maggie to join him on horseback, and the others have to muck out the stalls. Fauxry helpfully points out that because he isn’t royalty, he needs a girl who isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty and do the hard work. Translation: He hates doing dishes and cleaning the bathroom, so if you want to take a dip in his pool of weak sauce, then you best be at one with a Dobie sponge, because even weak sauce is hard to get off a plate if it’s been sitting out for three days. Good Lord, I do not even want to know what metaphor I am flirting with there.

Maggie and Chelsea look very cute in their riding gear. I don’t know why Maggie got chosen for this twice in a row. She went on the solo date last week, too, and didn’t yield any story THEN, either; I wonder if he’s itching to eliminate her but something else cropped up each time, like the need to pick off people who clearly see through their stupid ruse and won’t play along and would be huge impediments come next week when they go full-on douchewad with it. Also, it’s practically Reality 101 that if there are two people you KNOW aren’t going to win, then keep the boozy one with the loud mouth who will generate story.

Meghan is incapable of not looking like a pill in her shortie overalls. I love that Kimberly is wearing her panda hat — the weather on this day is insane; either they did a reshoot of the date later, or the sun really did come out strong in the middle of the date, because when they showed up it was drizzly and chilly. Anyway, I still want to hug Kimberly, who is probably thinking that she’s never dated a man who went so far out of his way as to give her a shovel and ask her to scoop manure.

And then out comes Fauxry:

Here, I would like to point out anew that Matthew Hicks made it a point of his contract that he got to keep the clothes. I hope he will be wearing this helmet the next time he borrows his friend’s bike. Maggie plotzes because she thinks he’s so adorable in his little riding outfit, and come on: ALL of these people must have felt like the BIGGEST steaming divots on the turf when they got back to the States and actually Googled Prince Harry and were like, “NOOOOO.”

Fauxry points out that Harry is well-known as an accomplished horseman, and he himself is not, so if he can’t behave proficiently on a mount then it might be “a slight hiccup in my ruse.” A Slight Hiccup In My Ruse is going to be the title of his autobiography someday, if it’s not first a comedy of manners nor a guide for overcoming erectile dysfunction. Perhaps it will be all three at once. Chelsea asks if he’s ever dated a black girl, and he says no, but that it’s not on purpose, and then notes that he’s only been in one or two relationships but “nothing’s really stuck.” Because I guess they didn’t give him access to Prince Harry’s Wikipedia page.

I know, Chelsy, it’s unfair. Your six years with Harry, wiped right off the ledger by a prat in a bonnet. You let it out.

Anna Lisa has a touch of the Crazy Eyes. She exuberantly explains that her hands were not intended for manual labor, but not so Ms. Southern Kelle(y):

She lifts wheelbarrows and shovels dung and heaves hay bales while everyone else pokes at the crud and whines about how this isn’t their idea of an exciting time. Kelley points out that Sir needs to know if they can keep the stables clean while he’s doing Official Horsey Things, which is, in fact, EXACTLY what Kate Middleton does all day. She’s CONSTANTLY changing the hay in Mr. Pickles’ stall, or whatever William’s mount is called. GOOD CALL, KELLEY. Meghan, who can’t NOT reference sex, shouts out that they didn’t even get to ride ANYTHING that day, har-har, and Kelley primly gets on her apple crate of superiority and tries not to fall off as she interviews that Harry wants to know who will break and who will shine, and dammit, she’s from the South, so she can relocate dung with the best of them. And then there’s a scene that’s constructed entirely of wild lines that they had to lay over non-speaking audio of the girls looking at things, in which Karina points out Kelley is the MVP and Kelley defines that as “most valuable pooper-scooper,” and someone tells Kelley she has poop on her boob. Poop On My Boob, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Someone I Don’t Know Just Because He Might Have Prince William’s Teeth. Coming soon to Amazon, where hopefully no one will buy it, because Amazon is being a jerk to authors right now.

Well, that is truly awful to behold.

So is this hat head:


We also need to discuss that Fauxry’s hair is a different color from week to week. I think that red tint is washing out way too fast and they can’t keep up with it. His solution should probably be to stop bathing.

One of the girls in the previous scene wondered — also in wild audio over a wide shot, naturally — if Maggie was too drunk to stay on her horse. Well, SCORE ONE FOR THE BOOZEHOUND, ladies, because Maggie is just fine.

These three people are having the world’s cheapest looking meal in front of a poorly stacked pile of hay in an unromantic and somewhat industrial-looking shed, with a tablecloth from a Laura Ashley scrap heap, JUST the way Prince Harry would do it. I’m sure he’s sitting at home right now wondering if Cressida sold out all his moves.

And that’s when things get contentious.

Maggie, in a totally jovial way, delightedly accepts some beer. It is not egregious at all and she is not leaking it out of her pores or swan-diving into a vat of it or hooking up the keg to an IV. It’s standard small-talk. But when she says, “I would love some beer,” Chelsea laughs and says, “WE KNOW,” in a slightly under-her-breath, meant-for-Sir kind of way. Maggie sits back and smiles politely and says, “That wasn’t nice,” and Chelsea is like, “Oh, but you’re suuuuper fun though,” or something, and the whole time Maggie is discreetly trying to register to Sir that this is unfair — without creating a scene — Chelsea is busy giving her this face:

There is no way that Chelsea didn’t know exactly what she was doing. She repeats later that she hates the drama and the cattiness, but she herself is rampantly engaging in both. Now, it’s possible this was triggered by stuff we never saw, but it certainly played on TV like EXTREME passive-aggression. Of course, I realize it’s in the show’s best interest — assuming this show has ANY interest AT ALL in ANYTHING other than doucheholery — to make viewers side with the girl who is NOT about to quit in a huff, so that editorial bent should also be considered. Anyway, Maggie privately takes this little scene with the kind of blurry enthusiasm only TV can provide:

Fauxry gives a limp interview about how the meal was awkward. Never mind that he appears to contribute nothing to the conversation. Let’s just imagine the lively debate of Tom Stoppard plays and impromptu spelling bee that took place.

Anyway, Maggie handles this appropriately: She tightly smiles her way through lunch while not rolling over like a doormat, and then back at Woo Ranch, she tells Chelsea that the whole thing was a bullshit move, and makes Fragrant Bog Face.

Chelsea asks what she said that was negative, at all, and then notes that she clearly assumed Maggie wasn’t embarrassed of herself since she routinely gets “piss-ass drunk” every night. This all suggests to me that Chelsea should be a lawyer.

Meghan is enjoying this, because Meghan is only here to win the war games, like Tic-Tac-Dope, and Global Thermonuclear Sir, and whatnot.

This is interesting: Chelsea notes that she’s sure “they” — as in, the camera people and producers and whatnot — are all feeding Sir information. So clearly there HAVE been discussions of what the producers are up to, and yet, we have ALSO heard people talking about Fauxry and the helicopter and the dates as if they are things he is arranging himself. You guys need to make up your minds about how deluded you are, okay? I can’t keep up with the swinging of the pendulum. Anyhoo, this turns into a fight where Chelsea says the equivalent of “This isn’t I Wanna Marry Harry’s Rejected Suitors In A Friend-And-Helpmate Kind Of Way, and tells Maggie to pump her brakes and that she doesn’t give a damn, doesn’t like drama, etc. My dear, in this case, I believe the one who smelt it dealt it. Chelsea is also annoyed that the argument raged all the way up the stairs although that is in part due to Maggie — and others — trying to finish the conversation and Chelsea doing the thing where she shuts it down and because she doesn’t care, which is endlessly frustrating to the other person in the fight (nice move, Chelsea), and only makes them want to keep talking.

And then Kelley chimes in, via interview, that we’re all supposed to be here for Harry: “Can’t he know there’s monstrous fight happening when we should all solely be focused on HIM?” I am a little afraid of her intensity.

Then Karina gets her one-on-one date — which Kingsley calls an “exclusive excursion,” except he CLEARLY required several takes to get through the tongue-twister, because he says it haltingly and still doesn’t quite get it right. I mean, the first time, I thought he said “excruciating excursion,” and I thought, “FINALLY, some honesty on this show.”

We begin with a helicopter ride over London, during which Sir points out several of the city’s iconic sights, including the following:

THAT IS TOWER BRIDGE YOU INCOMPETENT FOOLS. This is London Bridge. (And not even the original; this current one only dates back to 1973.) Which they may have boated underneath if they did this stretch of the Thames, so perhaps Sir was not simply laying a giant egg all over his Brit cred, and instead the producers lazily mis-applied the audio. I can’t decide which is worse: That he, as a British man, would not know it’s Tower Bridge, or that the show is ROUTINELY THE WORST AT EVERYTHING. TOWER BRIDGE. IT’S TOWER BRIDGE. IT’S THE BRIDGE BY THE TOWER OF LONDON. AT TOWER HILL. RIGHT BY TOWER HILL TUBE STOP IT’S SUPER FAMOUS. TOWER BRIDGE. And even if that’s an easy mistake to make for people who are not familiar with London, when you SET YOUR SHOW there and you FLY OVER IT and your whole premise is whether this yobbo is convincing anyone he’s royalty, DO YOUR HOMEWORK. OR AT LEAST MAKE A BUZZER SOUND AND PUT A GIANT X OVER IT OR SOMETHING HACKY LIKE THAT. They are NEVER going to pass him off as suave, or good at this, EVER, so they REALLY should have just embraced what a dipshit he was and played it for comedy. YOU PEOPLE GIVE ME THE CAPSIEST FEELINGS.

The show also plants two people on a different bridge, jumping up and down and screaming and pointing and taking pictures. (TWO. You think if it were actually Prince Harry, people wouldn’t be FLOCKING there in DROVES once they heard the shouts? They probably blocked off the bridge so nobody who hadn’t signed a release COULD get on there. Also, do you really think two RANDOM PEDESTRIANS on this otherwise DESERTED BRIDGE spotted Sir from two miles away?) Karina jokes that they’re her fans; he says they probably just saw the TV cameras. But she does seem impressed, unfathomably, all while she and Fauxry snack on The Sexual Chemistry of the Geographically Convenient and… what ARE those? Burritos? Just call them Traditional Olde English Protein Parcelles, Sir, and she will probably believe it.

They regurgitate several non-Karina-specific bites they’ve already used from Fauxry, about how his greatest fear is that when they remove the trappings of wealth none of these people will like him. On this tip, it’s worth noting that the girl who at the top of the hour swore she just wants to know him as a person — and was giving him no real signals last week — has now changed her tune after seeing a photo of him with William, riding in a Rolls Royce and a helicopter, and going on a boat.

But seriously, the camerapeople on this show are NOT lazy. They are doing a great, great job. It’s nice to know somebody on this show wants to be excellent. Fauxry confirms in a bite that he’s basically totally hot for Karina, and she starts squealing that of ALL the people in the WORLD for Harry to pick, he might have picked HER, and it’s so GREAT and what an amazing KISS and ugh. I hate that this show is proving its own sordid and cruel hypothesis.

Back with the Woos down in Wooville:

Anna Lisa just outed herself as the only one who reads the Internet, because she announces it’s not Harry. She doesn’t think he looks like Harry and says, “It’s his nose.” And also HIS WHOLE HEAD.

Chelsea announces she’s bored, and this turns into mindless bickering in which, again, she decides to cut off the conversation by telling people to shut up — which Maggie says is rude because they let Chelsea have her say, and why can’t the other girls have the same courtesy? Chelsea refuses to listen and says she doesn’t care about any of them, because they’re not her friends; she accuses them again, also, of being Mean Girls. This whole thing is cut to make Chelsea look unhinged and unreasonable, and for all I know she really was walking a tightrope, but it also feels like something else happened to sour Chelsea on these girls that they either can’t use — for likability reasons with the remaining contestants (as if we care) or that it was not on camera, or that it was inflammatory — and so instead they’re trying to cobble together a story from barely coherent pieces. I almost think they’d have been better off having Chelsea say she wasn’t that into Fauxry and wasn’t having much fun, and then been done with it, because the rest of it buys them nothing. It’s like watching Lindsay again, and trying to read between the lines, when in fact there ARE no lines and it’s just scribbles.

And then she summons Sir for some private time, and quits — but not without pointing out that it’s only because she hates the other girls, and indirectly (except fairly directly) singles out Maggie, Meghan, and Anna Lisa. Fauxry looks actually almost genuinely sad and hugs her, and interviews that he’s not pleased that she felt bullied out of the competition… and then we hear NO MORE ABOUT IT, so I guess the needs of his wang supplant the needs of his soul. Again, this whole thing was… really strange. Based on all the other episodes, I would have just guessed Chelsea wasn’t convinced by any of the show’s ruses and just didn’t care that much, but all these moving parts and vague statements make it seem super suspicious and weird, as if their efforts to fill in the blanks just make the blanks more pronounced. I like Maggie in general from what I’ve seen, in a casual buy-you-some-onion-rings kind of way, but I have to bear in mind that at this point it really does behoove the show not to cut an episode in which a girl who was bullied felt driven to quit, while the bullies triumphantly and smugly remained, so… I don’t know. Only the cutting room floor can tell us. And about 500 other people.

The girls are shocked to hear about Karina’s makeout session…

… and Anna Lisa cannot believe it about the fangirls, because her instincts are as razor sharp as her false eyelashes, and she is still pretty sure Sir would sooner be a rhesus monkey than Prince Harry.

Sir, by the way, gets to invite Karina back up to his room for, um, another private drink, which is his way of saying he’d like to sup on the milk of her tonsils.

Mission accomplished. She is incredibly patronizing when she enters, cooing, “You’re so cuuuuuuuuute,” and he spreads his arms and tells her that this, right here, is all him, and I don’t think he’s pointing at any particular appendages but one never knows. He interviews that lying to someone you don’t know is FINE but lying to someone you care about somewhat feels “a little bit wrong.” I guess this is what happens when the needle on your moral compass is in your pants.

The other girls all process this and conclude that Fauxry is REALLY super into Karina and that it might be Game Over for the rest of them. Kelley actually full-on WEEPS in her interview, essentially noting that Baby is not SUPPOSED to be put in a corner so WTF. And Meghan, naturally, brings it to sex and says all they want to know is how big he is.

Maggie drawls that if it’s little, she’s outta there. What a delightful cross-section of Young America.

To mourn the devastating loss of someone whose name Fauxry has almost assuredly forgotten (Kingsley: “Life must go on,” to which Rose says, in picturesque false agony, “Yes“), they have a day which turns out to be Play Badminton With A Dude Dressed Like He’s At A Fraternity Garden Party. Kelley gets so manic in her attempts to impress him with her athleticism that she ends up skidding under the net REPEATEDLY like a complete buffoon. Fauxry reaches for something positive and comes up with that there’s a very determined person under that “crazy exterior,” which is a backhand the likes of which Roger Federer would envy. Worse, nobody makes a “shuttlecock” joke, which I realize I just indirectly did and thus makes me less classy than the Woo Girls, which I will have to live with forever.

Fauxry is so impressed with Kelley that he pulls… Anna Lisa aside. She is wearing a skirt so short and poofy that she looks like an exotic bird. She proceeds to grill him, but either ineptly, or we are not shown it completely, because where she could REALLY nail him on the specifics, she pulls her punches. For example, she challenges him on whether he likes Vegas, but does not ask him any specific things ABOUT Vegas that might trip him up or actually tell her anything. And when she asks what he does all day, his answer is that he only does family events and things with his charities, and wanly suggests this is fun; he doesn’t mention his role in the military, even the desk job aspect that I believe it is now, and she clumsily does not grill him on THAT omission. Worse, this is what his face does:

You have the overbite of DOOM, CHILD.

Maybe she DID hit all the right points, and the show had to cut it out because of how stupid it makes him look, and because they didn’t want it to look like they only dispatched her because she cracked the case. But the thing is, that’s GREAT STORY, if she really did get him to blow it, and maybe he could’ve then TURNED HER and used her to infiltrate, or something, maybe in exchange for a couple quid and… I don’t know. The clothes? Those overalls are so hot right now. You never know when Miss Los Angeles has to go do an appearance to promote CSA boxes or whatever.

And then Anna Lisa gets into pageant mode and starts saying she’s here for the experience, and to learn so much about herself, and that she works so hard that she often forgets to smell the roses. It’s totally banal and boring and benign, and I don’t think she gives a shit about any of it because she knows this is all a joke. I am really worried about who was filling in as Miss Los Angeles while she was overseas. Were we without a monarch and we didn’t even KNOW? Was it NEARLY ANARCHY?

And now, it’s Hot Tub Truth Or Dare, which results in Rose being told to do “that flappy bird dance you do at weddings” (that’s a close paraphrase of what Karina actually says) to one of Sir’s security guards. And so:

You can’t tell as much from this photo, but her swimsuit is basically made of blue tissue paper. That thing was clinging to every crevice, which was super awkward when she decided to wriggle and wiggle said crevice right into the RPO’s junk. He actually can’t keep a straight face and so simply turns away. It’s excruciating.

And then we pause for a beat in which Meghan suggests she and Fauxry were eye-humping and playing footsy the whole time, which goes nowhere, and therefore probably means Meghan makes it really far and they need to explain WHY given that he’s invited her on zero dates. She gets all Nutballs on us and explains that Babe, as she calls him, is clearly trying to tell her that she is his favorite. Well, now you just sound demented, Meghan.

Kingsley is also very invested in his work. It can only be because he is only able to sleep at night knowing that even though the SHOW is a moral horror, he played his role. Little does he know that he and Fauxry will have to be removed from the country for calling Harry the Prince of Wales.

This is when we would normally get Breaking It Down with Kingsley Shackledolt, but the show skips it this week, possibly because dispatching Chelsea took up that time. So we’re going to have to make one up, especially because I feel like this particular confab was a lot more producer driven anyway.

I Wanna Marry Harry recap episode 4
I Wanna Marry Harry recap episode 4
I Wanna Marry Harry recap episode 4
I Wanna Marry Harry recap episode 4

As for the girls, they conclude that there will be no elimination because Chelsea quit, so the show grabs this udder of misconception and milks it for all its worth. First, Anna Lisa is called away, and I’m sorry, but the girls are REALLY EXTRA LAME for not realizing her jig was up because she and Sir have all the chemistry of saliva and nail polish. Then the girls all pretend they are happy for her. THEN, Kingsley Shackledolt returns to the room and gets out his tablet, as if Sir is texting him his instructions…

… and Kelley is so convinced that Anna Lisa is safe that she actually CROSSES HERSELF and PRAYS OUT LOUD that Kingsley will not say her name. Which of course he does, because I think this entire show as a production is DESPERATE to get Lady Notebook Concussion on another date with Sir. And the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are all like, “Leave this trinity OUT OF IT, please.”

Kelley is openly weeping at this point:

And the show intercuts the world’s most boring elimination speeches until the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND, at which time of COURSE Anna Lisa is kicked out of here — her parting thought is, “I guess he doesn’t like beauty queens,” which may actually be true because he already kicked off First Runner-Up Andrea, but also, get over yourself —  and OF COURSE Kelley, who sobbed all over him when he showed up and begged him not to send her home, gets kicked up to the Crown Suite.

She nearly falls out of the chair from relief, and he has to beg her not to slide onto the floor.

And all he can do is look at her and mumble something about how she’s “bold” and “genuine,” both of which ARE probably true, but he seems terrified that he’s going to end up down a well in about half an hour and that his junk will wither and die before it lives out the promise of Dating Show Carnal Misbehavior.

The Woo Girls lift Kelley on their shoulders like she is Rudy up in here — she kind of is; this girl is not Sir’s first-string, and they all know it — and Meghan overly graciously says she is SO HAPPY for Kelley, and it’s the act of a woman who knows she can outwardly root for Kelley because it won’t matter. Kelley pretends the Crown Suite is just wonderful and announces to us that she could be the perfect Princess wife, girlfriend, whatever. She DOES know there’s no actual PRIZE here, right? No diamond, no pearls? ARE there?

Didn’t think so.

Next week: Kingsley Shackledolt tells the girls that Sir is Prince Harry of Wales.