It feels like either milady has a new stylist, or milady is learning that variety is the spice of life. Observe the subject in a dress I never would have expected from her at any kind of nighttime event:

It’s a bit like a drunk grandmother: The idea is fine, maybe even great, but by a certain point in the night it’s primarily just crinkly and off-kilter. Unfortunately for J.Lo, that phase arrived a lot sooner than it does with many grandmothers (certainly mine; my mother’s parents could PARTY back in the day, whoo boy). She gets points for the shoes, though, and for the new approach to life, even if her facial expression appears to be saying, “HOLA LOVERS. You are going to think I do not know how to iron. This is wrong. I do know. It is not hard, lovers! All you do is ring a bell and say, ‘Hello, Person Who Just Came Into My Living Room, go and iron my clothes.’ Poof. Done. I do not know what happened here but perhaps I need to set someone on fire.”

Of course, J.No has not de-sheered herself entirely:

Your reds are clashing, lover. Also, Jennifer Lopez has a body for all time. The body of the ages. The body that TRANSCENDS ages. And she has found a garment that doesn’t do ANYTHING for it. In fact, it might actively be conspiring against her. It’s not necessarily ghastly, but it’s just not servicing her physical achievements the way it could or should. She might have been tricked. Zuhair Murad might be in trouble.

“Lovers,” she is thinking. “I am wearing a catsuit with ESSENCE OF SPANX. The Lopez does not do panty shadow. There will be blood tonight. I am the Queen of Hearts and this is my Wonderland and Ryan Seacrest is that cat who smiles a lot and Keith probably is the crazy hat person, I don’t know why but it just seems like something he would do at home, and Batfleck is that walrus who ATE ALL THE OYSTERS BECAUSE HE IS SO SELFISH, and Marc is the vampire that nobody wrote into the story but we all know he was in there someplace, and Harry Connick is a very manly Alice because somebody has to be and he would look very good in a headband if I made him wear it, and you my lovers are the flamingo croquet mallets who hit all the balls for me and SOMEONE’S HEAD IS GOING TO ROLL FOR THIS.”

[Photos: Getty]