Fug Madness 2015, Round One: Cher Bracket, Part Two

As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, peruse the FAQ; if you forgot your bracket, click here. And, most importantly, have fun!

Jump to: 3. MARION COTILLARD vs. 14. KEKE PALMER · 6. SOLANGE vs. 11. JESSICA CHASTAIN · 7. ROSAMUND PIKE vs. 10. NATASHA BEDINGFIELD 

2. JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. 15. SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Hola, lovers!

I think you’ll be DELIGHTED by the depth and breadth of J Lo’s contribution to Fug Madness this year. She BROUGHT IT. There’s the above bra/bib mash-up. There’s the below boob-slings. There are these aggressively-waisted (and perhaps wasted) pants; and whatever in the name of GOD is happening in this moment.

The Lopez did not shy from jumpsuits!

Nor flimy capes!

 

Nor hybrid leotard/skirt/necklace combos, no matter how horrifying/confusing!

In fact, she found the skirt/pant hybrid so nice, she wore it twice:

I appreciate how coy she looks there. She should have just gone all out and worn THAT to the Oscars, instead of this only mostly successful Elie Saab.

And then there’s this. DEAR GOD WHAT IS THIS THING?

I appreciate that even J Lo herself has her eyes closed to it. Her streetwear was INDEED noteworthy this year, you guys. She looked like a psychotic leprechaun with Keith Urban, and at one point, she sported a blinged-out New York-themed jersey.

She also, as one would expect from J Lo, often went quasi naked. Like, this is basically a mummy’s formalwear:

And this is that dress’s cousin, just a little more blinged out:

Both of those feel vaguely related to this white (and fur!) Amanda Blakeley outfit, which also prompts the comment, “well, the outfit’s bad, but her bod is AMAZING right now.” (And that Amanda Blakeley outfit is MILES better than this Sad Toga, in which anyone’s bod would look sort of undercooked. Maybe J Lo wanted snacks that week. Who can judge?)

This doesn’t even do said bod that many favors:

WHAT is even happening on her feet? Why is there a Glamour Don’t bar over her crotch? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

But honestly, we should know better than to question this majestic creature:

You really ought to look through her archives. THEY ARE RESPLENDENT.

You know, I kind of feel like if J Lo and SJP were trapped on an island together, they would somehow put their skills together and emerge as new world leaders who’d mastered cold fusion while they were trapped there. Their hut would be spectacular, they’d take forty-five minutes every day to work on their planks, they’d eventually build themselves a yacht to escape. SJP can leave this dress there, though:

It’s just SUCH A YAWN and if SJP is anything, she is NOT a yawn. This isn’t a yawn:

It might, however, be a SCREAM, and not of joy. Of terror. If that wasn’t clear. COME ON SARAH JESSICA. You are a LOVELY person — when people who interview celebrities get together, we often discuss who is always nice and who is a surprisingly jerk, and I have NEVER heard nor experienced personally anything but professionalism and warmth and friendliness from SJP — but THOSE HOSE ARE INSANE. You know this. You know this deep inside. This entire thing is just a buffet of cray.

This next one just seems sort of randomly tossed together. Better than elbow-pit warmers, though? Maybe so.

This next one is sort of melancholy, now that Mr de la Renta is dead, but the HAIR is nutty and Oscar, I presume, had nothing to do with THAT:

(If you want to experience that entire look again, it’s here. And the signature was her idea.)

Blame for this needs to be placed SOMEWHERE, too:

It’s just such a drapey bedsheet. Which is a great new insult, I feel like: “Don’t be such a drapey bedsheet, Carl. Hand me that tequila.”

I decided this was a shout-out to the way that Carrie Bradshaw was never spotted braless, EVER:

You should take a look at Sarah Jessica’s archives, too. There is a lot to drink in. For example, I personally liked this, but I also recognize that it’s a table runner. This was a total snooze. And this feels like laundry day, a bit. But can she take down the force of nature that is J Lo? Only one way to find out:

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3. MARION COTILLARD vs. 14. KEKE PALMER

I smell an upset brewing. Not because Marion didn’t bring her share of the fug this year, but because I totally forgot something Keke sported and OMG IT’S BAD. I’m just going to lead with it, and you can judge everything else against it. PREPARE YOUR EYES:

OH KEKE. You regretted that the instant you tried to sit down in the car, didn’t you? How did you even WALK in this? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ANY OF US?

(I feel honor-bound to show you how great she looked at the Emmys, just to make up for this. I feel like every time a photo of the above ran, anywhere, her agent must have wanted to send out a press blast reminding everyone how good she was on Masters of Sex)

But, listen. Marion will not go down without a fight. This is a sack:

This, technically, is also a sack:

Huh. This next one is ALSO kind of a sack. Does Marion have a sack-addiction? Has she been having a Big Sack Attack this entire year? This is making me a sad sack. I CAN KEEP GOING. (I won’t.) (I might.)

Except for the part where I totally have a point. THIS IS ALSO A SACK:

This is TWO SACKS stapled to ANOTHER SACK:

We don’t know what’s happening under this coat, but I suspect it’s totally Vita Sackville-West under there:

Keke is NOT, at least, wearing a sack. Not ever. No sacks for her. I mean, I’m not sure this is a DRESS, either, but….

I mean. It’s FABRIC?

And here, I feel like her facial expression is like, “DUDE. I KNOW. LEAVE ME ALONE. I LOST A BET.”

That’s a bib and an apron gone rogue. For a moment, I also thought her clutch was a plastic reusable water bottle, which gave this entire look an aura of, “oh, LEAVE ME ALONE. I am severely dehydrated.”

Here, at least, her entire head looks great, which is ideal because she needs to distract us from the rest of it. Yes, those are nipple rings.

If you pretend she’s wearing a real shirt, it actually kind of works. But that would have defeated the purpose.

Both archives are really chockablock with delights.  Marion wore a green screen! She wore shorts! She wore a salute to the solar system! Her archives are here. And Keke’s are really…the’y’re just a roller coaster of emotions. Take that ride, and then vote!

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6. SOLANGE vs. 11. JESSICA CHASTAIN

Sometimes when I write these posts, I like to think about how the two competitors would get along. I feel like Solange and Chastain would have the kind of relationship where they are totally cordial when they run into each other, and completely forget the other person exists the rest of the time. Which is weird, because Solange is obviously unforgettable. Look at these wacky pants!

That was at Art Basel, where she also sported this vomiting blouse, and this jumpsuit (?) which honestly SHOULD look worse on her than it really does.

Much like her sister’s Vanity Fair party look, Solange seems like she kind of decided to just half-ass the Oscar parties this year:

In fairness, it’s hard to pull out a white gown that would top her Wedding Look. She seriously should have just worn one of those looks again.

Her look at the ceremony was, at least, livelier:

Livelier and arguably crazier. Wait, not even arguably. ACTUALLY crazier.  She looks like the leader of an obscure but cheerful religious super-cult. (At least, as Supreme Cult Leaders go, she seems like a jovial one here.)

And then…the Met Ball. Which was a rough night for the Jay-Z/Knowles sisters all around. There was the whole Elevator Incident, of course, but before that, we had her underwhelming and bridesmaidal outfit:

You can basically hear the sad trombone in the background. Allow that to be your soundtrack as you look over her archives...and then turn to her challenger:

These two have one thing in common, and it’s that — regardless of their ensemble — their HEAD almost always looks swell. For example, in the above pic, she is TOTALLY wearing a nightgown, but at least her hair is amazing. As it is here, at the Vanity Fair Oscars party:

Dude. No. This is not flattering and it is not even any FUN. It’s TRYING to be fun, but it’s falling down on the job. Which is extra problematic because Jessica Chastain herself always seems bubbly on the red carpet.

In fact, that’s a bit of a running theme. That’s exactly what’s happening here:

That dress SHOULD be fun — it’s so flowery! — but it’s inching toward mustiness. (Her boyfriend looks dishy, though, so points for good accessorizing.)

This next look, from the same film festival, looks — as I said at the time — like a funereal taco:

It makes me sad to see such a HAPPY FACE on top of such a depressing look.

On the other hand, she’s NEARLY pulling this off, which is not what I would have anticipated:

And this seems like another SO CLOSE moment — her specialty, truly — that veered into matronly on her:

The color is great? I’M TRYING TO BE NICE. Elsewhere in Chastain’s archives, we’ve got a somewhat half-hearted jumpsuit, a red carpet offering that I wasn’t in love with, and SO MUCH MORE. Take a look…and then vote:

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7. ROSAMUND PIKE vs. 10. NATASHA BEDINGFIELD

I know I say this for ALL of these, nearly, but I really think this is going to be CLOSE. I had blocked out a lot of what Natasha Bedingfield brought to the table in the past year. Like this combo of harem pants, golden blazer, and sheer top…AT THE UNITED NATIONS:

It’s apt that she wore this dress to an event partially sponsored by Windows, as it is giving us WINDOWS to her torso:

This, on the other hand, is Window To A Hip Flexor:

She’s kind of ALL ABOUT the Windows to Parts of Her Torso, I guess.

As if that weren’t enough, her archives bring you a diluted Gwen Stefani, and, to be frank, that kind of goes for all of this. Feel the rain on your skin, Natasha.

Rosamund Pike isn’t a diluted anyone, at least. Here’s what she is. Wrapping paper married to packing material:

What one of you said looked like two maxi-pads tied to her chest, something I will NEVER UNSEE:

A person who responded to the above by overcompensating and just squashing everything WAAAAAAY down. Including her hair:

This feels as if it were repurposed from the car seats of a Dodge Dart, while this next one is basically a loofah:

There is, as ever, more to see in her archives.  This was kind of a misfire; this was the obligatory foray into the world of sheers.

TIME TO VOTE:

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