So, I watched Burlesque this weekend, and here are the big things about that movie:
- It’s not good at all, but it’s not bad ENOUGH to be fun, so it’s just… blah. Except for one scene which Kristen Bell HUGELY overacts, which is unintentionally hilarious, and also Stanley Tucci, although he’s good in everything;
- Christina is not Razzie-bad in it, and in fact, is not the worst thing about it;
- In fact, when she’s in her “no makeup” makeup and her Regular Girl wig, Christina looks kind of adorable; which means…
- This movie might be her Crossroads, in that years from now, we will look back at how cute and clean she COULD look and wonder how and why it all had to go so wrong.
And it DID go wrong. Specifically, it went here:
The HAIR. The MAKEUP. The EYEBROWS. There is a scene in Burlesque where Cher teaches Xtina how to apply makeup, and she’s all, “See? Beautiful,” and Xtina turns to the mirror and we all yelped, “WHAAAAT?” because she looked like such a painted hussy. It looked kind of like this. Also, is there PINK in her braid? I mean.
This is also spectacularly wrong:
Honey. You bought the boobs. You MUST wrangle them. Don’t make them look as sad as we feel. You don’t need to go so far as to install a system of chains and pulleys, nor a shirt where we can SEE your bra, but… you know what, that did sort of look better than this.
She did try to corral them when she sat down to watch the Lakers game at which she performed:
But it didn’t work. I like to imagine that the jeans were whole when she arrived at the game, but she slowly sliced holes into them with angry, bored fingernails while Jordan Bratman tried to explain to her what a charge is, and what is the deal with Andrew Bynum, and which one is married to Khloe Kardashian.
I’ll admit, this is far from horrible… EXCEPT for the hair and makeup. What is UP WITH THAT BRONZER. It’s too much. If I were a therapist, I would suggest that her inability to go anywhere without hiding behind ten pounds of slap means she is running from herself or something else. Instead, I will advance the theory that she only actually REMOVES her makeup four times a year, and the rest of the time she just sort of adds more as a touch-up whenever things start to look rode-hard. Which I’m sure is not what she imagined back when she was a genie in a bottle asking to be rubbed the right way; then again, maybe the whole time all she was asking was for a Buf Puf and nobody understood.
Life hasn’t gone the way Katie Holmes planned, either, I imagine.
She’s all, “Dear Mom. So, how come nobody tied me to a bed until Tom Cruise went away and wooed someone else? This has NOT WORKED OUT for me. Am I being drugged? Because, like, I was on Dawson’s Creek, and then suddenly I here I am looking like an extra from a scene on Melrose Place where Alison got drunk at D&D Advertising and Billy and Amanda glared at her judgmentally, or a time when Billy was all, “Do I take over my dad’s carpet store or keep driving a cab,” and America fell asleep while waiting for him to decide. Like, WHOA. What was I thinking? I don’t even remember putting this on, so I’m wondering if maybe some drugs wore off like thirty seconds ago. I should probably run, but it might be easier if I just took another dose. Because if you knock me out then I won’t remember stuff.”
“Like, for example, whatever’s happening here, which appears to involve the top half of a formal leotard from Make It Or Break It and an unfurled bath puff and a forced polka on the endless Knight and Day Please Come See This Movie Desperation Tour.”
“Or that I actually wore those jeans, paired with those socks, matched with those shoes, all of which make me look like a tween playing dress up. In the 80s. I hope that Suri is sending out a Priority Mail order for A Clue.”
“Or how Nicole Kidman spent HER contractually obligated Tom Cruise Wife Time doing, like To Die For, wearing an iconic Oscar gown, and having good hair. I’m doing photo ops next to Angelina Ballerina.
At least my hair looks good, too.
Sigh. Hit me again.”
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- Xtina (84%, 9,906 Votes)
- Katie Holmes (16%, 1,880 Votes)
Total Voters: 11,774
(2) NICKI MINAJ vs. (7) MIA WASIKOWSKA
Or, as we’re calling it here at GFY HQ: (2) TOTALLY CRAZY v. (7) HELLA DEPRESSING.
Her hair is inspired by ice cream and her dress is made of comic books.
It’s the youngest Assistant Deputy DA in town. And she’s got forty depositions to review.
You know how we often talk about whether or not we’d like to be trapped in an elevator with a particular celebrity? Like, Jon Hamm: Yes; Claire Danes: Probably not (she doesn’t seem chatty. Also, she might spend the entire time up-selling us on Latisse).
If you’re in the elevator with this lady, she is going to talk your damn ear off. When you part ways, it will merely be for fifteen minutes, before you meet up again at the bar so you can figure out how best to pitch the reality show concept you broke while waiting to be rescued. She will loan you a wig.
Whereas if you’re stuck with this one, you’re both going to be crying by the time the firemen rescue your sad asses. The tears will begin the instant you see the rise of her pants and that they’ve been cuffed to that length on purpose. You will promise to take her shopping, but you actually will never speak to her again.
This one will possibly kick your ass, as she may actually be a superhero of some sort.
This one is just going to sigh and yammer on about how mean Sister Mary Margaret was to her all throughout AP Chem.
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- Nicki Minaj (71%, 8,110 Votes)
- Mia Wasikowska (29%, 3,250 Votes)
Total Voters: 11,349