Well, day one of Round One is over, and I can think of one person who will not be thrilled with the results.
Lovers, you are about to get dumped.
Here are the results from Thursday, and previews of the Round Two matchups they’ve created, which will be played on Monday.
(1) TAYLOR MOMSEN vs. (9) DIANE KRUGER
Jessica Szohr needn’t have bothered: She only got three percent of the vote in a total rout by Taylor “Censored Vagina” Momsen. Diane Kruger faced off against Emma Watson, and despite a very dodgy run at the Harry Potter events this past summer, Emma couldn’t hold her own — Diane snagged a whopping 69 percent of the vote and now has to endure some time Monday having her name mentioned in the same sentence as Momsen’s. Sorry, Pacey.
(5) LINDSAY LOHAN vs. (13) DREW BARRYMORE
To be honest, Drew was one of the last teams in, but she knocked off a strong four seed in Angelina Jolie without even blinking, 65 percent to 35 percent. She’ll face off against professional hot mess Lindsay Lohan, who delivered a stiletto to the groin of Katherine Heigl by snagging 74 percent of the vote.
(3) KATIE HOLMES vs. (6) CHRISTINA AGUILERA
This might be the first year EVER that Juliette Lewis has gone out in the first round. And it was close — only 118 votes separated her from Katie Holmes, but unfortunately for her (or for Katie?), Mrs. Cruise came out on top and will move on to face Ms. Burlesquilera. Xtina downed a very formidable Cheryl Cole, who was one of my dark-horse candidates to make a run at the Sweet Sixteen, with a very dominating 64 percent of the vote.
(2) NICKI MINAJ vs. (7) MIA WASIKOWSKA
So long, Lea Michele: She couldn’t even really compete with Mia, who snagged 78 percent of your votes. Likewise, Nicki Minaj had zero trouble with January Jones, capturing 88 percent of the vote.
(5) JULIANNE MOORE vs. (13) RYAN CABRERA
Well, it’s official: Ryan Cabrera is the Morehead State of Fug Madness. There are a lot of jokes to be made here, from clean ones about the size of his noggin, to filthy ones about his apartment being declared a West Coast campus of increased suck-to-blow action. None of them change the fact that J.Lo is about to put a bounty on his head, because — American Idol spoiler ahoy — not only did her Mini-Me get eliminated Thursday night, but she lost a Fug Madness vote to a total Nipsy McIck, 53 percent to 47 percent. For her part, Julianne sent Brad Pitt home to the kids. with a 58 percent to 42 percent victory.
(1) RIHANNA vs. (9) CARRIE UNDERWOOD
We really thought Ginnifer Goodwin was poised for a run, but sometimes, Carrie Underwood is a formidable opponent, and yesterday was one of those days: She downed Ginnifer by an almost 2/3 margin. Rihanna made fast work of Bryce Dallas Howard, booting her by snagging 82 percent of the vote.
(3) LEONA LEWIS vs. (6) FLORENCE WELCH
Florence sucked the lifeblood out of Kristen Stewart by a score of 69 percent to 31 percent; Leona scored a 2/3 majority over Tyra “Tyra” Banks. So we’ll get a matchup of Bare Midriff vs Sheer Skirts.
(2) MILEY CYRUS vs. (7) SWINTON
Well, he tried, but little Bieber couldn’t come of age against a woman whose name is always in all-caps in our hearts. SWINTON captured 67 percent of the vote, earning the chance to face off against someone who is — like Bieber, except for different reasons — her polar opposite. Ms. Miley dispensed with Cameron Diaz with a pretty cool near-unanimous 96 percent of the vote.