At first I thought I was going to like this a lot. And if we’re talking strictly about her hair, it’s fab, and making mine wilt with unfulfilled purpose.

But then I got this proper look at the outfit, and that bustier might as well be made out of old shoulder pads. And then I decided the shoes with the giant safety pin aren’t my thing (although at least they’re WHIMSICAL, which yesterday’s Mary Janes on Steroids were not). I like the clutch, but it looks discordant here, and I LOVE the blazer, but the proportions seem wonkus. I want to liberate it and the skirt and try again. Even a simple tank top would suffice — maybe a white one with some funky necklaces, to go with the blazer and jeans, or with the skirt on its own.  Basically, a lot of this needs a new context. I keep thinking of Martin Short in Father of the Bride saying, “I love it. We’ll change it all.” WWFD, y’all: What would Franck do?

OH BUT WAIT: At the last minute, I found a second bustier that she wore later this day:

I am REALLY not a fan of lingerie with high-waisted bottoms. But also, those particular high-waisted bottoms might need to burn in the white-hot flames on the side of my face, ignited by how unflattering they are. Why, Jessica? Why? Do you just get BORED of having a perfect body? Because, I mean, I’d be HAPPY to unburden you of some of that EXCRUCIATING fitness.

[Photo: Splash]