At this point, I think my desire to see Agent Cooper snap out of his fugue state — IF THAT EVER HAPPENS — no longer outweighs than my disinterest in seeing women get beaten up and called cunts for an hour. Call me crazy.
SO WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH COOPER?
Well, the Vegas mob is plotting to kill Dougie Jones, so he better hope his deeply buried FBI skills continue to emerge when needed, as they did when Stabby McGee tried to kill him. Naomi Watts FINALLY took him to the doctor but no one STILL seems to notice that HE IS IN A FUGUE STATE. Instead, all Naomi Watts (finally) notices is that he’s hot now, so she takes him home and has sex with him and drools all over him the rest of the hour. Yes, Kyle Maclachlan is foine (and Dougie seems to enjoy the boning), but SOMETHING IS OBVIOUSLY WRONG WITH DOUGIE and the fact that NO ONE has ordered an MRI is stretching my ability to suspend my disbelief.
WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON IN VEGAS?
Honestly? I do not give a shit about According to Jim and the rest of this plot. I am sort of weirdly proud of Jim Belushi for landing this gig, though.
WHAT’S HAPPENING IN NORTH DAKOTA?
The good news is that Albert and Gordon Cole know all about Diane’s mysterious texts with Creeper and vaguely know where he is. Albert is also perhaps about to have a fling with Jane Adams, The ME. It’s nice that someone’s perhaps going to have some happiness. In worse news, Albert and Gordon Cole are both seeing, like, spectral visions of a screaming Laura Palmer in their hotel hallways, so that’s fun.
SPEAKING OF LAURA PALMER, WHAT’S UP IN TWINS PEAKS?
A lot and most of it is upsetting: Richard Horne, who you may remember from such hits as I Ran Down A Child In Cold Blood and I Harass Women At The Roadhouse, kills another woman and then goes over to see his grandma — Silvia Horne, Audrey’s mother; I assume Audrey is HIS mother. Don’t ask me where Audrey is, because I’m going to fly into a rage about how annoying it is that we’re being made to wait so long to see her; yes, I understand that’s intentional, and I also think it’s irritating — and then chokes the shit out of her, calls her names, beats her up, and steals from her, traumatizing Johnny Horne along the way. He’s absolutely awful and it’s not even fun to watch. It’s brutal and I honestly hate this plot with every part of myself. If the point of this series is to remind us that absolute evil exists and it often points its wrath at women: THANKS, I GOT IT. As a plot point, because I’m sure it will come up: Shitty Police Officer Chad and Dick Horne are in some kind of cahoots.
Also, Silvia is so unpleasant on the phone with Ben Horne in the aftermath of this that he may be reconsidering banging Ashley Judd. That will surely distract her from all her issues with the lamps in her office.
Jerry Horne is still in the fucking woods; Dr Jacoby is still doing his YouTube show (and has a rapt viewer in the form of Nadine Hurley, who now owns her own Silent Drapes store, which, good for you, Nadine). The Log Lady has given Hawk a LOT more metaphysical yada yada to reflect upon, including the news that both Trumans are “true men” and can be trusted, but a lot of the new policemen are real a-holes (I’m paraphrasing), and that he needs to think harder about electricity (again, a paraphrase).
Shelly? Dunno. Bobby? Dunno. James? No idea. Norma? Don’t know. Sarah Palmer? You got me. Big Ed? Great question. Audrey? As noted, NO IDEA.
Then we went to the Roadhouse and listened to a woman sing beautifully for like about ten minutes longer than you normally have a person sing in a TV show without an accompanying montage designed to move the plot along.
Oh, also, everyone at the trailer park sucks except for Harry Dean Stanton. THE END!
[All photos: Suzanne Tenner/SHOWTIME]