“HOLA LOVERS. I have a tip. Aging: do not do it.”

“Because one day, you will be America’s Most Beautiful In The World, and then — even if your legs are like chiseled destiny — suddenly you will find yourself on a stage with the person who PLAYED YOUR CHILD in the movie where Voldemort stayed at your hotel, and everyone will realize you are not twenty-nine, and you will not be able to punch him with the five emerald rings on your finger because that would be rude and you have not been rude since that time on Lopez Idol where Hairosmith sat next to you and stole some of your air. So just… do not do it, lovers. Or at least turn down some of your invitations.”

[Photo: Getty]