Royal Tour Day ?????????

First: There was a fairly large earthquake in New Zealand today — a 6.2, last time I saw. That’s a proper shaker and I’m sure it was scary for everyone in radius (it was over 200 miles away from Harry and Meghan so they didn’t even feel it). I hope all our Kiwi readers are okay/didn’t have anything precious broken!

Back to the tour. The tour! This tour started at the beginning of time; verily, this tour shall continue until the end of days. This tour has seen the Fall of the Roman Empire and a man landing on the moon. We were born during this tour, we lived during this tour, we shall die during this tour and when we are reincarnated, we will be reincarnated into this tour.

All joking aside, I do not know why this particular royal tour feels so long — Wills and Kate’s similar trip was even longer in terms of days, but I think they did fewer events because they had George with them. Trust, it’s not that I don’t enjoy The Traveling Adventures of Harry and Meghan — believe me, I do — but kids, you gotta go home sometime. We need to get some sleep. You need to get some sleep. The royal press pack really needs some sleep! (Tomorrow is the last official day of the tour.)

Instead H&M jaunted over to Auckland today. There was “a 20 hectare area of native bush” dedicated. A plaque? “Did they have any plaques?” I hear you ask. They did and they do and it was unveiled! Were children met and greeted? Spoiler: Yes! (The first batch of kiddies were from an “environmental education group” called Trees For Survival, which seems neat and good, and the second group of kids are part of a charity called Pillars, which, Kensington Palace tells us, is “charity operating across New Zealand that supports children who have a parent in prison through the provision of special mentoring schemes.” The Government of New Zealand donated $5000 to this charity as a wedding gift, and some of the kids Harry and Meghan met today were beneficiaries of that money; that is all quite sincerely awesome and a very good cause.) I can sense your next question, too: Is there going to be yet another event later upon this day, one that perhaps necessitates a wardrobe change? Yes! There is! And I will get to that in a subsequent post, after I, too, perhaps, get some sleep, so look for it later on Tuesday.

And yes, friends, I hear you when you wonder: What are these people wearing? That’s an amazing question, and I’m here to give you the answers. First: Harry is wearing a pair of hip-waders constructed from bubble wrap and a tube top composed of a discarded Buff from a lesser season of Survivor, and Meghan is wearing another Karen Walker piece (this jacket), J.Crew jeans (I’d link to J.Crew but their site is DOWN right now, which I’m pretty sure is another sign that we are in the end-times), and these rainboots. There were also rain parkas deployed (it’s rained quite a bit on this tour!). At the next event, Harry sported a homemade replica of the red latex catsuit that Britney wore in the “…Oops, I Did It Again” video, accessorized with the necklace that old lady threw into the ocean in the end, and Meghan wore another Brandon Maxwell dress (this time, a custom number) and a Burberry trench that doesn’t seem to be for sale anymore, but. You know. It’s a Burberry trench!

Are you interested in TREE FACTS? I am!

Duchess Meghan planted a New Zealand kōwhai tree, which was one of the distinctive flora she had representing the Commonwealth country on her wedding veil. It produces bright yellow flowers in spring and is a favourite food of tree geckos, tui, bellbird and kererū pigeons pic.twitter.com/LLVWKiKg6A

— Omid Scobie (@scobie) October 30, 2018

And finally, the most important question of all: Who won the welly wanging?

WATCH: But it was Meghan who won the welly-wanging/gumboot-throwing competition! She was very surprised and delighted! pic.twitter.com/s2I3v9nYpx

— Emily Andrews (@byEmilyAndrews) October 30, 2018

Welly wanging looks satisfying. I might go outside and wang my own wellies around for a while. While I get into that, this made me laugh:

Meanwhile…these officers aren’t sure how to handle this bouquet of flowers #RoyalVisitNZ pic.twitter.com/HzKkgisbYL

— Jamie Samhan (@JamieSamhan) October 30, 2018

Here’s your Brandon Maxwell/Burberry combo in action. Related: I like that Meghan’s assistant is wearing snazzy gold flats: