YOUTHS! Gather around and learn from your elders and our tales of foot woe! While, yes, you might find yourself in a shoe department at some point, looking at a flip-flop with a kitten heel and thinking, “this is cute,” YOU MUST RESIST. Put that shoe down. WALK AWAY. Do NOT look back. And do not, under any circumstances, buy and wear a flip-flop kitten heel. Because at some point you will get that skinny lil’ heel stuck in something — a subway grate; an unnervingly large crack in the sidewalk; a floor mat — and because you’ve got a thong between your otherwise innocent toes, you will not be able to just step out of the shoe like a normal person but instead your foot will be RIPPED FROM THE SHOE by your own forward motion and, child, it will hurt. PLEASE learn from the time I bought lavender kitten-heel flip-flops with large jewels over the arch of my foot. Were they cute? YES. (It was 2003.) Did I absolutely mutilate my own feet in them? Reader, I did. Should Alessandra Ambrosio, at 40, actually know this already from personal experience? Probably. DO NOT WALK (literally) IN OUR SHOES.

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