Madonna Bracket, Round One: Can Marion Cotillard Knock Out Kate Hudson?

Reminder: The photos we show are not the only ones in contention; they’re just illustrative. It’s body of work, y’all, with anything worn from post-Oscars 2016 through the Oscars this year. Polls close after 24 hours, and the other half of each bracket will be contested on Friday. Happy voting!

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(2) Gigi Hadid vs. (15) Haley Bennett · (3) Emily Ratajkowski vs. (14) Elle Fanning · (6) Kate Hudson vs. (11) Marion Cotillard · (7) Heidi Klum vs. (10) Zosia Mamet

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(2) Gigi Hadid vs. (15) Haley Bennett

Gigi Hadid has, in what feels like the blink of an eye, become as omnipresent as a Jenner. And as omnitransparent.

I wish the models trying to brand themselves as the new Supers would remember that many of the greats got where they are WITHOUT leotards. (Remember when Cindy Crawford caused a stir at the Oscars in a red gown that was, gasp, cut below her boob line? How times have changed.) You also might remember the lace thing she wore at the AMAs, which is in the header of this post, but did you recall the back view?

Girl, in the words of the immortal prophets Ace of Base, DON’T TURN AROUND.

Gigi also wore things that totally count because I do not equate “hosting” with “performing my new hit single,” so: Behold her red knotted dress and her fringed shorts suit and this other scaly cutout thing. And of course her casual see-through sweatpants:

Sometimes, Gigi goes for full-coverage suits…

Everything about that is so great until the bottom. Pants only need snaps if you intend to tear them off during the music swell in a Train song. That’s just a fact.

Haley Bennett, you know from Music and Lyrics (as the pop star) and Girl on a Train. This was meant to be her breakout year, and for better or worse, it DID burst her into Fug Madness. And she got all the big designers, like McQueen…

… and Erdem…

… and Valentino, and J. Mendel…

She is a lovely, J.Law-esque person, and I think we will see better stuff from her once all the newness wears off. Right? In the meantime, that gown is MAD WEIRD and lumpy and not especially flattering, and the other two are equally hodge-podge and messy. But I’m not that sad about it because we here at GFY thrive on sartorial missteps.  Fug Madness is a beast that must be fed.

Archives: Gigi Hadid, Haley Bennett

(3) Emily Ratajkowski vs. (14) Elle Fanning

Let’s not pull our punches. Let’s not pretend this elephant isn’t sitting in the room, eating all the Beer & Brats flavored Lay’s (they are so good y’all; you know artificial meat flavoring is my jam). Let’s just look at it now.

Tim Gunn broke down and called this “vulgar,” and he’s not wrong. It bears repeating: When you look like Emily Ratajkowski, you don’t need to work this hard. I mean, honestly, no lady should ever feel like she has to work this hard, but… my god, Emily, it’s not like people weren’t already looking.

Again: not needed. We see you. Someday, I invite the Emily Ratajs of the world to tell me if it feels just THAT GOOD to live on the edge of showing everyone your pubic bone. She also rather enjoyed a cutout on this dress.

I maintain that, as a model, she should be able to work this dress less… ineptly. But in fairness, could anyone be ept with this thing?

Which is worse: a naked dress, or a dress that wants to be naked but SO FLAGRANTLY is like, “HEY, HERE IS MY SEAM, EVERYONE PLEASE LOOK AT HOW I AM SEWN TOGETHER.”

Elle Fanning is not cut from the same minimalist cloth as Emily. In fact, she uses a lot of cloth.

Just perhaps not wisely. And she’s also a perennial Rodarte fan:

And never gets their best. Ever. Also, I have no idea what this outfit is, but Neon Demon was MESSED UP and so I guess it’s only fitting that she looks like a very unimpressed magician’s assistant:

There’s also a very VERY dramatic sequined D&G, a Valentino that ended up showing way more sideboob than I am willing to greenlight on a Fanning at this time, and this busy-as-hell Marc Jacobs:

It’s like if a Disney princess dropped acid all over her own movie.

Archives: Emily Ratajkowski, Elle Fanning

(6) Kate Hudson vs. (11) Marion Cotillard

We’ve seen Kate’s version of the Temperley disco sequins culottes a hundred times already. Possibly in all of our nightmares. So I won’t reprint it here, though I will link it. Instead, I’ll force you to look at a few other fashion sins again, like this:

IT BURNS.

WHY GOD.

NO. Also: She wore circus pants and a very weird Wes Gordon that looked mildewy. Was it Kate Hudson’s worst year? Maybe not, but it damn sure wasn’t her best. And thank God for that.

But in general, if you’d asked me to predict which of these ladies would have a worse year, I’d have guessed Kate. But Marion has strung together some real doozies and I think this issue is in real doubt. Check it:

It’s a GIANT diagonal drawstring. Cozy, yes; attractive, mayhap not.

Marion also wore her fair share of butt capes during her pregnancy, starting with this enormous and enormously lazy-looking one…

… and extending to this lace curtain. For real, if you just clipped that out, this would seem completely reasonable and Frenchy-chic as an outfit. I don’t understand drizzling it with silly. She also wore a torn-up and tied jacket, and a black outfit that no one has ever satisfactorily explained to me. Seriously, I GENUINELY do not know what’s happening there. Frowny face.

No, seriously, I think this is a frowning mustache dress. Her lipstick is great, but the rest of her is pouting.

Archives: Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard

(7) Heidi Klum vs. (10) Zosia Mamet

I honestly think 90 percent of Zosia’s seeding is in the headband.

Even that girl in the background is wearing an expression that says, “Eeeeeeeeee, things were going okay and then OMG FUG MADNESS AHOY.” If only Zosia, in her new capacity as a fortune teller, could have foreseen the problems.

That one should have been relatively easy to predict. Ditto the glorified bikini top she wore under this outfit, with wonky jeans and shoes.

Zosia also liked to wear a lot of what I would call a jumper, but the Brits would call… what, a pinafore? The ones she wears are not always inherently fugly, but certainly are very short.  I think proportions are often Z’s trap. Even when she gets the length right…

… then we end up with something that’s pinching and rearranging and otherwise painfully juggling, and further, MIGHT be Secret Pants.

Heidi Klum isn’t exactly batting a thousand in the fit arena, either.

This whole thing looks like it was glued entirely too far south on her body. And that means a cool idea is rendered ineffective and distracting.

That is Michael Kors, and it’s a glorified bra, and — as we so often say with Kors clothes — if a Project Runway contestant had sent it down the runway he’d have torn them a half-dozen brand new orifaces.

And that’s a shirt. Which she has the legs for, but then she stuffed said legs into clunky and dated-seeming shoes. (Also, not for nothing, she can’t sit in that. Not without a toilet seat liner for her chair.)

That is sort of charming, but DEFINITELY weird. I appreciate very much that she went with something different than what usually gets Heidi into Fug Madness, though. But it’s just A LOT. We saw how phenomenal Heidi can look at the Oscars, when she keeps it simple AND when she feathers it up. Every now and again she shows how high the bar should be, and how capable she is of clearing it… and then we get this:

All I know is, Heidi and Tyra on the same TV show ought to yield a LOT of fodder for next year.

Archives: Heidi Klum, Zosia Mamet