I am all for comfort. Really.
[Photo: Splash News]
But just how comfortable can these pants be? Because, in case you are wondering what is flapping around back there in Derriere Country, it is this: a ton of fabric. And if I were the one walking around town in Reserve Parachute Pants, I would probably pull the ripcord, because after about five minutes I’d have tugged at them about a thousand times to make sure they weren’t sliding down my butt. I’d be going slowly insane from the feeling of fabric bitch-slapping the backs of my legs. And I’d be telling anyone who gave me a skeptical look that my bum is allergic to smog and requires extra room in my pants so that it can more freely swell up against the chunky L.A. air. Then I would call M.C. Hammer, apologize for trying to marry his pants to some leggings without first requesting that he perform the ceremony himself, promise him that they are not very legit and are therefore moments from quitting, and spend the next three days in bed playing Angry Birds because I’m too embarrassed and annoyed to leave the house. So let’s all hope Jessica Alba’s personal assistant purloined these and burned them before Jessica’s shame spiral took place. I mean, seriously, some of those Angry Birds levels are REALLY HARD. She might never resurface.