Note: This originally published without the slideshow, accidentally. But it’s FIXED NOW.

“HOLA LOVERS! Well, here I am, the new Video… ugh, vanguard is not a good word, lovers It has all the sexy of Back Tatffleck on toast. Can we call it something else? Video Goddess? Video Hero? Video Ruler of The Known Universe? I do not need much; just a lemon poppyseed muffin with the poppyseeds removed and also most of the muffin, gardenias in my toilets, abs that make metal feel inadequate, a man who does not make me want to hide, and a title that reminds everyone that I am a business mountain that cannot be climbed. This is not a lot to ask.”

[Photo: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP/REX/Shutterstock, Kristina Bumphrey/StarPix/REX/Shutterstock, Andrew H. Walker/REX/Shutterstock]