It’s April Fools’ Day, and I wish this outfit were a joke, but alas, it is deadly serious.

Indeed, it is as serious as the heart attack it almost gave me when I realized those ankle things are not part of her shoe, but are in fact CUFFS. Because, with her see-through crop-top and bowler hat Kelis is wearing FRONTLESS PANTS. Not shorts, not assless chaps (a great redundancy, because aren’t all chaps assless? And yet saying simply “chaps” is way less satisfying). It says a TREMENDOUS AMOUNT about the horrors of your outfit when it makes those baggy high-waisted grey monstrosities on her companion look almost awesome.

FRONTLESS PANTS. Next you’ll be telling me she owns a bra that is, in fact, ONLY straps, and a shirt that is only sleeves. WHY IS THIS NOT A JOKE. IT IS SHEER PANTALUNACY.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]