Granted, if I were Heidi, I would have done a good lip with this dress — although, if I were Heidi, there is a long list of things that would have gone differently over the years, and all of them are sartorial. At least she ditched the Stipe stripe? But nature abhors a vacuum, so my vexation over that makeup choice has been quickly replaced with all the furrowing I’m doing about this Maticevski garment (and as a side note, that necklace also seems wrong with this). You know those movies where the main characters are placed in competition with one another to develop something similar? That is this dress. Somewhere, there is a rom-com in which Chadwick Boseman and Constance Wu each designed one half of this garment, and the better half would result in The Big Promotion they’ve both wanted. Along the way, of course, their sexual tension would turn to love, although of course one of them would accidentally betray the other in some small way that keeps them out of bed. And then at the final presentation, they would both stand aside because they realize that this is a STUPID WAY TO RUN A BUSINESS and they’d join forces and start their own company instead… and then over the credits, we’d see that the prototype accidentally got sent to Heidi Klum and she wore it on a red carpet and the world was totally confused and Chadwick and Constance would smirk at the TV from within their impeccably wallpapered joint office. For what it’s worth, if I worked at the original company, I would make sure one of them knew on the way out that whoever designed the left side here is WRONG AND FIRED. The right side isn’t perfect, and where they join is all KINDS of problematic (that metaphor, we can save for the sequel), but Left Boob is having a much rougher go of it aesthetically. A rom-com scenario is the only explanation. Yes. THE ONLY ONE.

[Photo: Shutterstock]