Happy 46th birthday to the man whose name rarely appears accurately on this website: Benedict Cumberbatch. I was going to round up photos of Brigadier Charttopper through the ages, but it turns out that back in 2016, I already did a Look How Young He Once Was retrospective and I don’t think I can top that. Please treat yourself. But I did also grab a truly random assortment of photos from more recent times, just as an extra little snack.
I realized in rooting around our archives that we’ve been goofing off with his name for A REALLY LONG TIME. I mean, I know we like to slam a joke deep into the ground, but this one — arguably the dumbest of our repeat gags — has gone so far that I think it came out the other side. For fun, and to drive home just how long these two old dogs can chew on a bone, I gathered most of the alternative names we’ve come up with and listed them here (there are a few from the aforelinked slideshow that I skipped, because they are on EVERY SLIDE, yikes). These are in rough chronological order, except that I deviated to try and group some of the repeats — of which, I’m pleased to say, there are way fewer than I would have thought. I am almost certainly missing a few that slipped through the cracks. Like, I am 99.5 percent sure I used “Bandersnatch” at one point, but I didn’t find it. So consider this a reasonably comprehensive sample. If you do not want to scroll, click here and you can jump right to the comments.
- Cumberdict Benebatch (I mean, start simple)
- Bendywinks Crumblethong
- Bendywimple Quiverblog
- Bendertwitch Cumbergroup
- Bandershoots Casterbags
- Bendywax Cumberworks (this was for his waxwork)
- WaxyWorks Blendyblatch (ditto)
- Benedict Cumberwax (and again)
- Bankersbox Coloncleanse
- Banderclutch Custardstand
- Bendypants Cumbershirts
- Bendywigs Crookshanks
- Bantamweight Crinkleyes
- Bandycrackers Cumbersomesnack
- Boysenberry Cheesebrioche
- Buttercream CreamCheeseFrosting
- Buttercream Cupcakestand
- Buttercream Caramel (these were not all in quick succession, I promise)
- BabyBunting Crotchety
- Bendandsnap CasterandPollux
- Bedknobbroomstick Candlesticks
- Brandywine Courvoisier
- Brandywine CupcakeTower
- Brandywine CashmereCoat (what is with us and brandywine)
- Creamcheese Bagelbite
- Bouquet Candelabra
- Boutonniere Costco
- Beeswax Cardinals
- Beehive Cockatoo
- Blenderdongle Chopperblade (I sincerely think this was when I was ordering a replacement Cuisinart blade)
- Bantamweight Counterweight
- Bubblegum Chewinggum
- Bulls-eye Catamaran
- Blindsided Catalog
- Bulgari Cartier
- Benediction Catechism
- Baguette Camembert
- Bandage Castoroil
- Bingo Crapshoot
- Bananaman Cantaloupe
- Bandolier Custardcakes
- Brunch Cocktails
- Bowdlerize Capslock
- Bowlerhat Caphead
- Backbend Catapult
- Bowlcut Clippers (I mean…)
- Bite-Sized CandyCorn
- Butterfinger Candycorn
- Butterfinger Candybar
- Bennigans Chilis
- Balayage Keratin Treatment (this is… a reach)
- Bandaid Cartilage
- Bambidrank Clobberbench
- Bootaloons Caterwaul
- Benecol Countrycrock
- Bailiwick Consternation
- Bartlebyjames Cucumberwater
- Bigcampion Cinemablend
- Batchedict Cumberbene (how did this one take so long to appear?)
- Baddylonglegs Cobwebcorner
- Buckethat Cowboylid (He was wearing both)
- Babysbreath Callalilly
- Beneficent Cottonweary
- Baftanom Trophycase
- Bonkersoscars Calamityball (This was of course from this year’s Oscars)
- Baldwinshow Coocooooombrewhat (Hilaria Baldwin jokes are always timely, right? RIGHT?)
- Betterman Crazymary
- Bizarroverse Cinemaphile
And there you have it. Happiest of celebrations to ye, Birthdayboy Candlebake. Maybe as a gift, I’ll stop doing that. MAYBE.
