“Hola lovers. It comes down to this: I am tired. I am so tired of people trying to out-Lopez the Lopez. I believe it is a documented fact that I invented dresses cut down to your belly button, and sparkly see-through everythings, and now everyone copies me and it makes me so weary, trying to think of new places to go. And so I will turn the tables, lovers. I will do what other people have done first, but better. I will Jenny up their blocks.
“First, this. It should remind you of Heidi Klum’s purple thingamy from that boring small TV awards show that nobody cares about, except that I moved it from Pageant Town to Leg City and added a loofah, and more sex. And POOF. Game, set, and match to me, the network reality TV host (everyone knows that Emmys do not count if you win them on channels that also make new versions of Beaches). Stay tuned to see which person will get Lopezed next. I am thinking… Amal Clooney or Beyonce, because I also had twins first and the way they are copying me is shameless, although can you blame them? HASHTAG LOPEZ SUPREME.”