You’ve seen the top thirteen finishers; now let’s get to the dregs, which include Sexy Butter Churning, some truly special lyrics, and a man with very surprised hair.
14. Poland: Donatan & Cleo, “My Slowianie (We Are Slavic).” 62 points.
Let’s not beat around the boobs:
Poland’s entry is a marvel. You’ll want to watch it. Called “We Are Slavic,” the lyrics include such gems as “This is our hot Slavic blood,” “Our lips have everything that you need,” and, “Cream and butter tastes so good // we prepare for you our delicious food,” and finally, “Slavic girls are wicked and also smart // Look at this if you search for the one // ‘Cause beautiful ladies look as a cake // You better try them before it’s too late.” A Eurovision blog claims the song and its original video are a masterful parody about how everyone wants to stereotype Poland as a place that’s stuck in the dark ages, but the entire song was sung IN Polish (which is fine obviously, and I wish more people sang in their native tongues; is it harder to win that way, or something?) and therefore whatever special and incisive social commentary was intended went STRAIGHT over the heads of the non-Polish-speaking crowd and disappeared down the voluptuous drain of this lady’s cleavage while she was pumping a butter-churner. I’m not sure there’s a HUGE market for dairy-based satire. Also, nothing will be as good as last year’s Greece outing that featured them stomping around in kilts screaming, “ALCOHOL IS FREE.” Although that one actually wasn’t satire. It was just spirited. ZING.
There was also a washer woman.
And a lot of twirling and clapping. I will say this: If the goal was to increase tourism to Poland, I suspect it will be a resounding success.
15. Iceland: Pollaponk, “No Prejudice.” 58 points.
This band specializes in children’s music — so I guess kind of the They Might Be Giants of Iceland, except minus the illustrious past with soul-birdhouses and Constantinople and Triangle Man? — and has an occasional member (in purple, waaaay in the back) who is also an MP, and whom I keep thinking of as MP Otter Pop because that’s the mnemonic I used to remember that he is in fact MP Óttar Proppé. MP Otter Pop is the first government official to participate thusly in Eurovision, and I can only hope this foreshadows a day when Vladmir Putin will come out with a zither, or a shoebox guitar, or a coathanger he plays with a bow like that lady did on Sesame Street when I was a kid. Anyway, they LOOK like a music Crayola box, and their lyrics entreat you not to call them freaks, because “it’s not trigonometry” that “inside we’re the same.” He is correct. That is NOT trigonometry. Watch here if you dare. It’s fine, but not as awesome as I wanted it to be based on their Old Man Teletubbies color scheme.
16. Belarus: Teo, “Cheesecake.” 43 points.
You need to know that Russia awarded the maximum 12 points to this band, which means more than a quarter of its total came from TOTAL BIAS. Listen, Russia, if you want to rig this thing, you need to do it SUBTLY.
Also, Belarus, it is now time for some hard truths: You get an F for effort.
A song called “Cheesecake,” a.k.a. “The Ballad of Dorothy Zbornak,” demands just a bit more. Like, say, a human cheesecake, which I’m sure SNL’s Stefon could invent for you. Or a person popping OUT of a cheesecake. Or some kind of wearable cheesecake. Or four people dancing around behind you dressed all of the Golden Girls. It couldn’t be simpler. DON’T WHIFF ON THE CHEESECAKE. DON’T PUNT ON THE ZBORNAK. I’m so disappointed. He did NOTHING fun.
The lyrics even start out with a surprise Dirty Dancing reference: “Once I gave you one more chance // You showed me dance // But I’m not Patrick Swayze // You’re not Jennifer Gray.” THEN BRING OUT FAKE SWAYZE AND FAKE JENNIFER. Or even REAL JENNIFER. DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING.
Let’s just enjoy the rest of it: “I lost my train of thought // When you called me, “My sweet Cheesecake” // I don’t wanna be your toy perhaps today // I’m not gonna be your boyfriend // It’s too late // I look over all the maps trying to escape [note: he had to change it from “Google Maps” because Google got mad I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY THEY DON’T WANT TO BE PART OF THIS POETRY] // ’cause I’m tired of being your sweet cheesecake.” And, “Hey I will fly far away // By any plane just not to meet you.” BURN. Look, Belarus, you have SEEN Eurovision before, yes? Go big. If you’re going to lose, FLAME OUT. Sometimes literally.
17. United Kingdom: Molly Smitten-Downes, “Children of the Universe,” 40 points.
Dearest UK: Are you even serious about this anymore? Iwill give you points for the fact that her dress looks like an angry Egyptian deity:
And she is very pretty. But she did not sound confident. Also: You are a nation that once charted a pop song by the Fast Food Rockers all about Pizza Hut, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and McDonalds and including the words, “I want it, I need it, nothing else can beat it.” You can do better than a dull semi-tribal-sounding lecture including the dumb line, “We’re dancing on the edge of time.” This also says almost nothing to me about British music in general — and frankly, if ever there were a nation you’d expect to apply wry, dry humor and spirit to Eurovision, it’s the one that gave us Blackadder.
18. Germany: Elaiza, “Is It Right?” 39 points.
There were really only two things that were noteworthy about this one. First, that the accordion player looks like a cross between Molly Shannon and Catherine Tate:
And second, the lead singer wore leggings (or even pants) under an ecru tutu.
The squeezebox was a nice touch, but otherwise it was a snore. Seriously, the lead singer looks like a three-year old who just learned to dress herself. So no, Elaiza. It is NOT right.
19. Montenegro, Sergej Cetkovi, “Moj Svijet.” 37 points.
To understand why this broke my heart, please revisit last year’s Montenegro performance, which featured astronauts and the line, “I can’t paranoia no more. Everything smells on good party.”
I appreciate having a rollerblader masquerading as an ice skater gliding around behind you, but once you’ve been repped by a song with the word “parsley” in it, you have set the bar higher than Everest, and Wheels Boitano back there isn’t going to cut it. Also, I misread “You know I’m lost without your arms // You are neverending line on my palms” as “You are neverending line on my pants,” and it seemed a lot more adventurous that way. DOUBLE disappointment.
20. Greece, Freaky Fortune, “Rise Up.” 35 points.
Well, this is freaky.
Thank you, Greece, for levitating something. You’ve clearly got Prince William’s vote.
Their song was some rapping and a lot of bouncing, and included this line: “I see you shaking, Imma have to smack that, my God // I’m blowing paper, balling, call me later // Balling, call me later, balling, call me mason.” Does he want me to call him a mason, as in, a freemason? Or is his name “Mason,” or is he telling Mason to call him and he’s just comma-and-caps impaired? If it’s the later, Mason, please be aware that he wants to hit things and then blow paper, because those don’t sound like wholesome activities.
21. Italy: Emma Marrone, “La Mia Citta.” 33 points.
Emma here looks like a Roman god got bored and decided to order a Jessica Simpson doll.
Here’s how to watch, although MEH. She also has a lot of feelings about her city, which include, “I hate heeled shoes, that I absently get stuck in the intrusive manholes of this city,” and, “I love the traffic in the centre, parking absently, your smile, my instability.” I think my advice would be to consider moving. You can park absently anywhere, so find somewhere with more accommodating manholes.
22. Azerbaijan, Dilara Kazimova, “Start A Fire.” 33 points.
Nothing says “Let’s all get drunk and try to have sex with each other backstage” like popping out in a nightie and singing the words “digging out the burning bullets in his chest” while your trapeze doppelganger performs.
First, they are in the Church of Aerial Arts.
Then they go for urban environs.
And then they are in Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. They went third, and man, that is a SERIOUS comedown so early in the night, especially because Hamster Wheel went first. You can’t bust out Fortress of Solitude and expect to win votes while everyone is still sober and wide awake.
23. Malta: Firelight, “Coming Home.” 32 points.
I guarantee you his entire 32 points came from people’s fascination with his instrument.
Otherwise, son, don’t show up to Eurovision looking like a warmed-over Sawyer from Lost.
24. San Marino: Valentina Monetta, “Maybe.” 14 points.
This is her third year in a row representing Eurovision and I think she is trying to tell us all that compared to losing Eurovision over and over, life would be better under the sea — so that’s where she’s going, and don’t count on her in 2015.
25. Slovenia: Tinkara Kovac, “Round and Round.” 9 points.
Really? Thirty-two points for Sawyer’s conjoined violins and dirty Hanes, and Maleficent with a flute gets NINE? This is a sad day.
26. France: Twin Twin, “Moustache.” 2 points.
And now, that which we’ve all wanted to see. “Moustache” was the first song from France ever to finish last, and there’s something poetic about the winner being a lady with facial hair, and the last place act singing an ode to facial hair.
And it was performed by the Heat Miser’s teenage son…
… and Sacha Baron Cohen as Weird Al Yankovic on the guitar.
The lyrics are another treat: “The world weeps behind my curtains // I do not care I live on the top floor // I do not even know my housekeeper,” and, “The smell of my fragrance reassures me // I don’t like showing my emotions // At the gym.” The refrain is, “I wanna have a moustache,” and the band claims people are WRONG to write it off as a joke song because it’s about materialism — a man who has everything in the world and still is not happy enough. That’s fine, but kids, we all see through you. NOBODY would be talking about you if you hadn’t bounced around up there singing “mooooooostache” over and over again with a bunch of insanity around it, so don’t pretend you don’t love it. I mean, your decor is Poirot. Let’s just admit that it’s studied silliness, so that we can all sit back and APPRECIATE the studied silliness, because good sir, you did not show up with ANY of this locked and loaded if you did not want people to be charmed by your crazy.